another invisible boy
ethereo222
Registrant
Hello everyone.
I am a 52 year old gay man living in, but not originally from, Appalachia. Recently my older brother reached out to me to begin a dialogue about the nature of the dysfunction that was our childhood home, and things we both remembered. In the process, I came out to him about the psychological and sexual abuse I endured at the hand of our mom's violent abusive alcoholic predatory live-in boyfriend when I was 13-14, after my brother had left home, and that our mom knew it was going on. I had never told the story to anyone in my family before.
I went through counseling 20 years ago, and thought I had put things in place, but this current re-visiting of the time has taken over the forefront of my conscious thoughts, so my online outreach led me to this website, just yesterday. I am both tearfully moved, and sickened, by the stories I am reading here. Not unexpectedly, I am also finding many statements and points of reference with which I completely identify. Not the least of which, is how easy it is to morph from childhood sexual abuse to adult sexual abuse. A lifetime of sexual dysfunction, raped in my 20s, years of sex for pay in my 30s, two long term abusive relationships with prevalent drug and alcohol addictions playing a major role, as well as emotional abuse, and the behaviors, patterns and choices that were lived along the way.
All weekend I have been working with my 14 year old invisible boy and my 22 year old invisible boy, casting light on these shadows of lifelong effects. Undeniably, along with the light come many, many questions...
After decades of wandering from town to town and menial job to menial job, I have for 10 years owned my little cabin in the hills, and have a good secure job at which I am both respected and well-liked. In the workplace I present myself as confident and outgoing, but at day's end, I retreat to a hermit's life, by choice. I tend to limit my social engagements, and remain defensively paranoid and hyper-vigilant in my surroundings. For the most part, though, the chosen isolation provides peace of mind and a sense of sanctuary. The invisible boy at 52.
I learned a long time ago that what happened to me as a kid was not my fault. But can I say the same thing about what happened as an adult? I mean, I played a conscious role in creating the situations that lead to the abusive behaviors...didn't I?
Twenty years ago, I thought I had put things in their place...now, not so much.
I am a 52 year old gay man living in, but not originally from, Appalachia. Recently my older brother reached out to me to begin a dialogue about the nature of the dysfunction that was our childhood home, and things we both remembered. In the process, I came out to him about the psychological and sexual abuse I endured at the hand of our mom's violent abusive alcoholic predatory live-in boyfriend when I was 13-14, after my brother had left home, and that our mom knew it was going on. I had never told the story to anyone in my family before.
I went through counseling 20 years ago, and thought I had put things in place, but this current re-visiting of the time has taken over the forefront of my conscious thoughts, so my online outreach led me to this website, just yesterday. I am both tearfully moved, and sickened, by the stories I am reading here. Not unexpectedly, I am also finding many statements and points of reference with which I completely identify. Not the least of which, is how easy it is to morph from childhood sexual abuse to adult sexual abuse. A lifetime of sexual dysfunction, raped in my 20s, years of sex for pay in my 30s, two long term abusive relationships with prevalent drug and alcohol addictions playing a major role, as well as emotional abuse, and the behaviors, patterns and choices that were lived along the way.
All weekend I have been working with my 14 year old invisible boy and my 22 year old invisible boy, casting light on these shadows of lifelong effects. Undeniably, along with the light come many, many questions...
After decades of wandering from town to town and menial job to menial job, I have for 10 years owned my little cabin in the hills, and have a good secure job at which I am both respected and well-liked. In the workplace I present myself as confident and outgoing, but at day's end, I retreat to a hermit's life, by choice. I tend to limit my social engagements, and remain defensively paranoid and hyper-vigilant in my surroundings. For the most part, though, the chosen isolation provides peace of mind and a sense of sanctuary. The invisible boy at 52.
I learned a long time ago that what happened to me as a kid was not my fault. But can I say the same thing about what happened as an adult? I mean, I played a conscious role in creating the situations that lead to the abusive behaviors...didn't I?
Twenty years ago, I thought I had put things in their place...now, not so much.
