Anxiety over Social Events...I need help

Anxiety over Social Events...I need help
R

Redsongbird

Registrant
I am having such a terrible time. I feel safe when I am alone. I would think I would feel "safety in numbers" as the saying goes. Today my wife and her parents are on their way to see her brother and have dinner and attend church. We were going to have a simple dinner the four of us after attending church this morning. When it became a four hour drive and dinner with probably 15-20 people I said I did not want to go. I am feeling remorse about it now. I know it hurt my wife that I did not go. It is not just this situation I have problems at work also. I am a teacher and I do not enjoy social events there either.....staff meetings sometimes make me very nervous....even though I am on top of everything workwise and just this week got a great evaluation. Fieldtrips - PTA meetings all do the same things to me. TRIGGER: I was sexually assualted almost four years ago and since then stalked. Since then it is very difficult to feel relax in social situations. I feel like such a wimp....here I am 43 (almost 44) and social events make me weak in the knees. Today in just a few moments I am still going to our local church and then most likely taking my 78 year old mother out to dinner because she would be alone.....still I think thats a SOCIAL event there will STILL be people around?! I need help with this. This anxiety of being social is taking its toll on my marriage, my work and family relationship. Is there meds for this? Does anyone have any suggestions? Anyone get over such a thing?

Thanks for reading......
Tobey
 
Oh Red, do I know how you feel.

My wife is a Development Director and every now and then she needs to attend black tie galas guess who gets to be her escort? So when she is there, she is a representative of her organization so we have to be in socialize mode the whole time, from cocktails through dinner.

Not only do I have to mingle with these people, I have to sit down to dinner with ten other strangers and Im expected to be all smiles and make small talk. Part of my job would be to help other people fell comfortable (HA!). You know like, if someone else at the table feels out of place and you can tell they are sort of reluctant to get in the conversation, I was sort of expected to engage them, break the ice.

So what do you do? Oh really? I bet that keeps you busy

I didnt like it. A lot of these people were big wigs so I felt out of place, it never felt like my tuxedo fit right, I dont know or like to dance, and to top it off Im a recovered alcoholic that would drink mostly when I got into uncomfortable social situations!

Slowly as I recovered from my abuse I became more and more confident with myself and who I was. I learned that I was not damaged goods and that I was not worthless. I also learned that I was not the only one uncomfortable in those situations, that a lot of people were and somehow that helped.

Later on, I learned to embrace the uncomfortable times as an exercise and sort of enjoyed pushing my comfort level because I knew each time I did I became a little stronger. Now I can do it without a problem, even though there are times when I would rather just stay home.

I think I at least knew I was making headway when I noticed I no longer had to sit with my back against the wall and face the door. What you feel is completely normal as well is our partners frustration unfortunately.

You can beat this, but it takes hard work and practice, have you discussed your feelings with a therapist?

Good Luck,
 
Tobey,

I can relate so much to what you wrote. When I was 16, I was stalked by a guy. Its long story, but it made me super paranoid. I can never go anywhere alone. I take my wife with me every where. It drives her crazy. If the gas station is really crowded, I will not stop for gas or even buy cigs. I do not attend many meetings at work, I send my assistant instead. I finally told my wife why this is, I had to my mother likes to joke about it, and my wife did not know who the Purple Gremlin Man was. He is the guy that stalked me. He drove that kind of car. I never go into any store alone. I dont even go to the doctor alone. I am 42 years old, so dont feel so bad. I find it hard to change, to scary. I break out in sweat every time I have to go somewhere. My doctor has prescribed Effexor. It is an anti depressant and anti anxiety. I have always been afraid of taking those kind of drugs. But I gave in. Between my doctor and my therapist, they talked me into it. So, I hope it will help. I know how life is, being like this. It is not easy. It is hard to over come a fear like this. I wish I could give you an answer, a solution, but I cannot. Maybe some of the other guys will have better words of wisdom for you.

