ASA -- *triggers*

Healing light

Registrant
Not an area of my abuse I talk much about but an area that still massively effects me
Rape as a form of control. As humiliation. Often violent perpetrated by members of my family

I wrote a poem I posted here once called white walls

I wrote the poem to try and release some of the emotions relating to an occasion as an adult that I was
Kidnapped, raped, and beaten by my cousin F

For many years now I have actively avoided dealing with this area of my abuse in therapy I want to though begin to deal with it but I don't know where to start

F would regularly expect me to be involved in his criminal behaviour , selling drugs , stolen vehicles , that sort of thing hiding money, guns , drugs
as a mechanic fixing vehicles ones used to commit crimes or removing parts from stolen ones if I refused he would beat or rape me or both stating I lacked loyalty or thankfulness for what he'd done for me all my life

My life was like too polar opposites I had a honest job in a garage I studied and got a degree I was married, had friends
I glossed over family life made excuses for them when in law's, my colleagues or friends noticed something amiss

I was diagnosed with bipolar after the first time I attempted suicide
That became my excuse everytime I was depressed or stressed
I was a binge drinker and my wife became an alcoholic that addiction would play a major part in her death and my son losing his mother before he even started school I feel so sad when I look back over those years grief mingles in as no matter what I did love my wife and Even though our marriage didn't work I'd love her to still be around

I kept the secret I don't know why , kept it until history repeated itself and my cousins teenage son disclosed abuse , something I hate the truth of

17 years of abuse from F not sure I will ever unpick it all or make peace with myself
But I want to try so I wrote this

Peace
HL
 

Healing light

Registrant
I don't see myself as strong at all I feel weak for letting him have that amount of control over my life. For that amount of years

Peace
HL
 
I want to try so I wrote this
Hi HL

Thanks for having the courage to share your past with us. You are a strong person just to have survived the controls you could see no escape from. You have survive and now you need a little more strength and support to strive. You are a good person and have a good sense of care for others drink in some of that care for yourself. While our pasts have been horrible it doesn't mean the future needs to be.

Dealing with 17 years of abuse and worse from F is a lot to process.

Thanks for including me in your journey
Take good care my friend
 

Fitz

Registrant
HL,
I have long thought of you as a brave & resilient man. You have encouraged me more than you realize and this only fortifies my respect for what you have made of yourself and what you have overcome. Your name is SO aptly chosen -- Healing Light. Continue to shine your light into the darkness of the past.
((( HL )))
 

Healing light

Registrant
Hi HL

Thanks for having the courage to share your past with us. You are a strong person just to have survived the controls you could see no escape from. You have survive and now you need a little more strength and support to strive. You are a good person and have a good sense of care for others drink in some of that care for yourself. While our pasts have been horrible it doesn't mean the future needs to be.

Dealing with 17 years of abuse and worse from F is a lot to process.

Thanks for including me in your journey
Take good care my friend
Thanks for your post my friend really appreciate it and your advice and support in this journey

Peace
HL
 

Healing light

Registrant
HL,
I have long thought of you as a brave & resilient man. You have encouraged me more than you realize and this only fortifies my respect for what you have made of yourself and what you have overcome. Your name is SO aptly chosen -- Healing Light. Continue to shine your light into the darkness of the past.
((( HL )))
Thanks for your post I really appreciate it , I will keep shining the light that's good advice thanks for the encouragement

Peace
HL
 

Healing light

Registrant
I tried to wrangle my way out of the control. I still do in a sense emotionally
Sometimes I'm still scared about the future or can't shake the past fear

Physically I was never any match but I worked out loads obsessed with being stronger/bigger more able to protect myself physically

It's the scars I have to deal with mentally the physical ones don't tend to bother me so much nowadays the physical ones still prompt the most questions though it's funny that isn't it people ask how you got them how you survived physically but they never ask how you survived mentally
When that's the hardest bit truly is

This is all really difficult to talk about without all the old feelings arising this is the issue with addressing it in therapy those were the years I was really depressed sometimes I'd lay in bed for days or binge drink for days going back there even just in therapy is daunting it's why I avoid it
Because I don't want those old feelings don't want to be overwhelmed by them

Excuse my language but it was fucking shit and it's not going to our changed much
But then I know therapy helps me in the long run

I'm just getting stuff out my head thanks for listening

Peace
HL
 
Hi HL

No one can see the mental scars. You have hidden them away for a lot of years.

