Apparently female on male rape is still a joke...
When I'd typed to the end of this I figured I should preface this by saying - I had a rough, stupid but overall harmless experience that left a bad and, again, harmless taste in my mouth and needed a safe place to get it out. That's what this comes down to.
I had an experience last night that is really weighing on me and I can't really think of anywhere else to talk about it.
Being, for what feels like the first time, in a sexually safe relationship - my partner and I have recently been talking about anal play on me. It's a difficult one because, although there wasn't any actual penetration, the anal area and whole backside was the, so-to-speak, location on my body where, when I was a child, my mother focused much of her abuse.
My partner understands everything and is empathetic on a level that is very personal between us. I'd mentioned in another post that me actually finding love here came with the immeasurably low odds of many things including having seen the same sex therapist for the same reasons - just opposite gendered parents.
She's safe, this is safe, we're curious.
Last night my partner and I went to a local adult toy store here in Pittsburgh and the experience for me was one that left me nauseated.
My experience, over all, in any adult toy store has been very positive and welcoming. Really - every time (all, maybe, 5 of them) I've gone into one of these stores I've felt, "yeah, these people are great - they know this is awkward and they're making it feel really safe here..."
We went into AdultMart downtown and found the section of the store that had anal plugs and the staff member came over to see if we needed any help.
She was somewhere in her 40s with a slight arrogance about her.
Having had positive experiences before - I already felt comfortable and told her, "we're trying this for the first time and I'm just curious where to start."
At first she was pretty helpful - she showed me options and suggested some things.
My partner picked up one of the toys and asked, "would this fit in a strap on for pegging?"
The woman responded, "no, those are in a different section, here - let me show you..."
The two of them walked to another section and in a moment my partner called me over to show me what they were talking about. When I'd seen the image on the package and that the strap-on dildo was a very realistic penis I'd said, "that's a few levels higher than where I want to start... If this is a success and we make a habit of it - we'll reconsider but I'm not there yet."
The three of use began walking towards the register when the lady working there chuckled and said to my partner, "ha, just do it to him while he's sleeping..."
All of my muscles cringed up and I looked back at that woman. I tried to continue being nice, I smiled halfway and said, "she could do that but then - that would be called rape..."
She laughed and continued her joking and said, "not if it's legitimate..."
She then grabbed an anal-douche of the wall and handed it to my partner and said, "you'll need this too..."
To which I said, "again, yeah, higher level - I'm not there yet," and she didn't even respond to me... She just gave me a quick look and handed it to my partner and said, "every gay guy I know does this before sex..."
So I'd put the toy we'd bought on the counter and just waited to check out. They came over to the counter. She came over, we had a silent exchange, I grabbed the bag and left.
When my partner and I'd gotten outside I'd said, "I really never want to go back to that place - that lady really disgusted me and left me with a bad taste in my mouth... I mean - she made a joke about you raping me in my sleep and then when I'd said I wasn't comfortable with the stuff she was bringing out she just ignored me and talked to you. I can't believe she said that you should - legitimately - rape me in my sleep... I want to puke..."
As we crossed the road my partner looks at me and said, "c'mon, she was just joking and trying to make the situation more smooth..."
I think what shocked me most in this moment was my partner's response. Both of use are very avid feminist activists... How could she have missed this? How could she have tried to rationalize raping me and as a joke?
I was pretty mortified but - I am very good at keeping myself calm and just talking. I took a few breaths as we drove home and I said to her, "I love you and know that nothing out of your mouth towards me has ever been and will never be malicious - I need to tell you about how this experience has me feeling right now,," I said, "think about this from a switched perspective for just a moment... Imagine you and I go into a sex toy store and you, me and the male staff member pick up something that you tell me and him you are not comfortable with that involves anal penetration. When you say this - the male staff member says to me, without looking at you, to 'just do it to her when she is sleeping,' and that it's not rape if, 'it's legitimate,' and when we walk outside you tell me how you felt about it and my response to you is, 'c'mon, he was just joking about me raping you...' do you mind just thinking about that scenario for a second?"
I know my partner well enough that I didn't want to make this a huge issue because I knew how she'd react when she'd spent a few moments thinking about it.
She put her hand on my neck and apologized and said, "I am sincerely sorry, I can't believe I, of all people, missed that and said what I'd said. If the situation were reversed - yes - I would be beyond offended and appalled, darling I am sorry - I wasn't thinking when I'd said that. We'll never go back to that store, we don't have to do anything tonight, we can wait as long as you want. Oof. Had you and a male staff member at a sex store joked about raping me and you tried to just joke it off when we left... God, I am so sorry darling... I feel nauseated now..."
