Anyone else got this problem?

Anyone else got this problem?
Harry

Harry

Registrant
GRAPHIC, MAY TRIGGER:

Old Post (a little added):


Hey guys, I'm new here. Guess I'll tell my story. I don't remember at what age (about from 7 or 8 to 11 or 12), but me and my older sister and brother and sometimes cousins would sometimes play around and stuff. My sister would tell us what to do, and we would do it. It started off with show-me-your-and-i'll-show-you-mine stuff. But sometimes it was stuff like "now you put it there and have her kiss it, and now you kiss her's, and now lay on her." Never actual intercourse and nothing that I thought wasn't just fun experimenting. And it was never forced either. I still love my sister very much and have a great relationship with all my family. I'm actually very surprised it fucked me up so much later on. I had horrible depression junior and especially senior years in high school. Very suicidal and all. Senior year I was caught with a shotgun in my car (I had borrowed it from a friend just that day). I didn't know what I was going to do with it -- maybe shoot myself, maybe rob a liquor store -- but I told them about how depressed I was in hopes that they would be easy on me. So I went to a psychological hospital or whatever for a week and tried out a bunch of different meds, while at the same time seeing a psychologist and going through therapy in which I only spoke of depression, but never brought up anything in my past. Then one of my close friends killed himself , and seeing how devastating it was to his family (who I knew as friends too) pretty much made me not suicidal anymore. Plus my meds stated working so I figured I was cured of all my problems. Off to college a perfect kid with no issues! Not so. Freshman year depression started coming back, and now in my Sophomore year (I am 19 years old by the way), it's gotten really really bad and this is the first time I have been able to make myself realize why I am so depressed. It's the sense of shame. And not just shame because of what happened in my childhood. It's because of what I feel now. You know how sometimes for reasons that I don't understand, the victim abused in their childhood become just like their molesters? They end up doing the same thing that was done to them? Well that's why I have an intense feeling of shame and self-hatred. I have that attraction now. What the fuck! I wasn't even that badly abused if you even want to call it that! And now I have to be like this?! If as you are reading this you have begun to loathe me for what I am, that makes 2 of us. I did NOT want to be like this. Shit... Course I guess none of us asked for what we got. If you do not have this problem, then be thankful, because the shame you might feel caused by your past is multiplied by a million when you realize that you have become what you hate most in the world, molesters. In case you are not sure if you despise me or not, I just want you to know that what I feel disgusts me so much I would gladly and quickly put a bullet through my head the second I came close to acting on this. But still the shame is killing me. I plan to go back to therapy this summer. Otherwise I don't know what would happen to me. It's my last resort. And yet, I still have very very little hope that they will be able to help me. I mean, they might help a little, but from what I have read about people who get to be like me, I haven't heard of anyone of them actually being able to change their attraction, which is all I want. What I would like to know is, is anyone else going through this? Cause I swear to God I can't take much more of this self-loathing. Thanks.

[ August 21, 2001: Message edited by: Harry ]
 
Yes,I can relate to your experience.
Look for my post to see if it is of interest to you.

[This message has been edited by sharculle (edited 04-12-2001).]
 
Should I be glad for you? You found or was told about this site. And letting out the things that are of most important to you or that is bothering you. I am,
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but not that the things that happen, we all can live with out.
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My brothers and sisters and I lived with neglect, with out parenting of soical accepted roles. I was free to do as any child would like, as in Mark Twains,"Huck Berry on the Mississippi River."
But I lived a high risk life of being abused by others, older, bigger, stronger, smarter and the like.

I was feeling depressed because I thought that I was or felt alone.
I was feeling all by my self.
I was feeling used.
Why do I have to do the things,
that I don't want to do?
(with a carpet vaccum cleaner in hand)
drinking to forget
drinking to fit in
drinking is a depressant also
Today I'm not as depressed about things,
thanks to alot of other changes I made
even if the stuff that happen never changes

I do not feel betrayed today, it toke time for me to out grow.

I do not feel insecure today, I have work hard to have the things that I have today.

I am still working on my anger, sometimes I react in anger, or find I am angry at myself.

It is not better to just forget the past.
Downplay our past,
We are prey to the repetition compulsion.
For our own good,
claim our painful
reactions to our past
mistreatment.
The more we idealize the past,
and refuse to
acknowledge our
childhood suffings.
The more we pass
them on unconsciously
to the next generation.
(Classic Scriptography Product)

I have accepted that I did not get to choose
who I wanted to have sex with.
I was at a immature, not fully grown, in the natural stage of growth to have sex.
My adolescent difficulties physical and emotional maturation level, seduced or propled into illicit sexual acts, of not my choosing, but did happen, with both sex's.

And when I was of aged, of mature, or advance enuff to produce semen.
I was already on a progressively,
and improperly, incestuous desire to
perpetuate sex for gain,
rather than affection.

I had help, maybe you will continue to seek
help, LOVE ,fmighell Anc Ak
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Harry, I'm a survivor of maternal incest, the murdering of my innocence, and the theft of my childhood.

