any one feel parnoia and jealousy of other men

[dbr1955]

Let me tell you it is hard sometimes to not want to look at a good lookin hunk and let him do what he want he wants to me. The confusion is almost to hard to handle sometimes. also anyone feel paranoia when it comes to going out in public, want just move away where know one knows you and start over again. Im 45 yrs old but feel really young and wish sometimes i was on of those sexy hunks on the beach .

thanks for understanding

dbr

 

I certainly do understand. . A LOT. I hated my sexuality at times - i feel so inferior. . particularly on the beach. What I'm coming to understand - its not just about sex but about about how I feel as a man. As you probably can read from my previous posts its a tough mix. . . when you don't fit into the stereotype. . . I want men interested in me --- somehow it makes me feel more of a man. . . For me, yes, I'm bisexual - but thats not the entire story. Its a pain in the ass and i think I understand. I'm with you.

D.

 

[getteddie]

Hey dbr1955,
I bet that most, maybe all sexually abused men feel that way...I know that I'm going nuts...it is a pain in the ass!!! In an hour I will at a new shrinks office to see if he has any new drugs to aid in the relief of this kind of crap. It may be a good idea to get lots of shrinks so we can try drifferent cures. My shrink is stuck on wellbuten? Whatever, I'm getting another shrink today...sounds like a prosack man....I will try anything but if it makes me numb, I don't want it. Like that old song...NEED A NEW DRUG !!! Need lots of them, one's to feel safe, one's to be happy, more to stop some of the strong sexual mind fucks....one's to go up and one's to come down and sleep...Whatever, good answers my be found in good drugs!....and it may not! They got some pretty heavy stuff out there now...I've tried some...didn't like it ...but being nuts already...what the hell ?????????...Try some more!

Eddie

 

[bosishere]

hello guys, I definitely agree with dbr1955 that we have at one time or another felt that we as abused males were less than mr. next door neighbor that everybody wants to be. I am now 57 and really don't give a shit waht people think. However, back in Boston, then Miami, then Louisville, I very much liked to look at those good looking hunks, that I was or am not but I would still like to look at and wish. However, I think that most of abused males are pissed at themselves for not being mr. good guy. as for the grugs that getteddie mentions, I also agree with him that those drugs really do fuck you up while trying to "help" you. I finally come up with the saying in 1991 that "I am what I am, please understand me." If the general public didn't like that, then fuck them, that is their problem. bosishere

 

Hey guys,
I can definately relate I know exactly what your talking about, I know I never really feel completely adequate no matter how many times my wife or anybody else tells me I am.
Sometimes when I see good looking masculine guys that seems to have everything I think I dont. There is some kind of attraction there.

I have read and have come to believe that it is a normal healthy need for male friendships and affirmation, The theory goes,that as males we where supposed to get that affirmation or love from our fathers(preferably) or another healthy male role model.

I know I sure as hell did't!! (my son of a bitch stepfather used me as his own private sex toy) sorry!!
Anyway instead we where sexually or emotionally abused in some way. So It causes the feeling or attraction toward men to be sexualized.
I think this theory may be true, because I have seen something very interesting in the last few years as I have been working through my recovery, I have made two pretty good friends, one is a cop and one is a teacher, they are both very good looking and very masculine one of them even knows about my sexual abuse and is very supportive.

The interesting thing is I am not sexually attracted to them in any way. I am aware of their looks and all, but I see them more as my brothers instead of sexually. I believe it is because they are no longer just an object (or a piece of meat you might say)
They are real people with real problems just like the rest of us. We have a healthy personal relationship, do things together like work out or jog, have dinner,with our wifes, and I feel very close to them.
That is the difference from lusting after some hot hunk, you just see as a peice of meat in the street or at the beach.
So for myself I don't buy the idea that I am gay and refuse to put that label on it.
I believe that when I do have unwanted sexual thoughts toward men. I now recognise that it is because of the sexual abuse and I dont have to give into those harmfull thoughts. Sometimes its not so easy but, I know it isn't impossible to control my thought or feelings now, not only in the sexual arena but in other areas aswell, like food, or anger or selfishness. Always and only with the help of God.

