as it was

as it was
M

markgreyblue

Registrant
it seems like growing up there was always the permission for the parents to indulge in irresponsible behavior

indulgent behavior

to go out and really live it up

- you've got to do your work they would say

you've got to hold it together -

when you're older you can have fun... truly that was said -

- but when i got older - that shit still continued and it got worse -

----- it's in the past

but now realizing have i still been running around in the new found "permission" to enjoy and have fun - with still the priority set by the neanderthals parental units?

- well perhaps - in modicum - and that is why i have been a bit fucked up about my method -

the decorating thing - yeah it's fun - but clearly the priority of my parents - as far to the degree of spending - beyond my self value -

to their kind of priority over - my value -
oh warms the cockels don't it? my cousin with down syndrome has better sense than that

gratefully and thankfully i know i can indulge in having fun
how do i want this to fit in to my ideas - patterns healthy future - plan and survivial

thank god that is no one's decision but my own -

it has to work for me - be what i choose
to live with
 
Mark,

Yes, it's good to have role models to refer back to, but ultimately I guess it comes down to something you already come close to saying yourself. It's a matter of what is good for us and what we choose, and trying to build up the strength to make sure those amount to the same thing.

That's rich coming from someone who spent so many years doing exactly what was NOT good for him. But finally I listened - not only to people who were trying to help me, but also to myself.

There are all kinds of things that might be fulfilling and fun right here and now, but at what cost? It's when we answer that question honestly that we will really make progress my friend. I wish you all the best of luck, and I know you can do this and still have a rewarding, fulfilled and joyous life.

Much love,
Larry
 
it's weird - i have been exhausted lately -

but a friend said - to me - you are shifting from nervous energy to authentic energy -
 
i am learning to consider - and project
 
Mark,

Your friend sounds like a wise one. I agree. But do keep making time for Mark - just doing things Mark likes. We all need to recharge from time to time.

Much love,
Larry
 
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