Thanks for sharing
Take good care
 

Healing light

Registrant
**** triggers ****



There was this time when he wanted me to fix this car but I knew the parts were hard to get I tried explaining that , that even if I ordered it threw work it would still be hard I wasn't even meant to order it threw work for home things had already been pulled up about it so he thought I was being awkward , more loyal to my boss than him
It was his thing loyalty, respect
Whereas if I could of got it I would of because that's what I always did was actually to deep in to do anything else by then I'm ashamed to say and it wasn't out of respect for my boss like it should of been

He raped me that day, beat me and spat in my face, when i got home with marks on my face my wife was annoyed thinking I had been fighting
Didn't want to speak to me, didn't want to know , so I went to bed an like when I was a child I wondered what I done wrong , I felt shame and I didn't really want to wake up

The sexual abuse was less regular and different from my teenage years. But equally as impactive I think

Sometimes he just had to look at me and I'd know to tred carefully or retract what I'd just said
I knew how I was supposed to act at family gatherings and such like
He'd groomed me since I was 10/11 years old , he manipulated people around him and still does
I avoided him alot by studying in night schools and not seeing family. I wouldn't turn up to some events and many people thought I preferred work too family including my own nieces and nephews which I'm sorry for the times we missed especially now as I'm blessed with there willingness to be part of my future. There young adults but I have young ones around too , to show me I missed out big.

I feel vunerable for what ever reason right now,

I can write much more than I can verbalise that's always the case even writing is hard but it puts my thoughts in some sort of order

Thanks for listening

Peace
HL
 
Hi HL

I sure am sorry your Uncle was/is who he is. I am sure you will feel vulnerable as you speak of this,

Take good care of yourself, be kind to yourself. This was not your fault any of this it all belongs to your uncle.

Wishing you good days and calm nights
 

Healing light

Registrant
Hi HL

I sure am sorry your Uncle was/is who he is. I am sure you will feel vulnerable as you speak of this,

Take good care of yourself, be kind to yourself. This was not your fault any of this it all belongs to your uncle.

Wishing you good days and calm nights
Thanks I appreciate your words and support

F , he sits in his prison cell still manipulating people, probably happy because they reduced his sentence a bit. But then he probably isn't because I'm out of his control nowadays

I just need to free myself from my own mind

I really appreciate your posts and support and advice in this journey my friend

Peace
HL
 

Healing light

Registrant
****triggers*****

I keep having these dreams that I wake up panicking from but don't remember any of it , my throat is dry and tight
That makes the panic worse not sure why there occuring what event there triggering from
In therapy were trying to target areas without opening the flood gates this approach has really worked for me
But I feel they may be ajar or I'm just very emotional right now with other things going on in life

I have done loads of work on CSA recovery but feel like I'm at the beginning with the ASA recovery because I have avoided it.
F doesn't deny now that he was sexual with me but he says it was all consensual from the start because apparently 11 years old knows what they want and claims if things were that bad when I were an adult I'd of gone away I was free to leave and I didn't ..... But I did I moved without telling him and paid the price when he found me. My friends would turn him away at there doors they didn't know but didn't like how he spoke to me or how I seemed to fear him and that they was my safety net that I'm thankful for
I would get really depressed after the episode of sexual abuse a number of times I attempted suicide or hurt myself and they would ask why "it's my bipolar" left my mouth so many times and nowadays Im not sure I even have it although the psychiatrist reckons I do
Sorry guys I'm just writing to make some sense of what's in my head I also had therapy Friday so there's lots it has raised

Peace
 
I keep having these dreams that I wake up panicking from but don't remember any of it
Hi HL

This is something that happened to me for over 20 years, waking up in total panic all my being gone and me sitting up, soaked in sweat ,cold and wondering what just happened. I found out after EMDR that I was waking to the sudden impact of a close to fatal accident. I continued to wake up like that until I started on a blood pressure medication that is now being use to treat PTSD symptoms, Night terrors being one of them. I still have bad nights just not as many and not nearly as bad. The name of the medication is Prazosin.

Its ok to just write. It makes sense, you are needing to release this ASA and violence part of your story my friend. I am so thankful your friends hid you away. You have had a few in your past that have protected you, I have a lot of respect for those you have told me about. It seems like the sexual and physical abuse you endured is maybe not the part that is hurting you as much as the control uncle F had over you. Being an adult we feel that we should be in control, when we do not have control it really does something. I have a hard time when I remember having no control over what was happening sexual abuse, rape and beatings, they seem to come to me as intrusive thoughts. So much wrong and confused there.