Sorry so long but I had to get that off my chest.
Peace and Friendship
Dan

 

I too agree. I often will sit in the park or at the library or the mall and just ponder why them and not me. Why didn't I grow up with a slim, athletic body that moves with grace and freedom. With the frivolity of dating,necking and petting and more. I am 46 and still yearn to know what it is like to have goofy fun times with an energetic and strong body that can play sports, do all sorts or guy things that require stamina and strength. Have the girls think that i am sexy and want more than anything to get in my pants. And yet i wrestle still to this day with a self-image that sees me as old, dumpy and totally undesirable except for the Mr.Right of my homo-erotic fantasies. And then anger takes over when i think that i for a season was some bastard's sextoy. I was only desirable for the pleasure that i could bring to him, my well-being was not in his in his interest. And now i think and feel that i am in no ones interest. My constant fear is that as I age, I will die a lonely, bitter old man.

 

[abcd]

Hmmm...being a member of the "younger" crowd, I don't know if I'm entitled to respond to this, but I thought it was somewhat humorous I know this is something that is serious perhaps, but c'mon seriously...speaking as a guy who knows and is friends with some of those "sexy young looking hunks" there's not much to envy really. I agree with Danman, they're just people too. Some of that envy we have is I think just the mystique of it all--of I think not knowing them and idealizing them to our fancy (male or female). Trust me, knowing these guys--I don't think you'd really want to envy them--let alone be like them with their sometimes shallow personalities and completely "ass****"-type behavior. For instance, they may treat women like we have been treated by our abusers. Not to knock them or stereotype them, because I do have a couple of friends who I'm sure many would consider as those hunks on the beach and actually are truly "good-natured", but I do think that you really should be more proud of yourself than envying them.

You are who you are in personality and physically. Now, let me say that if exercise is what you envy and if you are too unfit to the point of being physically unhealthy, then maybe envying the fitness is a good motivator for you to exercise. A healthy body is a good thing, but if it's just the looks (which I think is more of what you're talking about here)---I don't know. Reading these posts these past few months have for me really been great and inspiring. There are so many people here who have children and a wife who is working with the problems of their past. Some may have broken families, but are finally on a path to healing themselves. Some others here are seeking counselors and have been honest with themselves and others around them. All of the posters here (at least ones I have read) have really encountered much difficulties and have survived. I have read some of your notes just now about your past and your pain. All these people, including you, have for me been people to envy. When I get to be your age, I hope that I could have at least some of your perseverance and determination.

I do not mean for this message to sound so cheesy, but seriously...everytime you think you would rather be one of those other people, just know that there is at least one young person who thinks that, to a certain degree, they would rather be the person you are NOW

[ 07-29-2001: Message edited by: abcd ]

 

WOW...this post and the rpesonses really blow me away. I identify very strongly, DBR1955, with your feelings. I, too,. find myslef looking at young hadnsome guys, often with young wives or girl-friends, having fun together...and I feel sad because I never had that. When I was younger, I actaully was pretty fit and goodlooking...but onoly after iU lost 80 lbs during my frwehsman and sophmore years in college. Then, I stayed that way and pretty much remain that way now.

Even so, looking better on the outside made litle difference in how islated and different and lonley and scared and ashamed, etc.... i felt. I envied those other guys who seemd to feel so comfortable with themselves and and with others.

However, I have learned that appearances really mean very little. seeing someone for a snapshot of a moment really says nothing about who they are and what they are like and what their lives are like. for example, my ex-wife and I appeared to be fine toegther most of the time, but we were actuially very sad, bitter, hurt, etc. WE just were good at hiding it and keeping it to ourselves.

I still struggle with that envy at times, and it really is uncomfortable and depressing.

As the others, I feel for you, too.

ABCD: Thanks for your comments!!! It is really helpful to know that you, as a young guy, actually do see the value of middle aged and older men, whether abuse survivors or not. It feels good to know that you respect us and admire us. It felt really healing for me when I read your message...thanks again!

LanceC