Hi Crystal,
Sometimes it seems like abused people (or alcoholics, or druggies, or . . . .) actively seek out chaos. We do. Maybe it sort of seems like a familiar place.
btw, as far as arguing goes . . . (I mean no disrespect to you or your husband) but never argue with a fool. It becomes hard to tell the difference (between who is the fool). And someone who is the fight mode while working on (or usually avoiding working on) this stuff is no one to argue with. Just state your case and do not take crap, and get safely distant.
But I would not say (mho only) that chaos is an issue of safer . . . it is a place of familiar. When we are (or make that WERE, thank you HP
) in chaos in the real outside world, the outside world matches us more closely on the inside.
I sort of think at as a variation of the quote "We see the world as we are, not as it is."
One friend I have been working with a lot this year is black, or I guess African-American would be the more current term. We were discussing how childhood events can effect your life. During his first week of first grade in integrated school in West Texas, he was very eager to do well. He was very prepared for school by his older siblings who attended segregated schools, and he knew much of the class material. The third day of class, the teacher took him out in the hall, beat him with a yardstick and yelled "I was not asking you, nigger!"
That left a real imprint in his young mind. He never did ask nor answer another question. He is very intelligent but never made it through college because he still resents that and distrusts the schooling system, and now distrusts most of the world.
And in my case, I suppose since I was sexually abused, I smeared that over my view of the world. I was always on guard for who was going to f*ck me and would be putting counter-f*cks preemptively in place. So I was always a part sleaze in everything.
But we have both caused our worlds to match our minds. But at any rate, you asked about chaos. Chaos is a pretty common symptom, but that is one the "promises" of AA. That the chaos will leave. It does.
(sorry to be "quoting" AA and Al-Anon stuff so much . . . It is just such an effective model for many recovery situations, including abuse)
- - - - - - - - - - -
About the memory stuff. I had one common theme. Avoid, avoid, avoid.
I totally lost my marbles (I think de-compensation is the correct term) after attending a seminar about child abuse. I was 36 at the time, and had managed to keep it all pretty well suppressed, but my brain just vomited when I really realized they were talking about me. Huge chunks just came back up and I barely made it home and just sat in a corner and on the bed and tried to breath between sobbing for about three days.
Now I have gotten a little (but only a little
) smarter on how to deal with this. When there is something to work on, I usually know and even if I do not always directly work on it, at least I do not actively avoid it. But all bravado aside, it is some pretty tough work.
But in the end, either you work on the issues or the issues work on you.
In time, once one starts to make it successfully through the first big "emergencies," you learn how to handle the problems, and memories, and mental crisis, until somewhere down near the end you can really see the end of the path, and know that life is going to be alright. Or at least something you can really manage. Without hate, or chaos, or fear, or sleaze.
That was about five years ago that I had that de-comp, and now I have been through lots of group stuff, therapy, made it through some real mental crisis, been blessed with a girlfriend-to-be-wife, we have a wonderful baby daughter, and most of the sleazy people have exited my life.
As bizarre as it seems, I have been sort of blessed by the process. And about the only thing I have left to do is properly forgive my perp. But I have been putzing about doing that for almost two years, now, and that is why I am back, grouping.
Then I figure life gets pretty good. I will help folks like us who are hurting, and be a good husband, live a Godly life, and raise or a good child, or if we are further blessed, children.
hmmm, ain't such a bad deal.
See you,
Sunshine.
Gotta love cartoon wisdom!