ANY BODY ELSE FEELING LIKE

ANY BODY ELSE FEELING LIKE
S

sojourner

New Registrant
I'm feeling like I want my childhood back! As I watch my own children grow I realize just how much was lost. I don't want to wallow in the past but I' angry and sad that some of the decisions I've made are a direct result or reaction to the sexual abuse and neglect I experienced as a a boy.
Right now I'm in a horrible position. After 17 years of marriage I'm realizing just how unhappy I've been (I'm 39). My wife is a good and decent person. She was the first girl I dated and I married her. I needed the relationship more than the individual affection. I played the role of the white knight and rescuer well but now the act is destroying me. Now I don't know what to do. She knows I'm not happy in the relationship but has no interest in letting me go. If I want to leave I'll have to do it, attempts to get her to kick me out have failed (I had an affair with a co- worker that I confessed to) I have three small children and I'm heartbroken to think what this would do to them.
 
sojourner,

One of the first things I have learned is that we all cry and moron for our lost childhood. We all wanted to have that loving and fun time of our lives and it was taken away from us. There is no way to relive the past so we must all look towards the future.

If you truly do not want to spend the rest of your life with your wife is it fair that you suffer in the relationship? Your children in time can understand why you choice to leave their mom. You need to take care of your self also man. Your children need a healthy and happy father in their lives.

lots of love, Nathan
 
Yes, I want my childhood back big time. So too many of the years in between, including some romantic choices I made along the way. I hurt a lot about all of that.

You say your wife is a good and decent person. I get the feeling the problem is that you don't love her anymore--just reading between the lines since you want out.

Before you go for good, I would ask you to look hard and see if you can salvage anything between you two. You have been through immense changes, and they probably altered your point of view about everything, including her.

If she has a chance and a little time to absorb it, she might turn out to be the best friend you ever had, as well as a lover with history together. That doesn't grow on trees. I'm talking about some kind of therapy for her, or couples therapy with her.

]You don't want to be 5 years down the road, bridge burned, and realize you wish you'd tried that. If you ever loved her, you might find it is buried under other debris. I speak from my own experience.

But if you leave, I wish you the best on your continuing journey to heal and find love in your life. But that question, "What could have been?" It can burn like a brand.

Regards,

Tribear
 
I never got a childhood as I was always expected to be an adult long before I was one. This pretty much started from day one for me. I get angry when I see our society trying to push little kids into all of the things society wants. Let kids be kids and let them have fun for it only happens once in each life time.

But one thing I've started to do in order to get my childhood back is to play with the little boy that is inside of me. We do fun things together and sometimes just get crazy and wild. I've got my stuffed animals and in fact two ride in my blazer with me at all times. If you don't think people turn a strange eye when they see that either.... LOL! Sometimes it is just doing the things that are anti adult but as long as I don't get in to trouble...

It is tough though and regardless of what I do, I still mourn for the little boy that had to grow up long before he was ready.

Don
 
Sojourner - Yes, most of us grieve for our lost childhood and want to get it back!! I know I do as well. Mine come in waves of awareness as I journey to wellness. Don, I have a nice, fluffy rabbit that is always comfortably seated in my car...he goes everywhere with me!!

Your struggle with married issues and changing of who you are now delve deeper and are more complex. I am not the same man who married my wife 33 years ago. As a matter of fact, we are actually diametrically opposites now; however, we have found a middle ground and communication that keep the doors open and flourishing in our marriage. You may want or need more than our marriage supplies. As I said, this issue is complex, individualized, closely personal and dictated by what you need and are ready to give.

BTW, other friends with the 'child within' needs, find ways to play 'catch-up' games... cards, playdough, coloring, "Chuck E Cheese" parties, etc. It may sound silly but it works and is effective.

Hope this helps!!
Howard
 
I like Dr. Phils views on marriage and divorce, you have to earn your way out of a marriage. Only after both of you have exhausted all options should you divorce, in my opinion.

Recovery is an emotionally confusing time, full of new feelings, new hopes and dreams you have never felt before. Along they way, I have wondered if my wife and I are right for each other. We seem to be complete opposites, and I must admit I have wondered if I was with her for love or because of my abuse. I dont think I even knew what love was for a long time there.

I want to warn you, as someone else said earlier. You dont want to get years down the road, and realize you did love her. the deeper I go into healing, the closer my wife and I grow. As I have shared my abuse, and we have learned to open up, our life gets better. I am finally understanding what love is, and can say I made a good choice.

No couple that has been together for a long while has the giddy, fresh type of love. Things calm down and settle into a comforting, close type of relationship. It is important not to confuse a warm comforting, long-term feeling for falling out of love. I would at least try couples therapy, and make sure that leaving is the right thing to do. Your kids, your wife, and you are worth being sure before acting.
 
sojourner,

I also feel like I was robbed of my childhood. Many times when I see little kids playing I am filled with a mix of anger and sadness at what was taken from me. Unfortunately I have no advice to give on how to overcome this. The advice the other guys here give is fairly common though.

As for your situation with your wife I can only offer the following: talk with her. She needs to understand what you are feeling and why. Maybe you can work things out, maybe not. Either way it is best that she understand why you wish to leave the marriage (if that is indeed what you want) rather than be left wondering what she did wrong that caused the marriage to fail. It should be noted that my expereince in relationships is minimal at best, so you may want to take this advice with a grain of salt.

Best of luck sojourner

Eric
 
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