another one lost...

another one lost...
L

lysaabi

Registrant
I'm new to the board. I just signed up, because I just got a call from my mother telling me that my cousin, who was like a brother to me, and had been molested by a priest as a child, shot himself in the temple, in a bedroom in his parents home yesterday.

I don't think he ever got support for the abuse. For as long as I can remember he has had serious drug and alcohol problems. I've been dreading, and yet expecting this news for the last several years.

I sent him the link to this website a few weeks ago. I don't know if he ever checked it out. Part of me is afraid that he did, and it sent him over the edge. He's been living with his parents in Dothan, Alabama, and well, there just ain't shit there, in terms for support for issues of any kind. And he was gay, to boot.

I'm stunned. I'm angry at him for blowing his brains all over his parents house. I'm angry that clergy abuse brought him to this, that he never lived in a place where he could talk about what was done to him. I'm enraged that whoever did this to him got away with it completely. That was in Fort Stockton, Texas, by the way. The Catholic church. Im only specifying that because I believe clergy abuse is prevalent in all forms of religion.

I called my ex-boyfriend, but he said he couldn't talk about it. He is also a survivor. I'm sure he has good reason to tell me that.

I'm holding back on talking about how much this hurts me, because even though this is the family and friends forum, it seems most of the posts are made by survivors, and some of them seem to resent when family and friends share their pain here.

It's not about me, it's about my cousin, who clearly suffered much more than I can imagine. IT'S NOT ABOUT ME!!!

I can't go to the funeral, I have been out of work, and have no money. Can someone please tell me what I can do??? I feel so helpless, and at a loss to know what to do.

Thank you for listening.
Lisa
 
Lisa,
I do not know what to say, except that I am so very sorry and saddened for you and your family's loss.
I, too am feeling pretty helpless now, as I just found out that one of my friends, who is like a sister to me, is not expected to live through tomorrow. It is so very, very hard.

Wishing you peace,
newMom
 
This is such sad news - from both of you. I am soooooo sorry!

But please - I don't think ANYONE here at MS would EVER want you to feel unwelcome or that it is inappropriate somehow to share your honest, humble grief at the tragic loss of a life. THAT is what F&F is here for: to support those who are truly secondary victims of the horror of abuse.

The surliness you may have encountered here is very infrequent, but it was prompted by the behavior of individuals who appeared to be ungenuine and/ or disrespectful. We are fortunate as a community that this does NOT happen very often. I think you will find more compassion & support than you could ever hope for - right here on this site. Again - we are blessed in that there are so many of us here who know exactly what to say to a person in turmoil.

As for specific ideas on how to deal with your grief and your bereavement - I am saddened that the ultimate source of the deathly spiral is of someone involved in organized religion: if you still have any faith left in you, the power of ritual and observance and the marking of a loved one's passing can really be a balm to you in your mourning process. I hope this avenue of healing isn't permanently closed to you as you cope with this tragedy in years to come.

Meanwhile, you will be beset by a confusing mixture of sometime opposite emotions - please don't be too hard or yourself. Grieving is a predictable process although the stages sometimes overlap.

As you work your way through your sadness and rage, please remember that we are here to lean on.
 
I am sorry to hear about your troubles. I would be annoyed and pissed-off if it was cousin. It saddens me to think the people who should have been helping to heal and guide the memembers of their chruch often hurt them and used them.

Grief can be a long difficult process but it is important to address it as it tends to bubble up when not dealt with. That is what makes recovering from SA so difficult. It leaves the individual with a shattered identity that needds to be rebuilt and the person must mourn their lost childhood.

I hope that you take care of yourself and each passing day brings you increased peace. You may be disappointed that you cannot attend your cousin's services but you might want to do something in his honor in your community. Treat yourself well and take care.
 
Lisa

First, as a survivor, I wanted to welcome you. Things you say here can cause some upset amoung the survivors occasionally, but just because they upset up doesn't mean they should be silenced. Lloydy has said many times that we rarely sugar coat things here, and I think that runs both ways.

Malicious or insincere statements don't seem to get people very far around here, but from what you have said so far I think you are comming here with pretty much the right attitude. That being the case, if you are feeling it, and want to talk about it, then by all means talk.

The F&F section is invaluable because it is HARD work having a survivor in your life. This is your place to unload the frustration, fear, anger, pain, joy.. the whole nine yards.

I hope you can find here some support and relief regarding the things that are happening in your life right now... loss is such a hard thing to grieve, but here you are amoung friends and people that will completely understand what you are experiencing.

W
 
Lisa,

I am sorry for your loss and I am sorry for the suffering that brought your cousin to take his life.

Your cousin, if he'd had the chance and the strength to post here, would have been welcomed as "another one" of the MS community I'm sure, but to you it's not just another one lost, is it? It's your cousin and you have a right to the strong emotions that you must be feeling. I don't think anyone here would resent or deny your emotions.

It saddens me how many new and first-time posters, both survivors and friends & family, have so much fear and worry about not belonging here, not saying/doing the right things here, being resented or shouted down for what they have to say. I remember how long I "lurked" on the board and how many times I closed the browser on my first post.

The posts above say it all, Lisa. We do come out pretty quickly (and sometimes, harshly) against malice and disrespect. But it's no quicker than we'll come out to support and welcome someone in need.

This forum is a place for you to vent, and learn, and heal, as you grieve for your cousin. I think JAAY's idea about doing what you can to observe his death is a good one. You're already not grieving for him alone anymore... at least, not here.

