CSA taping first draft
Sexual abuse of males is a seldom acknowledged and highly misunderstood occurrence. It is believed by many to be rare and only occurring in places such as prisons. That is not true. It happens in our homes, schools, churches and clubs. The perpetrators are occasionally strangers, but more often well known to the victim. The perpetrators can appear to anyone from family members to trusted friends, such as clergy, neighbors or club leaders. Both males and females can be perpetrators, sexual preference is no indicator of anyones likelihood to violate a child. The victims do not ask for it nor enjoy their initiation to being sexual, often years before ready to make that decision for themselves.
I know, I am a survivor of sexual abuse which occurred from the age of 2 until my teenage years. A male extended family member sexually abused me from around the age of 2, I am guessing at the age because my earliest memories are from a time before I could talk, so this is a guess. The abuse by this man continued until I was 14. About the same time this abuse stopped, another male family member, for whom I was working, began repeatedly asking to have sex with me. I believe that never happened, but I am not certain. Throughout my adolescence, a number of men hiton me but I always got out of the situation.
I blocked out memory of the abuse until I was about 40 years old. At that time, I started having memories of the abuse and also started experiencing panic attacks. I could not fathom where the memories were coming from because I had crafted quite an elaborate denial of them. I was afraid that something was wrong with me even though I knew these memories to be true. It was difficult to believe the memory of events I had for so long denied happened. I began seeing a therapist who helped me come to terms with the idea that these things had actually happened to me. Since that time I have also been able to confirm the accuracy of the recovered memories from other sources who know them to be true.
I knew at the time I began having memories that sexual abuse of male children did occur, but had no idea how common it is. Most studies seem to find that 1 in 6 men have been sexually abused at some time in their lives. In my recovery from this abuse, that statistic has helped me to get over the feeling of isolation that I experienced when the memories first started coming back. My abuser had told me not to tell and if I did that no one would believe me. It felt like I was the only person that this had ever happened to. I now know that I am not alone as a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and that feeling alone and isolated is very common to men who have been abused...
I have always felt different than other boys and later men. I never knew where this feeling came from, but frequently felt that I did not fit in. That feeling is a common symptom of abuse. My abuser said things to me that lead me to be afraid of other boys and men. Even as a child, I know the things he was doing to me were wrong. What he convinced me of, was that I was somehow to blame for his actions. If I could cause him to do these things to me, then other people if allowed to get to close could do the same. That, of course, was a lie; but I did not have the mental capacity to know that at the age he started saying it to me. Since he continued with that lie for so long, it was just the way life was for me. Being hit on by other males only seemed to prove what he had said and to further my lack of trust. One of the ways I had tried to protect myself was weight gain. During my third and fourth grade years, I went from a skinny kid to a very heavy one. The fat served as insulation from other people. It was when as an adult that I lost 130 pounds of that protection and then quickly began putting it back on, that I began remembering way I gained it in the first place. Being attractive to other people was a dangerous thing for me.
There are some things I want people to know about this.
First, it is not only girls and women who can be raped. Boys and men can be and are raped and it is not their fault or responsibility.
Second, the body responds to physical stimulation separate from any mental or emotional involvement. Physical response to a rape does not mean you wanted or enjoyed it.
Third, there are resources to help you recover from the trauma of being abused. Therapists, support groups, retreats and internet chat rooms exist where you can find help in dealing with this. Healing does not mean that you get to a point were it is as if, you were never abused. I think there will always be some things you will react differently to than a person who was never abused, but I do believe you can be a survivor and be well and whole physically and mentally.
Fourth, being abused does not determine your sexual preference. In other words, it will not make you gay. Sexual identity can be confused by the experience but not determined.
Fifth, being sexually abused does not make anyone more likely to abuse someone else. Studies have shown that most abusers were abused, but only a small percentage of those who have been abused continue the cycle of abuse.
If you have been abused, please talk to someone. Get help and deal with this issue as soon as you can. The despair and depression of dealing with this are not your lot in life. Joy and happiness can be yours. If you suspect someone is being abused, do something about it. Please dont let any child continue to think that no one will believe them.
Sexual abuse of both males and females is all too common. It does not have to be. Safety and happiness for all people is possible. Be a part of the solution to this problem, not a part of people who prefer to pretend it doesnt happen. I tried that solution for a long time and trust me, it does not work.
Well...that's the first draft. What do you think?
Ken
