Another Victim/Same Perp

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Another Victim/Same Perp

I just wanted to ask if any of you guys know any of your perps other victims?

Theres this guy I knew when I was a kid (he was a kid then too) who as it turned out my perp began abusing after he stopped abusing me (When I tried to commit suicide).

Now I have tried to help this guy, we only made contact again after I went to court. We have only met briefly after my dad was sent to prison.

Thing is, he has become a bit of a "leech" for want of a better word, clinging to me and sending all sorts of emails which are utter B.S.

Lies about him, his family and so on. The lies are laughably bad, I should know I used to be a professional. Ive told him to stop lying, he wont.

What Im trying to guage is "How you deal with other victims of your perp?"

Considering my perp was my dad and this guy partially holds me responsible, as had I said anything when I was 14 (post suicide attempt) he would never have been abused.

Any advice gratefully recieved. I'm bordering on telling him to F-Off but really dont want to have to do that..... :(
 
JapanZen,

My best friend was abused by the same guy who abused me, and in fact after the age of 13 (he was 12) we were abused together. To get what he wanted from one, all he had to do was threaten harm to the other. There were also other boys who were abused, but I don't know for sure who, though I have a pretty good idea (we were all in the same Scout troop).

My friend and I are still in contact, and how the abuse history we share came up again between us is a complicated story. I'll just say that he claims he has been through therapy and has "gotten over it". I rather doubt that, but I have to accept that this is how he feels. For whatever reasons, he just doesn't want to explore all that crap in depth again.

What concerns me bro, is this part of your post:

Considering my perp was my dad and this guy partially holds me responsible, as had I said anything when I was 14 (post suicide attempt) he would never have been abused.
Click to expand...
I used to feel very guilty about never disclosing after the abuse ended, but now I can see one very clear reality. It wasn't up to me (I was 14 as well) to save my friend. I just didn't have the emotional resources. I was a devastated kid who had just barely avoided suicide attempts myself. Blame for my friend's abuse lies squarely and only with one person: the perp.

On handling your difficult friend, maybe it would be best to avoid going so far as to tell him to fuck off. If it were me I would just insist to him that if he is going to contact me I will continue to keep it real. He should realize that I am going that for my own good, but also for his. He will get the idea that if that's not what he wants, he can simply drop contacts with you.

Just some thoughts.

Much love,
Larry
 
JapanZen,

on of my 'perps' was my sport coach, at the training center I gone to when I was child. One of my best friends now, who I knew then because he also trained there, was also abused by this person. Neither of us known it then, but really, I think probably we did? Just, never we talked of it. He is some years older of me, and leave there when I was 13, I stayed there at same place until almost I was 18.

I will be honest of it, once he and me, we start talking more on this, and sharing of things with the other, there is been times when I have felt inside maybe I am angry with him, that if he say something of it then, it would not still happen to me for so much more years. But that is just stupid thing. It is easy to say now, well, you should said something then. But maybe someone I meet in five years, they will think same on me? I am sure that neither of us was first one abused by this man, and I am sorry and sad to think probable, we were not last.

But, if person you deal with now, they are lying so much of things, then they are not facing what they need to face to heal of this. Maybe they have same feelings of guilt and shame so much us, we have, but to not deal with those feelings, he use you as someone to blame for his hurts? I do not know. I think, at some time, all survivors would like someone to blame. Sometime it is hard to put it where it belong, so that why we feel it on ourselfs, or maybe for him, to you.

But it is like me with my friend. If you could have reported it then, you would have. You did best you could to survive, and that did not include reporting it. You can not go back now and think different on that, because you are different person now, and are not in situation no more. Same with my friend, he was raised with much abuse in his home, and then more there, he just was brainwash with it. There was not chance he could have report it, I think.

Perhaps you can tell this person that only you can help him if he is honest, and want to recover of this. It seem that some people do not want to. Either they not ready of it, or they are so long thinking they are victim, it is like they are identify with it so much, they fear to lose it. If he is not ready, you can not make him be ready. Ready or not, he is not your responsibility. Part of changing from victim to survivor is accept responsibility for ourself. I hope you will have good luck.

Andrei
 
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