another vacation of denial

[Kid A]

I haven't been to this site in a while, and I'd like to say its because I made some great progress in my recovery and was miraculously better, but that's not the situation. It was more like I went back into the denial that I started at before this process of recovery began. Old habbits, responses, cigarrettes, beer, overeating- welcome back. Walks, calm, sponteniety, freedom, reconnection to the past, self-love, empathy-diminished greatly. Its hard to accept that there is no end to any of this, but that its a long process. I don't think I'm back to where I started because I do KNOW that I am safe even if it doesn't always feel like that. I just wish my memory and life were not so hazy and that I could connect the dots a little better. I looked in the mirror this morning and don't see a boy that has grown up into a man, I see something strange despite my masks that disguise me. Anyway, I hope you all have been ok, though I know thats never permantely the case around here or anywhere for that matter. I really need to get a home computer so I can participate more regularly in this group which has been of great help.

 

[roadrunner]

Kid A,

Welcome back. I hope you will try not to feel like you have lost a lot of ground from this experience. Sometimes we just need a break, and sometimes progress involves realizing that things are a lot more complicated than we thought.

It's interesting that you say you KNOW you are safe, and that's a big step. Later on you will learn to BELIEVE such things, and then you will learn to TRUST them. That will help you in dealing with fragmentary memories and with experiences like you are having with the mirror.

Much love,
Larry