Are we 'special'?

Are we 'special'?
K

Koveri

Registrant
I'll risk stepping on some toes here, but I'll use the excuse that I'm very new here. So cut me some slack if need be.

I'm just wondering why there is a special forum for us gay CSA people? Why would my issues be significantly different than a str8 SCA person? Why is there no forum for Handicapped Survivors, Veteran Survivors, Blond Survivors, Native American Survivors??? etc. ad nausium. I'm not trying to be political here, seriously. Maybe there IS some issue that is significantly different for us gays that I don't know about. If so, what is it? As I think about posting I don't know which forum I should post on. Do I post on this one just because I'm gay? Or is there some other criteria? Does anyone out there really care if I'm gay or not? With all sincerity, Koveri
 
post anywhere you feel comfortable dude ,you will get the same response wherever you post ,support and understanding.
 
Koveri,

Some gay guys feel more comfortable communicating with other gays about some of the SA issues. I've been a member of MaleSurvivor for a long time and started out posting on the board before there were a lot of separate boards for related interests. All of the guys here are here because of what happened to them. We're all here to support each other. We're all here to help. Like Shadowkid said, post anywhere that you feel comfortable.

Take good care of yourself,

Steve
 
one clarification - there are not forums for handicapped survivors, veteran survivors, etc because being gay is a sexual identity and this is, after all, about sexual identity and behavior that happened to us (it shouldn't have)...being gay (or having gay feelings) can be confusing in and of itself...add the victimization component and it gets even more confusing....trust me! I am a gay survivor of incest with a brother who is not gay as an adult.

i think there are a lot of gay men who were victims of incest; having a forum for "us" helps us to find each other and creates a place for sharing things that straight survivors may not understand (ie, there is such a thing as gay culture)

i once had to respond to a letter at an old job that was asking how the organization i worked for could include gays with african americans in the mix of diverse groups...my response: while being gay is not always "detectible" in society - when discrimination happens against a black person, they have their family and can find others who are black to build community and strength...as a gay person, the family is often the primary source of discrimination, compounding the sense of isolation and prejudice in society. again, experience has been my teacher.

i hope this helps! I know i have benefitted enormously from being able to discuss things that are specific to gay culture in the US.

john
 
John,

I appreciate your response and it was helpful and clarifying. I guess I never really connected my abuse with my sexual orientation. I'm not necessarily suggesting a cause-effect relationship but I never thought that I might be experiencing my trauma differently than someone else just because I'm gay or that CSA has anything to do with 'identity'. Since 3 of by abusers were in the family, I don't look to there for support anyway. I find plenty of support for my orientation in the GLBT family, but not much support for the CSA. Maybe this is the exception!

So now you've piqued my interest! You said that "this [forum on CSA] is all about sexual identity and ....]. I think you are correct in that a lot of gay men are victims of CSA or at least their sex life began before puberty. It's only curiousity, but I wonder if I would still be gay if there were no CSA in my past. I doubt it since I had sex with both males and females as a kid; the more violent encounters even being with the males. Maybe there is a where the abuse no longer becomes abuse. Although I never got used to it with the females and it always hurt, with the male family friend, after it no longer hurt to have sex with him it wasn't so bad. He wasn't hell-bent on stimulating my cock like the women. I suppose learning to be at ease with the man was because my inherant orientation knew what was natural.

Did anyone else get 'used to' it? I know at this point the sight of a naked woman is revolting to me. I avoid female porn like the plague because they look so disgusting. I like women as people, but the thought of having sex with one makes me want to puke. I wonder if that is 'normal' for non-bi gay men or is this a result of the CSA? I'm not talking about 'preference'. Of course gay men don't prefer women. But do other gay men like me find them sexually repugnant? I don't care at all for drag queens, especially when they act like a sexy woman.

Koveri
 
koveri,
this is a loaded message and not sure if there are triggers for people. i can't say what came first, the chicken or the egg for me, personally. i was a very "pretty" boy growing up - so my perpetrators were mostly older men; i dont find women repugnant sexually and consider myself gay.

it takes a lot to finally say, hey i am a sexual being, i was sexualized at a very young age, it shouldn't have happened but i am very fine with my sexuality because to say, if this didn't happen i wouldn't be one way or the other (ie, unacceptable to the dominant culture, that's "hetero" in this case) - i would not be gay in a way perpetuates the pejorative negative stereotype that gay = bad. we continuously hear this in the United States and we (gay people) always get lumped into categories that include pederasts/pedophiles (there's a difference), sexual perverts, etc. the most recent example being yesterdays' referendums across the country to ban gay marriage.

i have a girlfriend in Denver (a colleague) who is considering breaking up with her boyfriend because he doesn't understand the issue as she does. it all takes time

sorry to change the direction of the topic but my point is accepting your sexuality and your abuse and just being ok with it takes a long time (i came out at 17 and am 44 now and feel liberated from my past only since 1 month ago, really)

i hope this helps you in some way?

feel free to send me a personal message if you want to

john
 
John,

You mentioned something about 'triggers' that sounded like I may have crossed some line in inappropriatness. Please tell me where I might the 'rules' and what constitutes inappropriate. I tend to be very open and honest and speak my mind, especially when I feel safe, but I don't want to be out of line or make other's feel uncomfortable.

Koveri
 
Koveri,
I am not a moderator nor do I have the rules at hand. Don't worry too much - I'd suggest a therapist, but a good one, to help you with the specifics of your sexuality.

There are many resources online now thankfully and the professionals on this Web site are great too.

I don't think you crossed any line, but just be careful about specifics of your past episodes because it could trigger someone. Most times, if the message contains sexual specificts, there is a warning in the subject line like

you are fine, i think.
 
Koveri,
I go to one gay AA 12 Step group because I am able to say things I can not at straight groups.
I feel safe, but all my other meetings are 'regular' whatever that means. Or as some say, 'different strokes for different folks.'

froggy12 who is tired of being a bystander and has joined the parade.
 
But not today, I am by the wayside trying to focus on the marchers, and the vision is blurred. Disconnected totally. And the decision to reconnect is iffy. The mind is a dangerous place to wander all by myself, I keep opening those attic doors that say 'keep out, mine field' and I get a mental erection, cheap thrill, and creep right past the now open door.
Hmm, do I have a touch of the "Puff the magic dragon" syndrome? or just a simple lunetic?

Enquiring froggy12s want to know
 
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