I am sorry for your struggles my friend, keep writing, I will keep reading

Take good care my friend
 

sorryson

Registrant
Not an area of my abuse I talk much about but an area that still massively effects me
Rape as a form of control. As humiliation. Often violent perpetrated by members of my family

I wrote a poem I posted here once called white walls

I wrote the poem to try and release some of the emotions relating to an occasion as an adult that I was
Kidnapped, raped, and beaten by my cousin F

For many years now I have actively avoided dealing with this area of my abuse in therapy I want to though begin to deal with it but I don't know where to start

F would regularly expect me to be involved in his criminal behaviour , selling drugs , stolen vehicles , that sort of thing hiding money, guns , drugs
as a mechanic fixing vehicles ones used to commit crimes or removing parts from stolen ones if I refused he would beat or rape me or both stating I lacked loyalty or thankfulness for what he'd done for me all my life

My life was like too polar opposites I had a honest job in a garage I studied and got a degree I was married, had friends
I glossed over family life made excuses for them when in law's, my colleagues or friends noticed something amiss

I was diagnosed with bipolar after the first time I attempted suicide
That became my excuse everytime I was depressed or stressed
I was a binge drinker and my wife became an alcoholic that addiction would play a major part in her death and my son losing his mother before he even started school I feel so sad when I look back over those years grief mingles in as no matter what I did love my wife and Even though our marriage didn't work I'd love her to still be around

I kept the secret I don't know why , kept it until history repeated itself and my cousins teenage son disclosed abuse , something I hate the truth of

17 years of abuse from F not sure I will ever unpick it all or make peace with myself
But I want to try so I wrote this

Peace
HL
HL wow I am sorry for everything that happened to you. I hope your son came through it alright and got the help he needed. Abuse no matter how long it occurs causes damage. Not everyone reacts the same or is the damage the same. I stopped comparing my abuse to others and looked to myself. I am glad yo wrote and shared. I know I kept my secret because I was afraid no one would understand. I thought people would think I was a terrible person. I learned most people are kind. Unfortunately there are a few bad apples who put us down and that hurts. Best to stay away from them

I think abuse has been around forever. I hope your cousin's son is getting help. Abuse sucks as do abusers.

Paul
 

Healing light

Registrant
Hi HL

This is something that happened to me for over 20 years, waking up in total panic all my being gone and me sitting up, soaked in sweat ,cold and wondering what just happened. I found out after EMDR that I was waking to the sudden impact of a close to fatal accident. I continued to wake up like that until I started on a blood pressure medication that is now being use to treat PTSD symptoms, Night terrors being one of them. I still have bad nights just not as many and not nearly as bad. The name of the medication is Prazosin.

Its ok to just write. It makes sense, you are needing to release this ASA and violence part of your story my friend. I am so thankful your friends hid you away. You have had a few in your past that have protected you, I have a lot of respect for those you have told me about. It seems like the sexual and physical abuse you endured is maybe not the part that is hurting you as much as the control uncle F had over you. Being an adult we feel that we should be in control, when we do not have control it really does something. I have a hard time when I remember having no control over what was happening sexual abuse, rape and beatings, they seem to come to me as intrusive thoughts. So much wrong and confused there.

I am sorry for your struggles my friend, keep writing, I will keep reading

Take good care my friend
Thanks for your post it is very much appreciated my friend

Yeah I think it's definitely the control thing

Feeling powerless and trapped

Thanks again means alot
Be safe
Peace
HL
 

Healing light

Registrant
HL wow I am sorry for everything that happened to you. I hope your son came through it alright and got the help he needed. Abuse no matter how long it occurs causes damage. Not everyone reacts the same or is the damage the same. I stopped comparing my abuse to others and looked to myself. I am glad yo wrote and shared. I know I kept my secret because I was afraid no one would understand. I thought people would think I was a terrible person. I learned most people are kind. Unfortunately there are a few bad apples who put us down and that hurts. Best to stay away from them

I think abuse has been around forever. I hope your cousin's son is getting help. Abuse sucks as do abusers.

Paul
Grief is an ever changing journey but my son is well and happy when it's needed he has tons of support from us and from his maternal family.

My cousin's son spent a substantial amount of time in an adolescent mental health unit after leaving he returned to live with his mother to start there new chapter together he talks at conferences about grooming and is a uni student. He continues to heal thankfully.

Abuse and abusers do suck big time

Thanks for your post

Wishing you peace in your healing
HL
 

sorryson

Registrant
HL thank you for the reply. I am happy to see your son is doing well. I am also glad your cousin's son continues to heal. I agree abuse and abusers suck big time

Paul
 
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