Are you an Overachiever or Perfectionist?

Are you an Overachiever or Perfectionist?
E

EGL

Registrant
One of the effects of the abuse I suffered as a child is that it caused me (in my opinion anyway) to become an overachiever and perfectionist. I have example after example I could give, but one is that when I was 14 I was in band and arranged a piece of contemporary music with a complete conductor's score, all parts, etc. My director was, to say the least, stunned. So much so, that we performed it at our Spring concert. Again, an example of overachieving, trying to please my abusive father and make him proud of me. Didn't work.

I'm a sometime artist as well, and if a painting is not perfect in every sense I have no problem whatsoever with destroying it. Same with anything else I'm working on. I've won numerous awards in art competitions, and I'm not saying that to be boastfull, but to show that my perfectionism is I guess somewhat neurotic.

There are other examples, but I'm curious if this is a trait of others here as well.
 
I'm the totally opposite I'm an underachiver, don't think I can do anything right.
 
I guess it is sadly a neurotic state, a compulsion.

When I was 14 I thought I could achieve anything, everyone who knew me thought that, but I went through a phase of deep depression and underachieved at school, I never got to go to university, which I dearly wanted to do.

But I pick up the pieces and enjoy the bits I have left.

I often think of writing something to the group and then think, why bother them with that?

I have many talents that I have learned in life, putting them to use is another thing.

take care

ste
 
Perfectionistic and underachieving.

I have a pefectionist streak running right through me. Whatever I am attempting be that learning to play the guitar, writing, having the perfect recovery!

Whilst I was in treatment for my alcoholism, my counselor picked up on this trait. He gave me the task of setting dinner places for the thirty odd residents in the clinic at the time. I was not to set the tables in a regulatory way, just put the place mats and cutlery down any old how.

This is perhaps one of the hardest things I have ever had to do and I was really worried what the others would think of me. Its always the same I am terrified of what people think of me and therin lies one of my many negative traits, I have a real shit view as to who I am. My best for me is never enough and the self criticism does wonders for the self esteem. I live for compliments but at the same time cannot accept them.

I am a chef by trade and during sevice I could do a hundred covers (meals) and get complemented on 99 of them, it would be the one that "came back" that I would remember and dwell on, that could effect my mood for days.

To be an achiever I would have to have stickability and thats something I do not posess I get bored far too easily.

BTW ste from olde englande:
"I never got to go to university, which I dearly wanted to do".

I went to University at the age of forty to do an archaeology degree unfortunately I had a breakdown (My abusers had turned up in the national press) just before sitting my final year exams. The dept decided that I warrented an aegrotat degree. If the truth be known I think I did this trying to show my father that I wasnt completely useless, no such luck!

I have to add I was thrown out of secondary school for pushing a teacher who happened to have hold of my hair at the time, whilst I was being actively abused, no qulaifictaions, nothing this was the early 1970's. It didnt stop me going back to school for a year which helped me get into the University of my choice. My time at university was perhaps the happiest time of my life. A wonderful experience and if I had the money I would go back again.


Archnut
"And all that was left was hope"

My Story (TRIGGERS)
https://www.waltonhop.blogspot.com
 
Eddie,

This makes me wonder if I am schizoid. Am I writing letters to myself? When I was 14 I wrote an 8 part choral piece, in Latin, which I directed at the Christmas Concert. And I also have won awards for my artistic work yet lose interest in the individual pieces because they dont reach my standards of perfection.

It is never good enough to be just good enough. How much of the imperfections that we have hidden would have brought pleasure to the world and satisfaction to ourselves had we only expected our best instead of the impossible?

Aden
 
Eddie,

I, too, am a perfectionist. I think it serves three purposes for me.

1. It's one of the few things I feel I have complete control over. I lost that control when I was molested, but if I work real hard and make things perfect, then everything is all right because it's perfect. I did it! Of course if it doesn't come out perfect, then I feel like a complete failure.

2. Whenever things are organized or structured in a perfect manner, then everything is all right in the world. It's another total control issue i have. I know what to expect. There is no surprise or hurt.

3. It's like Archnut said, I worry about what others think about me. Did I fail? Am I good enough? Some part of me believes I was molested because of some "inferior" trait in myself that allowed my perp to abuse me. If I do everything perfect, then I'm safe from perps.

Guess I'm mucked up, but when all is perfect (which it rarely is), its worth all the work I put into it to make it perfect. Sort of a vicious circle though, as I constanty am setting myself up for failure. The only way I can get away from perfectionism is by drinking alcohol, and that is a totally different bag of worms.
 