Of course, I have suffered greatly and manifested many or most of the behaviors and mental states referred to on this board and elsewhere: After effects of incest

I have done many things that I have been ashamed of. But I need to pass along something I have learned: I can't recover if I don't love myself. I am not to blame.

I am struggling with a very sexually compulsive persona or facet or ego state or alter -- I'm not sure what it is, but it has raised hell with my life.

I'm willing to talk about it with you and share what I know ... which may not be enough.

Richard
 
Have strong boundaries. I'm sure my father abused both my sister and me. (Her I remember, me, no). The problem was not that he had the urge, the temptation. The problem was that he set no boundaries for himself, had no self-control, but was controling of others in a meglamaniacal way. Bad, hippy boundrylessness. Make sure you don't get there. Make sure you never give yourself the opportunity or the excuse.
 
Don't worry about boundries for me. I definately have them. And if for any reason I was so messed up that I would cross my boundries, they would be the boundries that stop me from killing myself. Thanks for the support guys. I just found this page a few days ago but it's done a lot for me. My only fear is starting therapy. I was totally set on it for a long time until a few days ago. I didn't really think anything could happen that would put me worse off than I am now, and I figured it was worth it. Now I am doubting. I didn't know what kind of chances there were for changing what's wrong with me. What I can't live with is this attraction. That is the only thing I wanted to change, and I was willing to do anything to change it. But I guess that was stupid because I guess that therapy, medications, or anything else is not going to change that for me, right? I mean, there is nothing that can be done to get this out of me is there? Because that was why I wanted to get help. I have been living with depression and I can continue living with it. I am used to it. But if that is all that can be cured by seeking help, then should I bother? If what I want to change in me cannot be changed then should I just deal with it? Can it be changed?
 
Let's see
changes I made
over a period of time
but the things that did happen,
dosen't change

If it takes time for the stuff I learn, everything to this day,
my life,
it takes alife time,
up to this day.

I don't think I can change the way I feel,
right away,
the things that I feel about to this day,
it toke time to learn and
it will take time to re-learn.

Just seating and making wishes,
(that I do) is not going to work.

When I see a young nineteen year old guy,
hold me back, if he should find out,
that I would do anything for him (sexually)
I'd become a slave
because
when I grew up,
thats all the male person's that I knew
wanted to do,
is use me for their sexual satifaction,
then as I was older, I did it for money.

Today I catache myself and pick up my eyes off the floor and put them back in my head after they've pop out when seeing a guy who was sexually attractive to me (in my eyes)and then I need to count to ten in my mind and keeping out of the gutter so to speake, I have to change my thinking.

I am still getting help today,
the years of trying to do it my self
wasn't really helping me,
it was the things,
I did to survive,
I wasn't really happy,
I need help, and you help me too.

fmighell Anc Ak
 
You might not want to wait till summer to get help. Especially if you are feeling bad about yourself. Are you aware of helplines, sometimes they have lists of people you can speak to. Take care of yourself.
 
I never had those kind of desires, but i think i could have. Maybe it sounds strange but i, and most others like me, understand why you feel the way you do, and we don't loathe you. In fact, i respect you, because you are fighting so hard to keep control. It isn't your fault you feel this way, in many ways, your thoughts arent your own. It's hard to accept that you might be have bad thoughts, but sometimes its harder to except you don't have total control over yourself. We all think things we don't want to, we all make decisions we regret. It doesnt make you a bad person. Life has been hard on us, and our minds sometimes defend ourselves in ways we can't understand.

It's amazing how easy healing seems once you bring everything out sometimes. Just let go of your shame and tell somebody, work though it however you can. It feels like jumping off a cliff, but it is like ripping a huge chunk out of the darkness thats been builing up inside you. Shame is what binds us, it's what keeps us chained in a life of misery. The sooner you let go of shame, the less it can hurt you, and the freer you will be.

were all here for you, so don't be afraid to say anything and everything you think and feel. Take care.
 
i'm tired of not being open here with you guys because i've found more support here than anywhere else. so i'm gonna post more often now. and i also brought up this old post of mine because it was the first time i was really open and vented in this forum.

so here's a short update:
summers over. didnt get therapy yet. went to dr. and got antidepressents which are working. but still need therapy because i am still a very very very fucked up piece of shit of a person for feeling what i do. going back to school in Los Angeles tomorrow. going to call around for appointments with psychologists there so i can get help while at school. we'll see how it goes from there. so basically, i don't hate myself any less than before, but i have a little more hope for changing myself.
 
Hi Harry,

Its great to see you posting again. We are all here for you. I look forward to reading your posts.

Good Luck and God Bless You,

Brian :)
 
Just wondering if your school actually provides any counseling. I went to UCSD, and I considered going to counseling, but never went. Just like the medical treatment on campus, it was relatively low-cost.

I work in the field of psychology, and it's hard to get over the stigma of going to a therapist. It wasn't until I found myself huddled in a bed, unable to go to work, that I realized I needed to make an appointment.

So I did. Jeez, just the act of making that phone call did wonders for my day.

Good luck, Harry!

J
We're in this together.
 
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