Another SSA post

As often happens, I was hit with the simple clarity of my dilemma, for lack of a better word.

I was young, I was scared, I was unable to get away, I was always isolated during the abuse incidents, I was told I wanted it and that I liked it.

I understand how wanting to act out or fantasizing about sex with a man can be a way ones mind wants to change the narrative of the past.

While I can fantasize about this, I cannot follow through on it. I become scared, I feel shame about it. Something in me fights against it even though, at the same time, something in me craves it.

Knowing this about myself, I also cannot see myself with a woman because I think, how could a woman want to be with a man who thinks like this?

As a result, I have been single and alone for a long time. While I enjoy aspects of being single, I often crave companionship.

Wondering what to do with this information.
Continue to work on your healing Journey. Focus on you, get therapy, deal with your stuff, and worry about relationships later. As you become healed and are able to love yourself more, it will be that much easier to have a relationship with others.


One thing that has helped me a lot has been defining what I actually want. To do that I had to examine the conflicting desires and try to determine which seemed to be just reactions to trauma and which were healthy, life-giving ones. When I was following the desires (at least in my mind) that were reactions to trauma, I would generally feel anxious and compulsive during, and depleted and depressed after. Whereas when I was following the healthy desires, it was a different story. Once I determined what I wanted to pursue, it helped me define a goal, which then helps to define thoughts and actions little by little. Temptation will still come in weak moments, but it is not nearly as strong anymore, the more I work on defining clearly what direction I want to be going in and what I want.
Thanks for the informative replies. My intuition has been telling me to go back to a therapist. I stopped therapy in 2016. Back then everything was so fresh and meaningful as it was the first time I ever dealt with the abuse.
I believe I am wise enough to know it is old tricks of denial and shoving things down or ignoring them that is keeping me from calling my therapist.
I think you are right about returning to therapy. This is something you need to work on with him/her. Good thinking!
Thanks Jaxson, it's been on my mind and I will not silence the intuition.
NC, WoR Hope Springs in '13 was a life saver for me. I was in a very bad place with my wife recently leaving for another and my world crashing down. I KNEW it was time to deal with the monster from my past and like a miracle, I found MS and WoR. It was the first time I told my story (with other safe people even) and was SO freeing to let it out.
I've also been to Alta and I can say weekend retreats are like a cleansing of the soul.


Keep on healing. In time you will come to terms who you are, what you want sexually. After abuse doubts exist, are we gay, are we not gay, are we recreating the abuse, are we fearful a woman would not us because of the abuse (this is because we fear intimacy and fear the abuse made us who we are). Healing and facing the past will help. Men have been with men but once they heal they understand who they are--to be with a woman, or a man. You can only define your sexuality. Abuse confuses and if in life you live further abuse you are confused and run to what you knew--it was a perp who made these decisions difficult. I know for me I found what I need from woman and know what she needs. It has been a struggle, a challenge to understand myself.

Change how you think and the truth will come through.

Thanks Kevin.
For me, I've become asexual over the years. I avoid sex because I am avoiding intimacy. Sounds like a great thing to discuss in therapy.
Thanks Kevin.
For me, I've become asexual over the years. I avoid sex because I am avoiding intimacy. Sounds like a great thing to discuss in therapy.
That's been my case as well. When I was sexual in the past it was typically either in the form of a seduction involving a woman or illicit acting out anonymously with men at video arcades. I stopped the arcades decades ago and after marrying, then divorcing the last woman with whom my seduction skills were in play, I've been celibate. Yes, I released tension through pornography which wasn't the healthiest option but it was the only one I could pursue. It was certainly better than the riskier behaviors I'd pursued in the past. I'm over twenty years older than you are and my libido is not what it once was, so I'm not missing sexual contact. I do, however miss physical intimacy which now comes only in the form of hugs from good friends. I'm grateful for that in the absence of a committed relationship.

I often grieve the losses that are the result of early trauma but I remain committed to healing the past so I can have my present, however that unfolds. Good luck sorting this all out Banjo.