I have to answer yes and no to this.

Yes I am a perfectionist if I feel that I will get approval from someone (really anyone) for my work, regardless of what the work is. My approval seeking can obsess me in an activity until it is completed and completed correctly. It is the way I cover up the pain and shame and fear. But if I sense the approval slipping away,(or I see the reality that it was never there to begin with) I will just drop the activity, completed or not and the pain returns. I can't work at all with my pain.

To the other extreme, I won't even start an activity for myself unless I feel I can complete it correctly. I know that if I fail at something, can't do something right the first time, I will feel ashamed and it is better to do nothing than to risk feeling ashamed. That is why I created my "cover". My cover based on approval.

The second scenario is usual. More often than not I am an under-achiever. Can't wait to find the balance.

Jon
 
Archnut

If I never got to Uni as a kid, would never get there now, my mind can still wander off into the unknown, but I vow that I will beat it, and won't let it beat me anymore.

Rich

I remember my uncle giving me a motorbike when I was 14, it needed a clutch plate, I had the plate but no tools to do it.

I sat thinking about the problem every night trying everything I could find, my mind analysed the problem and I eventually did it after four months, it kept my mind off the other. It was a big achievement and I felt so good.

I can build a computer and find my way around software, I can automate studios, fix auto engines and a whole lot more, but I would do anything just to be normal.

So it has it's good and bad points, as I tend to start a job and leave it unfinished, worse still forget to do the job.

This is what I am working on

let you know

ste
 
Answer D: all of the above!

Perfectionist - oh yeah! I'm getting a little better at this but at one time, I lived in a world that everything had better be perfect (that included how my clothes were arranged, to how I drove a car, to how I did things at work, etc.. etc..) there wasn't a part of me that didn't try to be perfect. In fact I often would shy away from doing things because I didn't think I could do it "good enough" or "perfect enough". I stuck to jobs that were logical follow the steps jobs but were very detail oriented because it gave me a sense of perfection if I could follow all parts and steps just as they were supposed to be.

Over Achiever - never stopped trying to prove myself. Always had to show that I was worthy and acceptable and that the more I did, the more I knew I would be accepted. I once had a boss tell me when giving an evaluation that I was much harder on myself than they would ever be and that was the truth. I didn't need someone correcting me in life because I constantly critiqued myself and would do self correction. I still do this and to be honest, I wish I could break this habbit because it drives me nuts!

If I am not careful, these things spill over into my personal life and relationship where I start expecting others around me to lead the "perfect and over achieving life". Of course that is teaching me to let go of some of this because I would not want to drive my partner away with my neurotic shit. See, I'm getting hard on myself again. UGH!

Anyway, I know that with my father, I was never good enough, never perfect enough. I could do something the best way I saw or the best that it could be done (considering I was a small little boy) and my father would find some way to criticize me, tell me how bad it was, tell me how stupid I was, tell me how I had no common sense or worse yet, in addition, he would emphasize it with a belt, stick, hoe, board, etc.

I remember sitting down at the piano one day and just playing whatever came to my fingers (like I currently do with my music). When I got done, my father exclaimed, that was full of errors. I remember being brave (or just pissed off) and saying well, how can it be full of errors, I just made it up. Of course that didn't go over well. And ever since then, it has been hard for me to just let myself go on the piano like I know is possible. I'm getting better at turning those tapes off, but constantly am thinking that my music is full of mistakes and it isn't good enough. I don't actually hear my music and what it sounds like until it is played back. That may sounds strange but it is true. I've finally gotten brave enough to release a cd of my music but it hasn't been easy either because I'm always nervous about what others will think of it.

But I am getting better and making progress in this. I recognize these things a lot more now and try to stop them or head them off at the pass. And I'm trying to honor myself and accept myself more but none of this is easy for me.

Don
 
Don

I am really sorry your father treated you this way, to treat a kid of his own blood is irreprehensible in, my mind, a child looks on his /her parents as the child wants to be.

Really confusing thoughts to a young kid, it's so damaging, you have tried to impress your father and he has rebuked you, parenthood is about bringing about the best in a child, even if the child is not of what they expect, they have no right to put any kid thru that.

My idea of parenthood is look at the child, is he doing well, if not, why not?

No parent should ever tell a child that they think they are underachievers, how negative is that?

Kids look on parents as role models, who they want to emulate, when they find so much negative influence, they despair, it is very confusing to them, especially when they have put in so much effort to impress.

