anxiety

[newground]

hey guys,
I was in that place again the other day. anxiety attack and it didn't end really well once I could I decided to write down what it is like to TRY to find a way to get ahead of it. I wasn't sure where to post since it is deff not poetry but I would love to know if it resonates with you all.

It is amazing really this most terrible of reactions that draws me to do something, ANYTHING, that would let the pressure pass. Pressure seems a good word for the presence. It is pressure. It is as though somehow I have become a pressure cooker set on a high flame though it begins slowly and almost imperceptibly. I think, Just feeling a little off today, I hope it is not going to be one of THOSE days. Or Perhaps this will pass but it does not.

Soon you notice your chest. A dull ache not painful but noticeable, next you notice your heart beat. Perhaps you sit to rest and find your heart beat rocking you in your chair. Maybe the breathing draws your attention. By this time there is concern, the feeling has you and it is too late to stop it. Something is wrong it seems but where is it? WHAT is it? I look to see but there is nothing, like scanning the mist on a dark night. There are images but they dont mean anything. What is wrong? Am I losing my mind? That seems the case, thinking becomes so difficult.

It is then that I begin to fight the feeling just calm down CALM DOWN DAMN IT! but the more I say it, the more I try to force calm, the worse the feeling becomes. Its like boxing a shadow only. This shadow hits back.

By now it is so hard to reason, now is not the time! It is time for action not reason. I must find a way out! Everything is imperative everything in me calls for flight, but run to where? It calls for fight but there is NO enemy. And so the thoughts that are trapped in my mind begin to echo as in a great box canyon. They build upon each other until my mind is nothing but noise, NOISE! The pain is physical now; my head hurts as I try to think. The attempt to continue doing whatever activity is like walking in deep mud. It takes all my strength to move. Everything is threat, everything is distraction. My head becomes so full the frustration is maddening And there seems to be no solution.

 

[Nothing Man]

Hi newground. If it helps at all to know this, I have been there too. The panic attacks can be crippling and destructive and frightening, not only to the sufferer but to those around him or her as well.

They do pass, but it is hell when we go through them. I have found that the meds my shrink has me on has reduced both their frequency and intensity.

 

[Shyshark]

That sounds like the little voice that lives in me. How I'd like to kick the shit out of that little bastard sometimes.
He demands too much!
FIGHT!!! ... with what?
FLEE!!! ... where the hell is there to go?
STOP IT!!! ... exactly how do I do that you miserable little shit!
DISTRACT YOURSELF !!! ... I might be able to do that if you'd just shut the eff up!
Growing desperation is the only word I can think of to describe this feeling.
Trapped ... that goes without saying.
Nothing Man is right. It does pass and when it has you're drenched in dark emotion.
Recovery?
It's different every time ... so you can't even rely on knowing what to expect.
The only certainty is that it will not last.
The only comfort is that the old you ... such as he is ... will return.
For me ... flawed as I am ... I welcome myself back.

((( new )))

 

[Bluedogone]

Hey newground,

The pressure cooker of the present was set on high long ago by our abusers. The best we can do or hope for in it's wake is to relieve some of that pressure. It will never go away. It often builds and builds to such a level that it seems almost impossible to control. And sometime, it really is impossible.

I can truthfully say, many times I feel exactly the way you do. And there are plenty of us who can say "Me Too"
So naturally we ask if all this mutual sharing makes the pressure go away. No, the pressure will definitely stay.
It always works better if we can find a way to deal
What works best, might we possibly have a certain skill.
With those coping tools, and with the knowledge we're not alone
we have to slosh on through the mud of our emotions.
Knowing full well it will never be gone, but also knowing
it does lessen from time to time.

The abuser lit the flame and has long since gone, maybe dead
So we're left to try to keep the pressure from building.
And to do this it's just me and this vast brotherhood of survivors. But wait, that should be enough after all to get the job done.

 

[newground]

thanks guys your caring input is really very helpful

 

[zip14]

newground, I have just learned about my own anxiety and you described it perfectly - Soon you notice your chest. A dull ache not painful but noticeable, next you notice your heart beat. Perhaps you sit to rest and find your heart beat rocking you in your chair. Maybe the breathing draws your attention. By this time there is concern, the feeling has you and it is too late to stop it. Something is wrong it seems but where is it? WHAT is it? I look to see but there is nothing, like scanning the mist on a dark night. There are images but they dont mean anything. What is wrong? Am I losing my mind? That seems the case, thinking becomes so difficult.

In the meantime, those chest pains have forced me in for a stress test and have a follow up with my Doctor on Monday next. It is strange how a potential heart health diagnosis would almost come as a relief vs feeling like I am going crazy sometimes.

I cld have a blocked artery but realistically I believe that pain is just a 12 year old trying to break out of my body to avoid a pending showdown in July vs Perp.

I am sorry you feel as you do but take some comfort in knowing we are all swimming against the same current some days.

 

[txb]

Anxiety is the worst, especially when it seems to come out of nowhere and you don't even know what you're anxious about. For me it doesn't seem to do anything to my chest, although I hear that's a pretty common thing. My heart does beat really fast though, but mainly I get this feeling of things being unreal. It makes me feel like maybe I'm in a dream or something. That makes me feel like I'm not in complete control of my body, which makes the whole thing even worse, because then I get scared about losing control. So then I get more anxious about that. It's really quite easy to see how things escalate and how anxiety controls you when you write it down on paper, but it's a completely different thing trying deal with it in real life. I learned a lot of stuff to try and deal with it, but I never seem to remember any of it when I need it. I'd be happy to just feel less anxious about normal stuff, like going out, or talking to people and stuff.