Are continued relationships with abusers dysfunctional?

Are continued relationships with abusers dysfunctional?
E

EGL

Registrant
Since I broke silence a little over a month ago on the sexual and physical abuse I suffered as a child, I've done a lot of thinking about my father (my physical abuser) and my brother (my sexual abuser).

The main thought that has been going over and over in my mind is this: Of all the male figures in my life, my father and brother have by far been the ones to inflict the most pain on me. So....why is it that I've allowed myself to continue in familial relationships with them?

My wife thought it odd, too, that I haven't been able to develop meaningful relationships with other males to replace the crappy relationships I have with my father and brother.

Is this making sense to anyone? My anger level with the both of them has risen so high that tonight I told my wife that if either of them died tomorrow that I don't think I could show any emotion over it. I know that sounds horrible, but it really is the way I feel.
 
I woiuld think that continued relationships would be dysfunctional. My father physically abused our family until he left when I was 10. I have not seen him since, I have not maintained any contact or relationship with him. He can die, and I will maybe not be happy of it, but I would not at all be sad, I think. My coach, who was sexual abuser with me, I left my country to leave him. I still seen him some, at different events. But never maintained any 'relationship' with him.

I think the fact that these two DID inflict such pain on you are the reason you haven't formed decent relationships with any other male figures in your life. When the first ones are that f*ed up, how can we? But I have found some wonderful friends here, people I actually trust. I think the same can happen for you. I wish you good luck.

Leosha
 
Sexual abuse definitely effects relationships/friendships with other males. It's crazy I know, but in the back of my mind I'm always wondering, "What does this guy, that says he's my friend, really want from me? When is he going to turn on me?" My abuse happened 31 years ago, and I still have these feelings. Although I've had some male buddies for years, I haven't been able to truly trust another male friend, because of these thoughts.
 
Well, I dont know if this answers your question because it might be different for you but I know I still have a relationship with my sexual abuser, my brother. Its a decent one at that. I think it has to do with for me atleast the fact that I'm still in denial over it. My abuse is a gray area, he was only 3 1/2 years older than me and it was "consentual". However, I am currently wrestling with if I was able to give consent at 12.

I guess I feel that these are some big charges and I don't want to be wrong about them. I've already told my mother but I haven't confronted my brother. Another reason is that I love my brother, he's my brother.

Jason
 
I am not sure how much help I can be because I struggle with this question as well. My abuser was also my brother and I hate him to an incredable extream but I still find myself trying despretly to get past my hate and have a relationship with him. To me, hate, is a very powerful word and I do not like to use it lightly. I have found that out of all the people that have hurt me in my life there is only my brother that I actually hate. I tell you this only for one reason and that is to express just how I feel towards my brother. I do not understand why, if I hate him so badly that I try to find a love that I fear will never exist, but nontheless I do. I think, or better said a theary that I have as to why I do is because no matter how much I hate to admit it he is my brother and if I don't love him now I know I loved him once before, so therefor because of love being such a strong bond it is extreamly hard to erase even if the person destroyed your life. I hope this is helpful my friend and if you ever want to talk please feel free to pm me anytime, I would love to chat with you. Your friend malidin.
 
I have a problem with these abusers-perpetrators because they are not just monsters--that would make it a lot easier to hate them thoroughy and without qualification--they are complex human beings with many aspects.

What do I do with abusers from whom I received, with whom I shared other things which were not abuse?

In my case, it breaks me up but I cannot be around them. Its too much for me. The abuse has messed my life up too much. I blame them too much. I have too much anger.

Its not a big deal anyway, I suppose, because any relationships I have are pretty shallow. They left me with that, too.

After taking care of myself, I don't have any emotional energy left.
 
Thanks for the input so far, guys.

With my brother (my sexual abuser), I can tell at family gatherings that when I'm around him I feel my "force field" go up inside me, like a protection zone. ("Shields on, Captain!") That kind of thing.

I never call him. The only contact I have with him now is when he calls me, which is generally every 2-3 weeks. We talk about nothing for about 5 minutes. I wonder if he ever wonders why? :confused:

With my father (my physical abuser), I see him probably once or twice a month. At family gatherings, we pretty much don't speak to each other. If we do, it's high level stuff ("Rain at your house today?").

So in a way, I guess I'm really not carrying on a familial relationship with them, because we're not really relating about anything.

I guess I've never really thought of it this way. :confused:
 
I think it depends on the people involved if it is dysfunctional. I know of some people who have carried on good relationships with their abusers, though I will admit that is more the exception, not the rule. I know for me I am unable to keep a relationship with anyone who abused me, and don't want to have any type of relationship, I would be happy to totally forget about them,but then I wouldn't be able to heal. I think it is a very individual thing, and the anger you are feeling is quite normal. Sounds to me like you are not keeping a really familial relatioship with them, and that can work for you, but if you are too uncomfortable having a relationship with your father and brother, it is ok to try to avoid the situation, or even telling them.

I think it is normal to have difficulty in having relationships with other males after we have been abused. I know I have few male friends, and to be honest don't really totally trust many of them. I think as we go further along on our healing journey it will be easier to have relationships with other males.

I wish you good luck and hope you can continue to heal.

scott
 
Eddie - for years I was subconsciously segregating people in my mind. There were only two categories & they were possible abusers or those who may have been abused. Those 2 categories were 'male' only - I didn't think that females were abused or were abusers (not that I didn't think it possible - I just didn't think about it)...see I just went from my frames of reference.

I have only knowingly met one abuser - the one that abused me when I was 12. That abuser happened to be male.

Now that I am on something of an even keel, I relise that I cannot walk around judging people because they happen to be of a certain age/sex.

Not all men are abusers / not all women are abusers.

There are some extremely good people out there of both sexes - try and trust some of them (open a conversation & take it from there). I have found out just how good the friends are around me (both sexes). *They could never understand what it takes for me to give that trust - if they knew, they would realise what an honour it is!

It's up to you whether or not you maintain relations with your blood relatives - only you can really know what you want is best for you!


Best wishes (try that new friends thing if you can - being a friend creates friends)....Rik
 
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