At 68 why are so many memories coming back?

Target

Registrant
I’ve been out longer than most of you have been alive. I came out at 17 in 1971. As you might guess being out wasn’t always easy but for me it felt right, courageous and I felt I was up for the fight.

Along with all the good times there were those bad times as well. As a young child I was repeatedly molested by my brother, anal rape. I was the youngest, very quite and beaten daily by my older brothers. I never said a word.

As an adult in my late 30s I had a stalker. He thought he had to have me and his technique was to beat me senseless and rape me. Can’t say he had much charm. I was mortified at my inability to exercise control over my life so I did not turn to friends. Eventually I cut him out of my life and he retaliated by breaking into my home and tried to strangle me in my sleep. I had friends over unknown to him and well that whole part of my life became very public very fast. I filed charges. He got a slap on the wrist.

After a failed relationship of 23 years I was drifting, still good at work but personally I was miserable. Returning from a business trip I decided to spend one night at a resort on the Russian River just for a change. That night when I returned to my room I heard a voice behind me who called me by my name and he brandished a knife. Rape for hours followed. I think this was the most scared I have ever been. He left and I ran in tears as fast as I could. Later I remember he was in the lobby when I registered which is how he knew my name.

This is the oddest one as it took me years to understand what happened. I was in San Diego on work. Stopped by Hamburger Mary’s for a drink after, nothing special. A couple struck up a conversation with me, bought a round of shots and…… blank. Woke up the next morning in some hotel room, had no idea what happened or where my car was. My feet were covered in blood, mine. I dressed quickly and rushed out. Now I know what happened that night but for years I thought it was all me. I’d only had one drink and the shot so I can now fill in the blank.

This is all history and I always thought it was done and gone. I married a wonderful man when I was 58 and we are still very happy and in love. I have a whole family now with two adult step children and three grandchildren.

That said, the memories of the rapes are starting to take up more and more of my thoughts. I thought they would fade with time but no. I find myself googling those involved hoping to find them in jail or dead. That’s a bit obsessive but hey. The pandemic has made it harder as I have way too much time on my hands. I talk to my husband about it and he’s very understanding being a survivor himself.

While I can’t erase history there must be something I can do to accept what happened and not allow it to eat at me.

Feedback? Thank you all.
 

ODAT

Registrant
Hello Target,
I am so sorry to hear of all the horrible things that happened to you. There are many bad people out there and you ran into a few of them. Know that none of that was your fault and you didn’t ask for any of it. Try to be gentle on yourself. Live in today and try to move forward. There’s a lot of people on MS who care and at least partly, have walked in your shoes. Stay involved on this site and keep reaching out for support. Take care of yourself…
 

Target

Registrant
Hello Target,
I am so sorry to hear of all the horrible things that happened to you. There are many bad people out there and you ran into a few of them. Know that none of that was your fault and you didn’t ask for any of it. Try to be gentle on yourself. Live in today and try to move forward. There’s a lot of people on MS who care and at least partly, have walked in your shoes. Stay involved on this site and keep reaching out for support. Take care of yourself…
Thank you. Life really has been good. I just have to deal with the memories and Covid has left me with way too much time to sit around and think.
 

Goldfish

Registrant
I will second what ODAT said and I am also sorry for what happened to you. I would imagine that the 70s were a tough time to come out in and that took a lot of courage from what I know of the time period.
 
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