And like all situations where her and I find ourselves emotionally troubled or we're walking through a topic like it's a land mine field - we were able to calmly talk, hug and resolve ourselves back to baseline in no time. I love her for being able to calmly do this with me. When she'd apologized this way - I was so in love with her. I made certain she knew it too by saying, "that's all - I just needed you to see that this situation was hurtful for me. You apologized and didn't try to save face, you were here with me empathetically and you understood - I love you so much when you respond to me this way."
Naturally - her and I are perfectly fine and wound up just cooking dinner and watching "Dumb and Dumber To" (we're both in our 30s and have been excited to see our old, absurd, friends Lloyd and Harry being goofballs again. Honestly - I don't recommend the movie had you not grown up in the 90s and already seen and loved the first one; the sequel was really just for fans of the first one looking for a good nostalgic laugh... ANYWAY...) and going to sleep early.
But I woke up this morning and while making coffee I started to think of the woman from last night...
Fuck! I want to find every way to give that store a bad review! I want that employee fired! I want that store closed! I can't believe how insensitive she was! Etc. I woke up and still feel disgusted by that experience...
While the end result of the night was that my partner and I found another way to access each other emotionally and empathetically and so I am thrilled at the glass-half-full gift we were given to close the day with - I am still kind of pissed about the store experience.
Something in me rose up this morning that said, "I need Feminism because: female on male rape is a joke I shouldn't get upset over."
I want to go back to that store and give that lady just a small lesson in sensitivity training, I want to tell her about my mother, tell her about my mother's dildos, tell her about not caring about other people, tell her she needs to look people in the eye when she's talking to them...
Or maybe I feel like I want to write this all on a brick and throw it through the window of the store.
I don't know.
The experience just shook me up.
I found myself on Yelp.com with a review typed up. I thought about posting it on any site that would accept it and then I'd thought, "I'm just going to click the 'one-star-this-place-is-crap' button and, instead, do something productive and in a safe place with these thoughts..."
And you, my brothers-in-tragedy, who have been here for me as long as you have - I've come here to vent because if there is anywhere I feel safe to be me and wax emotionally and rantingly - it is here.
I had an experience last night that is really weighing on me and I can't really think of anywhere else to talk about it.
Being, for what feels like the first time, in a sexually safe relationship - my partner and I have recently been talking about anal play on me. It's a difficult one because, although there wasn't any actual penetration, the anal area and whole backside was the, so-to-speak, location on my body where, when I was a child, my mother focused much of her abuse.
My partner understands everything and is empathetic on a level that is very personal between us. I'd mentioned in another post that me actually finding love here came with the immeasurably low odds of many things including having seen the same sex therapist for the same reasons - just opposite gendered parents.
She's safe, this is safe, we're curious.
Last night my partner and I went to a local adult toy store here in Pittsburgh and the experience for me was one that left me nauseated.
My experience, over all, in any adult toy store has been very positive and welcoming. Really - every time (all, maybe, 5 of them) I've gone into one of these stores I've felt, "yeah, these people are great - they know this is awkward and they're making it feel really safe here..."
We went into AdultMart downtown and found the section of the store that had anal plugs and the staff member came over to see if we needed any help.
She was somewhere in her 40s with a slight arrogance about her.
Having had positive experiences before - I already felt comfortable and told her, "we're trying this for the first time and I'm just curious where to start."
At first she was pretty helpful - she showed me options and suggested some things.
My partner picked up one of the toys and asked, "would this fit in a strap on for pegging?"
The woman responded, "no, those are in a different section, here - let me show you..."
The two of them walked to another section and in a moment my partner called me over to show me what they were talking about. When I'd seen the image on the package and that the strap-on dildo was a very realistic penis I'd said, "that's a few levels higher than where I want to start... If this is a success and we make a habit of it - we'll reconsider but I'm not there yet."
The three of use began walking towards the register when the lady working there chuckled and said to my partner, "ha, just do it to him while he's sleeping..."
All of my muscles cringed up and I looked back at that woman. I tried to continue being nice, I smiled halfway and said, "she could do that but then - that would be called rape..."
She laughed and continued her joking and said, "not if it's legitimate..."
She then grabbed an anal-douche of the wall and handed it to my partner and said, "you'll need this too..."
