Argh! I'm frustrated (also, "Hi" Shelby)

[sas]

Hi Shelby (and others), thanks for checking in with me. I thought I should bring my postings up a level so it's easier to see.

I really don't know how things are going with my husband- how's that for rubbish? My husband and I are still seeing our therapist. I'm a little frustrated (actually very frustrated), because my husband doesn't mention much of anything about "the bomb" he dropped on me. He still hasn't connected his feeling "asexual" or possibly gay with anything from his past. My therapist is great in supporting me - she understands how hard it is for me to wait. Obviously she can't tell me what she talks about with my husband, but based on what he says, I know it is a lot about his career.

I just get so angry that all his energy appears to be focused on his professional career - that is all he talks about. I know from the past his career/profession was always the catalyst for "changes" in our life. He puts a ton of pressure on himself to excel and really be perfect. I told him this weekend that it is really hard for me to live in such a limbo-state; not sure if we'll remain a couple or not. He listens, holds me but says nothing. In fact, he still talks about where we'll live next year, etc., as if we will still be together. What am I supposed to do? ARGH!!!!!

When I vaguely mention the notion that I think this might have roots in the past, to something terrible that happened to him, he goes kind of "neutral." He doesn't blank out (or space out), he doesn't deny my hint, he just doesn't say anything. I want to shake him! If he could just give me a clue as to why he is unsure of his orientation, then I'd have something to reorient myself with (no pun intended)- I really do feel upside-down and spinning.

So much of my life is changing (physical, mental, emotional, spiritual) - but I also feel quite "done." I know I love him, deeply. But this "splitting off" or whatever he is doing, is making me nuts. I have imagined every possible scenario (I think), explored all the possible paths of pain, I just wish he'd end my roaming and offer me a hint of what makes him question himself, question us.

I could be barking up the wrong tree - I am so confused. Sorry for the "dump."

 

[Shelby]

SAS
Welcome back, I was beginning to worry about you and I can see, rightfully so. In reading you post I see one thing that kind of sticks out, or maybe several as it may be. I don't know if I told you I work in the field myself and if I may ask you a question, "Does he have a hard time following through with things not associated with his job?" Another one, "Does he tend to jump on causes, you know, sponsoring orphan kids, vitamin suppliments etc etc?" If you answer those questions, I'll tell you my huntch.

Kid, I really feel for you and hope you'll hang in there a little longer, as hard as it may be. I know you love him, but you have to love yourself first and this is taking it's tole on you, I can tell. I suppose I could tell you to drop it for now and get on with life, but I know that I couldn't do that either. It's the damn unknown that destroys us many times. It does seem as though he is trying to candy coat things in order to avoid something deep inside, but getting it out is the hard part.

Glad you're back in the forum. Answer those 2 questions and I'll tell you a hunch I have. Hang in there!!

 

[sas]

Hi Shelby, thanks so much for your reply. Before I go off on my update, I can answer your questions. My husband is actually very good about following through on things - (e.g., financial planning, planning trips)- especially when it comes to things "outside" of himself. He is very thorough and pays a lot of attention to details (that's what makes him so good at his job). He is organized - we have great hanging files for our bills, car repair invoices, etc. He's physically fit - but not because he exercises or anything - we just try to eat healthy. It was a big breakthrough when he agreed he needed to seek support/help from our therapist - and I truly believe he believes it is right. He doesn't really get hooked on causes or fads - he has a healthy skepticism I think. I don't know if that helps or not...?

I agree with your statement that there are some "things in the shadows" that he is afraid of. Actually, the evening of my last posting we saw our therapist together. When he got there, she asked us how we're doing - he said "fine." I spoke honesty for myself and told her that I was frustrated. I related to him (and her) basically the things that I posted and that it is really hard to have this "thing" in your lap and not know if it is ticking. I told him that we are living our lives like everything is normal - which parts of me like but other parts are afraid of being broad-sided again.

He told me that he hasn't been ignoring his "14 year old," that he knows he's still with him and, in fact, that he has done some 'poking around' in the shadows but he's not quite sure. He also said that he does sometimes think that we'll be okay, but he doesn't want to say anything to me until he is absolutely sure.

I told him it helps just to hear that he is trying to understand his "14 year old" and that he isn't ignoring the story there. My therapist said that it can be tricky to look in the shadows, and that you have to have a "clear eye" to look at the past. She said that if you look at the past with the eyes of the past, you may get a skewed perspective on what "is." She said that she can help him (when they're one-on-one) to look at what is in the shadows and help him sort our where he is at.

So there. Yikes. I have felt better since then. I am happy that the issue is on the table among all three of us (me, my husband and therapist). I don't think he had said anything to her about his "14 year old" - he focused on the present and his career change, etc. It feels good to talk about how I'm feeling (owning "my stuff" - whatever it might be at any time). It helps.

Sorry if I've rambled, it is great to have a forum to share and get support. Thanks Shelby!