Anxious

Anxious
J

Jaysen

Registrant
It's Friday and I feel anxious, as always. It's crazy, I feel just like I did back on March 22, 2002. Feel like I'll be going to that party later and getting into that guys car. It's hard to explain, I keep getting stuck there, like that's where my life ended, like I shouldn't have ever gotten out of there. Like my soul is still there... sounds dramatic I know but I don't know how else to explain it. Everytime I try to move forward all I can hear are their voices telling me I would die there. The Friday flashbacks just kill me, too much detail all at once.
So usually it's my excuse to get out of work and head straight to the bar, drink myself stupid and pass out somewhere. But I don't want to do that tonight, I want to try and deal with this.
sober.
Any suggestions? would be appreciated.
Thanks,
Jay
 
Jay, I read your story and I believe you when you talk about the flashbacks and voices etc.

I believe in dis-empowering those horrible thoughts and memories by talking about it. By exposing what was done, how you reacted at that time, what was said, what was threatened, all that shit, you are more equipped to focus on it from a more objective percepective.

There is something about talking about the experience itself that enabled me to see it as something that I could not blame myself for, which was crippling me. It also helped my T and my friends here at MS to ask me more appropriate questions that I needed to address.

Hey, instead of getting shitty at the bar, how about hanging out in the chat room, and talk about what's on your mind? Hanging out in the chat room is much like going to the bar, you often meet the same people, discuss common points of interest, and better yet, you can help eachother find answers as to why and how to make your life better as a survivor. (kinda hard to open up with this shit at a bar huh?).

And if it's any help at all, might I say that you sure seem like a Hell of a nice guy and that whatever it takes for you to recover from this, it will have been well worth it, I see great potential in you!
 
Jay,

I think we are all tempted at some time or another to suffocate our feelings in alcohol, drugs, porn or whatever. In order to break out of that cycle you need support.

As Hauser suggests, why not talk about things when you are feeling tempted to drink? Once you get past a few such experiences successfully it will be easier to continue.

But the sad truth is that the other side of the coin is also true. The longer you allow alcohol to help you, the more difficult it will eventually become to do without it, and the more you will need to get the same effect.

Much love,
Larry
 
Jay ---

I'm still struggling with my own denial and I am no stranger to drinking it all away, but you've got to find a place in yourself where you can see that doing that would be hiding and punishing yourself for things that are not your own fault. Sometimes you've probably got to do that, but try (just try) not to, for yourself and see what happens. Much love. Please be strong.
 
Thanks for the suggestions.
Talking does seem to help a lot. But it's so damn overwhelming. Everything that happened in those days just seem to blur together and it's hard to talk about anything specific. I've tried to just sit down and write it out from the moment I left w/him to the moment I woke up in the hospital. I get to the first night there and lose it, it's like I hit a brick wall, I can't go any further and I can't go back so all I do is stay where I am and drown it out.
But I'll keep trying...
Thanks,
Jay
 
Jaysen

It is overwhelming at the begining but please believe me when I say that the more you speak out about your experiencies the less traumatic it will become, yeah it is like hitting a brick wall where there is no escape in front or behind, so sit down and take it easy for a while there is no rush to get wherever you wish to be. when I first started to disclose all I could do was ramble but as time past things began to settle down and eventually I could be very lucid about my past, dont try and force it, your memory will eventually come back and you will be in a much better place to deal with it, at the moment it is very scary but this too shall pass. Hang in there your doing fine.

Kirk
"Lets grab this bull by the horns and swing it about a bit"
 
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