SAR
 
It's not about me, it's about my cousin, who clearly suffered much more than I can imagine. IT'S NOT ABOUT ME!!!
Click to expand...
Unfortunately at this time there is a part that is about you. Your cousin's grief and anguish is now over, and it is you that is grieving a cousin, wrestling with the anger and bewilderment that suicide causes, and how to grapple with the whole injustice of what happened to your cousin and how it all played out.

Just because your cousin was the one that was hurt does not deny the pain and grief you are now feeling. Allow yourself to process the loss. And you are perfectly welcome to process that loss here with us.

I will say a prayer for you and for your cousin... may his soul now be floating free of his tortured body and mind and now find itself in eternal peace and happiness with our Creator. And may you and your family find the strength you need to get through this trying time. (hope that didnt sound to weird.. i'm not a big prayer writer or anything).

I have real tears in my eyes as I write this... *gulp* this is really tough... I think of all the people including my fiance and my dad who are survivors..

And yah some kind of activity to help process the grief and commemmorate your cousin's life would be a good thing to do. Light a candle, write a letter, burn something, bury something, say a prayer, etc.

P
 
Lisa
Your cousin wasn't just "another one lost" he was a man, a son, a brother, a friend and a cousin that was loved. Sadly he didn't have the chance to love himself.

You have a place here on this forum, You, as someone who is dealing with the horror of knowing others who have suffered abuse deserve support and help as much as we do. Even more so now.

Take care Lisa.

Dave
 
Lisa,

I'm sorry. I'm sorry for your pain. I'm sorry for the abuse that drove your cousin, who you so obviously loved dearly, to this hopelessness. I'm sorry that a source of comfort turned into a source of pain for your family. I'm sorry, period.

NEVER, EVER think you don't have a place here.

You do.

DON'T DOUBT YOUR ACTIONS. You were helping your cousin. You did what you thought was right. As hard as this is for you to hear, his actions were his actions, NOT YOURS!

He knows you loved him. He just didn't have any hope left. That's a hard thing.

One of the brothers here, a man who was very dear to me, killed himself and it hurt. It hurt because I thought I failed him. I didn't. I did what I could and I hope I gave him comfort in the time he and I knew each other. You gave your cousin all you could, and I'm sure that he took comfort in that love. I KNOW he felt it.

People decide to end their lives for a variety of reasons. Few of them because people loved them. They know. They always know. They feel that the pain is too much to bear and they decide to not deal with it anymore. It had NOTHING to do with what you did or didn't do.

Lisa, I wish i could take your pain away. The best i can do is offer my support. Grief shared is grief halved. Joy shared is joy doubled.

Let the people here help you with that burden.

I care about you, Lisa.

We all do.

Peace and love.

Scot
 
Lisa - so sorry to hear of your personal loss. Many of us here will also feel a loss even for someone that we did not know personally.

It's sad that you can't make it to the funeral - do you have a picture of your Cousin that you could place a candle next to. You could light the candle around the time of the service, that way you could at least feel connected to the service. If you haven't got a picture, you could just go with the candle.

Best wishes ..Rik
 
Lisa,

I am sorry to hear what happened to your cousin. I wish we could have gotten to know him here.

Please don't hold back your own anger and pain. This forum is for you. There are places here exclusively for the male survivors, but this F&F forum is here for you.

It does not honor your cousin to hide your pain as he hid his.

Joe
 
I am sorry for your loss. But I do think that here, you are important, and it is about you, and your feelings. Yes, he was of great emotion, to do what he did. But you are who is left behind, and is current 'victim' of this. Please know you can find support here. I am sorry.

Andrei
 
Thank you, all of you for your words of support and welcome.

I have been reading your replies to me for the last few days, but have not been able to respond as my parents are in town visiting me, and I have been busy trying to keep them entertained and safe. They are from a "small town", and don't know how to fend for themselves in a city like Los Angeles. And they are going to Las Vegas, for their first time, when they leave here! I've had so much to worry about looking after them, that I haven't had time to deal with my grief. But today I can't contain it any longer.

I can't believe he killed himself.
He had so much going for him, in spite of the abuse.
Five years ago he earned his PhD in Neurophysics from Clemson University.
Damn, if I had a degree like that, I don't think I'd be here now, out of work for over a year.

But I guess that education was a coping mechanism for him.
Because it was after that, things got really bad with him.

I'm all out of words at the moment.
All I can do is sob uncontrollably.

Thank you all so much for being out there on the internet, hearing, accepting and acknowledging my pain. If only my caring for him could have made a difference for him. My caring is still there, for all the survivors, and those who love them.

I must go now. I will return later.
Lisa
 
Lisa,

I am so sorry for your loss. But your posting here may have saved my life.

I've been suicidal for days. And all I could think of the here is "Another one lost".

I don't want and won't be the next one.

I wish I could reach out to you in your grief. I don't know what else to say. Except I care about you. And thank you.

Marc
 
Lisa
I'm certain you did make a difference, and I'm sure your cousins life had some bright moments because of the love you show.

You're still making a difference.

Dave
 
I'm back to post again, but only briefly.
So much going on inside me, not much has made it into words yet.

I do want to say this, to SoCal Marc, about suicide.
Procrastination.
Put it off until another day.
If you can't be sure about how you feel about things,
how can you know how you really feel about ending your life?
Put it off until another day.
 
Please...please...put it off indefinitely.

Nothing scares me more than thinking my husband would go back to thinking about this. He attempted it three times (all of them over ten years ago). I'm all choked up just typing this. With him being so distant for these past 3 days, I can't tell you what I'm thinking. Now I am tearing up....gotta go

Lisa-I'm so sorry for your loss.
Marc....I'm glad you're here, helping us too.....
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top