Mental abuse sadly is not uncommon in kids, mainly because parents don't see the kid in a normal way and accept them as they are, not what they expect them to be.

When a parent doessn't accept you "for any reason other than what he/she expects" then it is the parent at fault, the child has only learned your mistakes.

He takes that with him for the rest of his life, does he then expect the same of his own children?

If he does then the cycle continues....

I wish you well with your music

let your mind be free now and show him you were right!

take care

ste
 
I'm an underachieving slob. :rolleyes:

I can happily live in chaos, although a dirty house bugs me. But if you could see the mountain of books, papers and stuff that threatens to engulf me here you'd be horrified!

I now realise that I have a functioning brain ( I passed my Certificate in Counselling today :D )
But it took me until I was 50 to accept that.
And something Archnut said made me think about the way I actively promote the 'slob' image.
Archnut described how much trouble he had laying a table "any old how" because of his compulsion to achieve the best.
I would lay the table "any old how" as an act of defiance and rebellion - or to prove that I was as f*****g useless as I believe(d)

My old house has 16 small panes of glass in each of it's 4 front windows. When I clean the windows I cannot do them in a logical order, I just can't start at the top right and do the top row, second row right to left, and so on. I do most of them in a logical order but towards the end I break the order.
I do this with everything that has order to it, or can have an order applied to it. I can't paint a wall without starting in a second place or load all of one size of plate into the dishwasher at a time, I have to load some glasses or something to break the logic.

I think all of this stems from the opposite of needing to achieve and prove myself, I needed to prove I was different ( maybe in the hope someone would ask why? ) and it's something I seem to be stuck with to a great degree, I just love being different. But as I recover I'm gradually moving away from it, at least it's not a major influence now, just a distraction.

Dave
 
reality2k4
Thanks for your kind words. I'm still undoing the damage that he did to me not only of all of this stuff but of the abuse as well. Slowly but surely I am reclaiming and discovering my life.

Dave & FLRIch,, you both gave me a good chuckle.. things have to be perfectly done in a logical sequence...LOL>LOL... just kidding... :)
 
Dave

wanna swap a life of chaos for chaos, my house is definitely lived in, the same as you all kinds of things out of place, jobs waiting to be done stuff to be thrown out.

But Hey I got a roof over my head, it can only get better.

ps 16 pains of glass, I would start with the first 16 and go over them so many times, and they would never be right, even if they were, you could never tell me that.

I will get there though

ste
 
Good topic!

I also suffer in so many ways from this same problem.
I need to be perfect and I cant mess up; it often keeps me from putting my all into everything because Im so focused on messing up that I just lose focus of what I am doing. I cant just let go and allow passion to take me over, it feels like I lose control. I am trying so hard to fight it but it is in my head.

I know that especially when I am around guys I am always thinkin about whether they think I am weird or not a real guy or if I am gay (I used to get teased for that so much when I was younger-Im not though). I just wish I could live my life and not be worried about people. THats what I am trying to do now and I hope that I and the rest of us will succeed and realize that no one in this world is, was, or ever will be perfect.
God Bless Brothers,
Pray for Me as I am coming into a difficult time when school starts where I will be greatly challenged,

Mark
 
I am, at times, a perfectionist. With my school work, I am never satisfied. I redo and redo until I no longer have time to redo. On one English essay, I kept tweaking it until 5:45 am the day it was due.
I am in a math class now. I have always achieved perfect on all of my papers. But, last Wednesday, I put a negative sign instead of a positive, and thus the answer was wrong. I was furious with myself. I have been obsessing about that one stupid sign.
In choir, I demand perfection from myself. I get an accompanyment disc of the songs we cover, and I listen to them over and over. Between classes, I am in my car getting ever note down. I know the world will not end if I make a mistake, but I demand myself to be perfect.

In other aspects of my life, I just go with the flow. If my bedroom gets dirty, I will clean it eventually.

So I have my obsessive side, but I am trying to get myself to lighten up. I have, in the past, missed out on enjoying an activity I love, such as singing, in my quest for perfection.
Casey
 
I tend to push myself as a perfectionist, and am never satisfied with the results. Then I will get so fatigued of it all that I 'give up' for while, and everything rather fall apart. From my personal life, how clean my house is, how I work, everything must be perfect. Of course, nothing is.

I think sometime that the abuse did motivate me more to achieve what I have. I don't know that it was in attempt to gain approval or acceptance, but more like to gain success for spite. I don't know that I am 'overachiever', but I think that I have accomplished more then I would have just based on natural talent or something.

Leosha
 
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