another ramble

[bc22]

The emotional ups and downs just keep on getting more fun. right now, after several pretty good days, I feel numb. I have been enjoying the time with my chldren and excited that I finally have an appointment with a T set. I have worked hard and tried hard to things my wife has asked. All I have asked in return is for her to read a book about survivors and their partners. I gave it to her over 2 weeks ago and she promised she would read it. It hasn't moved from where she put it and no pages are marked. I am not asking for much, just to read a damn book. She sets off triggers, is unavailable emotionally when I hit bottom, and will not read a book to at least help her understand what has been going on with me and us. The uncaring way it comes across just has me numb. She doesn't ask about me, even though I know she knows I am still not sleeping. It is very hard to get positive about yourself when the one person you have shared a life and 3 wonderful children with just doesn't seem to care about me at all. I just don't know!

 

[roadrunner]

bc,

My own experience with such issues is that very often my wife didn't understand what I needed and why certain things were bothering me. I also didn't see how my own moods and quirks were irritating the hell out of her.

The key here I think is honest communication. For example, your wife may not see that her failure to read that book is sending you the message that she doesn't care. Perhaps she just isn't keen on reading, or perhaps not reading on this subject. It may be very distressing for her.

And certainly she needs to know that various things she does you find very triggering, and that you feel she is emotionally unavailable. Sometimes it is just SO difficult to know these things unless the survivor actually tells his partner how things feel to him.

Ultimately it comes down to a task survivors often find difficult - asking for what we need. Male macho feelings tell us that we shouldn't HAVE any needs in the first place, and abuse taught us that our needs don't matter. That's difficult junk to get past, but recognizing that we do have needs and have to ask that they be filled is one of the key steps in our recovery. And for that to happen we have to be willing to communicate: to make our needs and feelings known and to be prepared to hear similar things from those we love.

Much love,
Larry

 

[thwap]

I think you might be surprised how reasonably she responds when you tell her some of these things. At least it has been my experience that everything is far more awful in my own head than it appears to others.