Another sleepless night /lot on mind
Another sleepless night for me thanks to flashbacks recently along with new revelation while in flashback mode that causes me great pain fear and anger toward my abuser.Why couldn't I defend myself against my abuser but just recently was able to wake up to someone standing over me while in the hospital that sent flashbacks hurling at me but was able to tell the person off that happened to be standing over me while I was sleeping and woke up to this person could it be that now I have an inner protective mode that causes me to wake up when ever someone is near me or over me while I am asleep.I clearly remember my abuser entering my room late at night to abuse me and at that time I could not fend for myself I could not fight back I just froze up at times and as well was threatened with my life by my abuser.
I felt so helpless when being abused however now there is a change in me that I never thought I would be able to break.I have never been able to talk about my abuse to anyone in the medical field that has taken care of me why is this maybe I thought I could handle things on my own it turns out that possibly I was wrong as the flashbacks caused greater stress upon my body while healing in the hospital after major surgery and I had to fight with every strength I had to be able to get out of the hospital.
I know that I was not in the same place nor same time as when the abuse was taking place but I felt so powerless while in the hospital as I had no choice but to allow nurses into my room that I had never met before and some of these were male nurses I have nothing against male nurses however it made it that much more tougher to deal with when you have a male nurse that comes close to what the abuser looked like and to have the feeling of helplessness due to having to rely upon these nurses to take care of me really triggered me in more ways then one.
I hate feeling helpless and not in control of my own body more so now then ever before. it really goes back to the abuse,helplessness so reminds me of being abused the feelings that happened while being abused and the direct after math of the abuse as well I have had to trust total strangers in an environment where in essence I have no control or say so over my own body not only due to having surgery but as well as medications.Now that I am home I know I am in control over myself however I feel so helpless when I try to sleep and then wake up due to flashbacks that have been buried for so long that now I have been faced with having no choice but to find a way to get through the flashbacks.The flashbacks bring everything back to light of the rooms in which the abuse took place the smell of my abuser the act it self and the booze being forced down my throat by my abuser.I find myself drinking more and more lately to try and get through and to try to numb the pain along with the flashbacks.I thought I was strong enough to get by on my own and thought that I had dealt with enough of the abuse that I would be okay,I hate having to ask for help to help me understand myself and what my mind is surfacing from the past,I hate dealing with the past why can't I just be able to live in the present without having past memories resurface that create just more turmoil for me.
I felt so helpless when being abused however now there is a change in me that I never thought I would be able to break.I have never been able to talk about my abuse to anyone in the medical field that has taken care of me why is this maybe I thought I could handle things on my own it turns out that possibly I was wrong as the flashbacks caused greater stress upon my body while healing in the hospital after major surgery and I had to fight with every strength I had to be able to get out of the hospital.
I know that I was not in the same place nor same time as when the abuse was taking place but I felt so powerless while in the hospital as I had no choice but to allow nurses into my room that I had never met before and some of these were male nurses I have nothing against male nurses however it made it that much more tougher to deal with when you have a male nurse that comes close to what the abuser looked like and to have the feeling of helplessness due to having to rely upon these nurses to take care of me really triggered me in more ways then one.
I hate feeling helpless and not in control of my own body more so now then ever before. it really goes back to the abuse,helplessness so reminds me of being abused the feelings that happened while being abused and the direct after math of the abuse as well I have had to trust total strangers in an environment where in essence I have no control or say so over my own body not only due to having surgery but as well as medications.Now that I am home I know I am in control over myself however I feel so helpless when I try to sleep and then wake up due to flashbacks that have been buried for so long that now I have been faced with having no choice but to find a way to get through the flashbacks.The flashbacks bring everything back to light of the rooms in which the abuse took place the smell of my abuser the act it self and the booze being forced down my throat by my abuser.I find myself drinking more and more lately to try and get through and to try to numb the pain along with the flashbacks.I thought I was strong enough to get by on my own and thought that I had dealt with enough of the abuse that I would be okay,I hate having to ask for help to help me understand myself and what my mind is surfacing from the past,I hate dealing with the past why can't I just be able to live in the present without having past memories resurface that create just more turmoil for me.