Another maleSurvivor: Ready to heal and tell a new story...

mthw

New Registrant
Hello, my name is Matthew and I recently discovered these websites and forums among other things after they were recommended to me by a very close friend...

I am a 42 year old male and I've come to a point in my life where I really need to start telling a different story and live a future that I actually want to be a part of. I am a male survivor who was molested by my mother during breastfeeding and all the way till I was 6 years old (I was also sexually abused by several other "family friends"). Eventually my mother met a family at a "christian" church who took her and my other 2 siblings "under their wings"... And this is where the religious abuse began... being spiritually shamed and physically abused for my overt sexuality, which was pretty much uncontrollable by that time. I struggled all through grade school where I was often sent home and even expelled from many institutions for displaying inappropriate sexual behavior.

I have seen many therapists over the years and have spent easily over 20 years in therapy where I was never asked the right questions, dismissed as having faulty memory, and often bullied by male therapists for being "too imaginative" and weak, and most often told to "just get over it" and that it was "no big deal".

I can proudly say I have never harmed or abused anyone (but myself), nor have I had the urge to, but I have also self-isolated from communities, friendships, family and I even gave up (ran away from) being a father to my daughter (when she was 4 years old) when I was triggered and had a severe mental breakdown.

I currently live in Austin Texas, I'm a military vet (4 years in the navy) , I have a BFA from the Art Academy of San Francisco, I'm a tattoo artist, web designer, a poet, a musician, and have always maintain good physical health despite my extremely low confidence in myself. So I s'pose I've been able to maintain a small semblance of normalcy, so to speak. However, I have watched my shadow behavior destroy relationship after relationship, over and over again. And have struggled with suicidal tendencies for as long as I can remember.

During this quarantine I finally quit smoking pot (after smoking for over 20 years) and began to face my demons after going through a very painful separation from a partner that I love and care about very deeply... So basically I decided I've had enough of this B.S. and it is time to heal for real. I have begun a serious daily meditation practice and also practice positive self care on a daily basis, but I could really use some advice and maybe techniques from people like yourself who are going through their own process and looking for "the otherside".

Im looking forward to meeting other maleSurvivors that I can speak with to begin building a strategy for healing.
Thanks for taking the time to read my story short version and keep up the amazing work everyone, we can do this.
—Matthew
 
Sorry you experienced those things as a boy Matthew. None of us deserved what brought us to this website but here we are... which is an amazing and wonderful thing. We're not alone any longer with any of this. I note you registered eight days ago and this is your first post. I hope you've been rambling around the website and reading what others have to say about their journeys. It helped me a great deal when I first arrived, because it confirmed I was not terminally unique in my depravity. You speak of inappropriate sexual behavior getting you in trouble. That is the kind of behavior children who've been sexually traumatized engage in. Kids are naturally curious about their bodies and about differences but it is something else when behavior is evidence of knowledge a child wouldn't normally have.

It is so easy to carry shame from all we've experienced and what we've done with that experience. You'll read about those behaviors here, about the confusion we've had over those behaviors. Being able at last to trace those behaviors back to their roots can be part of the process of releasing the shame. Unfortunately, it sounds as though you found yourself working with therapists incapable to understanding and working with the material you brought to therapy. We really need therapists well grounded in sexual trauma and how it affects both the body, beliefs and behaviors. I found especially helpful the book The Body Keeps the Score which is being discussed at the moment in the Male Survivor forum. I also found helpful reading on attachment theory. My sexual trauma began in the early months of my life with my mother as well. I realized as I read about what normal development involves that my mother's fixation on sexual feelings and my genitals made it IMPOSSIBLE for me to receive what I needed developmentally. That left me searching eternally for a place to be safe in the world, trying to please others in the hope I would be safe. My guess is you have a similar story to tell.

Remember this is a healing journey and it will take time. The only person who can insure you find the peace and aliveness you seek is you. The men here can offer support but you will need to do the work... to unpack the past, to find compassion to learn self-care. It seems you've made a good beginning with that Matthew. A solid meditation practice and positive self-care can set the foundation for healing. I wish you well on your journey. Don't hesitate to reach out if you'd care to share more about what happened with your mother. There is a forum devoted to Survivors of Female Abuse that will likely speak to you. Check out the threads and join the conversation if you feel inspired. You also can initiate conversations with men on the site simply be clicking on their avatar and selecting Start Conversation. Glad you found us Matthew and introduced yourself.
 

BDD

Registrant
Hi Matthew,
I am always sorry that anyone needs to find MS, but I am always happy when they do.
Welcome.

During this quarantine I finally quit smoking pot (after smoking for over 20 years) and began to face my demons after going through a very painful separation from a partner that I love and care about very deeply... So basically I decided I've had enough of this B.S. and it is time to heal for real. I have begun a serious daily meditation practice and also practice positive self care on a daily basis, but I could really use some advice and maybe techniques from people like yourself who are going through their own process and looking for "the otherside".

Im looking forward to meeting other maleSurvivors that I can speak with to begin building a strategy for healing.
Thanks for taking the time to read my story short version and keep up the amazing work everyone, we can do this.
—Matthew
Wow, I love enthusiasm. Your dedication and discipline will be a real powerful tool. When I started I had a picture of what "the otherside" would be. Have I made it to what I outlined when I was 20? No. BUT this journey has shown me things I was capable of imagining back then. Keep your eye on the prize, but know as you grow, so does your idea of "the otherside".

For me, my growth has always come from exploring and accepting the trauma. It's been a process of piecing it all together. There is a great book The Body Keeps The Score by Bessel Van der Kolk, MD (and a wonderful thread happening right now
here)

Welcome!
 
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