To which I said, "again, yeah, higher level - I'm not there yet," and she didn't even respond to me... She just gave me a quick look and handed it to my partner and said, "every gay guy I know does this before sex..."
So I'd put the toy we'd bought on the counter and just waited to check out. They came over to the counter. She came over, we had a silent exchange, I grabbed the bag and left.
When my partner and I'd gotten outside I'd said, "I really never want to go back to that place - that lady really disgusted me and left me with a bad taste in my mouth... I mean - she made a joke about you raping me in my sleep and then when I'd said I wasn't comfortable with the stuff she was bringing out she just ignored me and talked to you. I can't believe she said that you should - legitimately - rape me in my sleep... I want to puke..."
As we crossed the road my partner looks at me and said, "c'mon, she was just joking and trying to make the situation more smooth..."
I think what shocked me most in this moment was my partner's response. Both of use are very avid feminist activists... How could she have missed this? How could she have tried to rationalize raping me and as a joke?
I was pretty mortified but - I am very good at keeping myself calm and just talking. I took a few breaths as we drove home and I said to her, "I love you and know that nothing out of your mouth towards me has ever been and will never be malicious - I need to tell you about how this experience has me feeling right now,," I said, "think about this from a switched perspective for just a moment... Imagine you and I go into a sex toy store and you, me and the male staff member pick up something that you tell me and him you are not comfortable with that involves anal penetration. When you say this - the male staff member says to me, without looking at you, to 'just do it to her when she is sleeping,' and that it's not rape if, 'it's legitimate,' and when we walk outside you tell me how you felt about it and my response to you is, 'c'mon, he was just joking about me raping you...' do you mind just thinking about that scenario for a second?"
I know my partner well enough that I didn't want to make this a huge issue because I knew how she'd react when she'd spent a few moments thinking about it.
She put her hand on my neck and apologized and said, "I am sincerely sorry, I can't believe I, of all people, missed that and said what I'd said. If the situation were reversed - yes - I would be beyond offended and appalled, darling I am sorry - I wasn't thinking when I'd said that. We'll never go back to that store, we don't have to do anything tonight, we can wait as long as you want. Oof. Had you and a male staff member at a sex store joked about raping me and you tried to just joke it off when we left... God, I am so sorry darling... I feel nauseated now..."
And like all situations where her and I find ourselves emotionally troubled or we're walking through a topic like it's a land mine field - we were able to calmly talk, hug and resolve ourselves back to baseline in no time. I love her for being able to calmly do this with me. When she'd apologized this way - I was so in love with her. I made certain she knew it too by saying, "that's all - I just needed you to see that this situation was hurtful for me. You apologized and didn't try to save face, you were here with me empathetically and you understood - I love you so much when you respond to me this way."
Naturally - her and I are perfectly fine and wound up just cooking dinner and watching "Dumb and Dumber To" (we're both in our 30s and have been excited to see our old, absurd, friends Lloyd and Harry being goofballs again. Honestly - I don't recommend the movie had you not grown up in the 90s and already seen and loved the first one; the sequel was really just for fans of the first one looking for a good nostalgic laugh... ANYWAY...) and going to sleep early.
But I woke up this morning and while making coffee I started to think of the woman from last night...
Fuck! I want to find every way to give that store a bad review! I want that employee fired! I want that store closed! I can't believe how insensitive she was! Etc. I woke up and still feel disgusted by that experience...
While the end result of the night was that my partner and I found another way to access each other emotionally and empathetically and so I am thrilled at the glass-half-full gift we were given to close the day with - I am still kind of pissed about the store experience.
Something in me rose up this morning that said, "I need Feminism because: female on male rape is a joke I shouldn't get upset over."
I want to go back to that store and give that lady just a small lesson in sensitivity training, I want to tell her about my mother, tell her about my mother's dildos, tell her about not caring about other people, tell her she needs to look people in the eye when she's talking to them...
Or maybe I feel like I want to write this all on a brick and throw it through the window of the store.
I don't know.
The experience just shook me up.
I found myself on Yelp.com with a review typed up. I thought about posting it on any site that would accept it and then I'd thought, "I'm just going to click the 'one-star-this-place-is-crap' button and, instead, do something productive and in a safe place with these thoughts..."
And you, my brothers-in-tragedy, who have been here for me as long as you have - I've come here to vent because if there is anywhere I feel safe to be me and wax emotionally and rantingly - it is here.
