any parents / would be parents relate

any parents / would be parents relate
P

-princess-

New Registrant
havn't posted here for a while but having some major probs every step of the way... :rolleyes:

... i'm in the middle of "getting help", i have an asessment soon for nhs psychological help, and this time i'm gonna have more to tell them so hopefully they'll give me something / someone i can work with. i have a understanding but highly driven partner and we have a 2y old son, and she is 16 weeks into another pregnancy, at least we were until the heartbeat stopped completely.

this has thrown us completely, of course. it's like nothing i expected, well nothing like this ever happens to anyone you know, and then it does and you're lost...

:confused: first, i suppose this is just subjective paranoia or whatever but arn't i supposed to be the sturdy rock thing that helps her through it? i feel the loss is the same way she does i'm sure, but feel confsed about whether that's right/wrong?

:confused: then there's alot of guilt because i know it's a relief on some levels, i said before the conception that i'm having alot more effects from sa and didn't feel confident about more responsibility (an old story for many but rare honesty for me at that time) and now i know that it's going to be longer before any desire for more children comes around again.

i never wanted this to happen, once my partner and i had discussed another child, i backed her and would give everything i can find all the way and now, getting confused with what tense to phrase this all in, i have both deep pain of loss and guilt of my selfish survival...

i'd much rather just be a rock :( if i knew how
 
Hey man dont beat yourself to death about it. Loss of a child is horrible for anyone especially one that is wanted by both of you. Sometimes it is just not meant to be. I dont know why but that is what happens.

i never wanted this to happen, once my partner and i had discussed another child, i backed her and would give everything i can find all the way and now, getting confused with what tense to phrase this all in, i have both deep pain of loss and guilt of my selfish survival...
Click to expand...
There is absolutely no reason for guilt about surviving. You have a wonderful partner and a child that loves you dearly. Think of that. We tend to ignore our qualities in times of great stress. It was not your fault ( just like yourSA) and your child and children yet to come will be protected by you. Your wife loves you. Remember that.

You and your partner are not alone in your grief. I, myself, cannot begin to fathom the pain you feel but there are millions of parents who can understand.

So be kind to yourself and support your partner through it all.
 
My heart goes out to all three of you.

I imagine the two year old was part of a discussion of what he could be expecting, a brother or a sister. I'm sure he's grieving, too.

Thank God you're not a rock.

My concern for you would be that you can let go some with your partner.

Your little guy is probably feeling all that you're both feeling.

Little ones are like those huge atennas that listen to sounds from outer space; they pick up on everything. I would think that he'd have to be assured that he's safe and loved during this difficult time for all of you.

Try be go easy with each other, being aware that emotions are just beneath the surface.

We weren't as far along as you were but we were expecting for several months with our second.

It did take several weeks, maybe a month, before we got pregnant again.........

...and now she's 26 and heading home, as we speak, for a short visit.

Yours will too.

Blessings to you and your family as you pull through this pain in your life. Just remember, we're here and are standing by when you need us.

David
 
This was posted by wifey 1

Princess ~
I read your post about losing your baby and your guilt.
Please if you can release yourself from this guilt -- I went thru a similar experience after my 2 nd baby was born. There are only 15 months between my 1st & 2nd pregnancy's and found out I was pregnant again at just 1 month post birth of our 2nd. ... our Pregnancys ALL of them were surprise unplanned pregnancys even thru all sorts of birth control -- then I found out I was pg again with # 3 and I was angry! I didnt want another baby so soon or wasnt sure I even wanted another yet.. I was angry at MY partner then for the pregnancy (as if I couldnt say no, and in reality i couldnt say no back then to sex) I went home after the doc visit and threw a holey schmoley fit throwing pillows and yelling someting awful -- 2 weeks later I miscarried
I felt incredible guilt and relief all in one... I had just accepted the 3rd pg when I lost the baby, I was sure GOD was punishing me at the time for being "ungrateful"..
A few yrs later we tried to have a baby and I couldnt anymore... I hit skid row for depression again for a while and did the whole blame game on myself and then said... I was blessed to have My GRILS as I call them..
I just wanted to say in this long winded way, I feel for you. Sadness and understand your pain in some small way... But remember this was NOT your FAULT sometimes things "Just Are"...
I hope you dont mind but I am saying a Prayer for your Grief during this time...
Peace to you from a sister in healing
Sammy
 
Princess,

I feel for you and your partner.

My first wife, Ann, and I had two miscarriages. The second one in the third trimester. I carried the fetus to the hospital in my hands.

This was hard on both of us. This tore at my insides and I never discussed it for seven years. She would talk about it, reasoning it, saying it was good that we lost that child because I didn't make enough money to provide for a child. This hurt, but I knew she was in pain about it, and this was her way of dealing with it, at my expense. A few months after the miscarriage, she was accepted into vetrinary school. Since she was no longer pregnant, she was able to accept. Maybe a higher power had something else in store for us?

All I can say for you, besides I feel your pain, is that be easy on yourself and your partner. There are many reasons for the loss, that doesn't make it any easier. Please respect your feelings, don't bottle them up in yourself, and don't release them at the expense of your partner. Transfering the pain from one to the other. If you need to, find someone else you can discuss your feelings (such as you did as you posted with us).

Take care, of yourself, of your partner, and your son. You are all in my prayers,

Bill
 
thanks all of youz, this is just complete madness on the surface of things here, but i'm just trying to make sensse of all our feelings at once

after posting we spent another 24 hours at the hospital, bleeding, holding, trying not to listen to the screams coming from the opposite end of the universe, they deal with misscarriages in the labour ward you see. she could bleed but i could only hold her, all the questions and help were for her, this is kind of what i expected though, it just makes me feel like i'm not meant to have any questions or need help. the midwife has offered her councelling, i doubt it will be for me too.

somehow i managed to get on well with my younger sister who looked after our son during this, it was just such a relief to spend time with her without any past issues coming up and doing silly things like scanning her foot into the computer, though someow i still felt like a smile was some kind of betrayal to the child lost.

thankyou again for telling me about your children, i'm not one to compare stories but i feel for all of you too and i'm glad for what you've gained. i'm still not sure whether being able to concieve again so soon would be good or worse, my partner seems quite keen despite it all, i told you she was driven!

yes our son is very understanding, even though we havn't spoken to him directly about it he's been very caring and sensitive apart from a few overtired tantrums and episodes of having to play a specific game right away just so he knows we're still the same people.

i've got to go now, i'm in grave danger of writing complete gibberish :rolleyes:
 
Princess, It's okay to hurt. I have lost 2 unborn children ~ one in 1987, and one in 1995. It's been years, but I still cry.

Take care of yourself and hug your family. Shared grief is easier to bear.

Edwin.
 
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