Take care Tobey,

Mark
 
Thank-you Roland and Mark for your replies here. It is nice to know that I (once again) am not the only going through this. I did go the church this morning and took my mother out for Easter lunch and for sure we ran into people we knew and visited for a few mins. Now I am totally exausted mentally I am probably going to go to bed and sleep it off I hope. Now I just have to figure out a way to make it up to my wife. All I know is I can not keep doing this. I was on Effor once time back about two years ago and it made me non functioning ..sexually...that of course was difficult on the marriage so I quit taking it. I wonder if there are any other options than that med. I am not in therapy but I know i need to fo I have been putting it off.

Tobey
 
Tobey,

hey, I can relate to this, the not wanting to relate to company that you do not know, the only way of expressing yourself, is by really wanting to tell everyone your secret, but dare not.

We all have that secrecy boundary, which stops us sharing who we really are, but the strange thing is, that people probably want to know so much more about you.

At work, I am known as secretive about my life, it was conditioned into me from the age of 10 when the abuse happened, so it is a long way down the road, 41 years to be right.

People always invite me to parties, but I always feel like, when is it gonna finish?
We learn to not trust, and not be the open ones in conversation, the ones with the hidden thoughts, the thoughts that you do not want anybody to share.

I dont give a s**t in this place, because I can speak here with ease, to others who realise what we go through.

I have had to face some challenges in life, but I always got through, sometimes I feel so weak, but hey, I got there, through all of the pain.

I hate drugs, but I am on Paxil, which is like riding a horse sometimes, but it is calming, and may be better than nothing, I should not need to be on drugs, I should not need to want to be alone.

I have always had to have my own space even after so many years, because abuse caused me so many problems throughout my life.

You will get there, be strong my friend, we can be strong, even through weakness, we always did, this place shows me just how strong we can be, and it gave me a lot of answers that I waited so many years to hear, but I found them, and will work on recovery.

take care,

ste
 
Thanks for sharing your anxieties about social situations.

Again, I'm new here and am constantly amazed at how insightful reading you men's comments are. For so long now I've thought I was just "weird" (I may be ... ha) ... but I can totally relate to what you're saying. I have never liked social situations either. Because of my job, I need to be social and outgoing (and have learned to cope) but it absolutely exhausts me. When a teen, I avoided all social occasions. I was invited to parties, etc., but didn't go. Sometimes, there were church youth group activities that my parents forced me to go to, but I was always uncomfortable. As an adult, it got better, but I still avoid these situations if possible.

This appears to be a common denominator for men with SA in backgrounds. Why is this? Is it because (as someone wrote) we have held in secrets so long that we fear exposure? Very curious.
 
Tobey,

I'm a teacher, too,and when I read your post, all I could think was that staff meetings really are scary.

My advice is to not give up on the meds. They can make a tremendous difference. I have this strange phone thing...I hate 'em. Once I'm talking, I'm just fine, but the time between the ringing and the answering always causes unfounded anxiety. I've never understood why. If anyone else in my family is around, they understand that I'm not going to answer it if they can get to it. There seems to be no reason for it, but there it is. Also, I'm bi-polar and never have a manic moment unless I'm in a crowd of some kind. Then, I go right over the top. My t has me doing the "Dont' speak unless spoken to." thing, because I always say things that I regret later. She also is going to have something prescribed for me for when I know I'll be going into that type of situation....something that will keep me from tap dancing on the tables, I guess.

Don't underestimate the power of meds, but be sure to go to someone who really understands them...like a specialist in this type of thing. These drugs are often lumped together in a single category, but are very different in their affects, and you may have to try several before you find one that "fits". They can be helpful, however. My cousin had a very similar problem and meds didn't cure him, but made his life much easier. Bobby
 
I know exactly what you're talking about. I was recently diagnosed as having aspergers disorder. It's a high functioning form of autism. It means that the part of the brain that controls social behavior isn't working right. My therapist said that the best way to get over it would be to force myself out for a little bit each day, and gradually increase the time I spend out every month or so.
 
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