another day

[Wifey1]

another day in paradice .... aaahhh that which surrounds me reminds me of so much... i read & read the postings always wanting to reply or add a comment or two --- but i am here in my own little box, contained & restrained
exactly like others just physically different?
I read the posting by someone who was in a survivor group where men & women came & went each possibly frightened by the others...
We woe for each other and fight amongst ourselves and with ourselves. That wonderful poster just kept going back and going back, finding use in the experience for themself even tho alone.
It took me many years to be able to be alone and actually enjoy the space and time. sometimes it frightens me, sometimes I crave it...
I read another part of a posting where surmized it stated something to the effect that some survivors tell everything wanting "sympathy" -- I tell , I talk about it, I share it in what ever form I can if the subject arises -- Sympathy I do not seek -- empathy, ? perhaps but more so that others may understand me better. I gain from this a purging, a chance to educate others perhaps, -- more often I find others who are survivors also, some willing to share deeply others not so ready... brothers and sisters alike in the holocaust of child abuses..
Tommorrow I see my T again & can hardly wait -- so much swirling in my head --
Hubby2 received his 90 day chip last night, but there is no celebration in his voice, only FEAR. We talk of this, talk of how his urges to act out are strong now .... I try to remind him the longer we are clean how it seems the monsters we medicated before seem to get bigger when in reality they just still are the same size, no longer self medicated or self harmed away ---
I'm having a hard time finding Hope, having a hard time making myself DO anything beyond that cardiac rehab, and I so wonder why?
Someone posted they felt nothing (?) oh how I wish i was there again, unable to feel something anything beyond anger & complete utter overwhelming disabling nothingness....
Hubby2 & I talk, really communicating for the first time in our lives -- a frightening new road for both of us, and yet I dont care either...
I know this feeling, all too well and know that more memories are coming again -- want them to get here and get over them already, to get through them....
Sleep? -- I see the postings of the disturbed sleep patterns of so many and wonder of our Neuro's who specialize in sleep question those who go for sleep studies about childhood trauma's, knowing full well that not one of my dox or hubby2's dox ever asked that question. Hubby2 is ripping his CPAP mask off at night again unable to remember why or how or when -- and for me when he sleeps with me, the sound of his breathing triggers incredible amounts of rage -- today i know its related to something i am going to remmber soon....
I am really considering locking myself into the crayola wing, .... the depression is becoming disabling... yet if i do, i abandon hubby2 during a time he is "critical" as he told me today
CAN SOMEONE ELSE TELL ME HOW WE CAN STOP THIS TRAIN WRECK? -- We obviously are triggering each others SA... we cant be good for each other, yet we cling to each other also....
and here i sit again a few moments before i go to rehab feeling overwhelmed -- rehab a trigger in itself?
and i want to answer the polls but cant -- how long have i been actively dealing with my own abuse issues? --- just under fifteen years
what info is there for those like me who have come this far? Is there?
what more can or could i possibly share with my T ??? I feel like i am starting over yet again, and i am sick and tired of being sick and tired of going thru this shit over and over
so much babble without a bobble to recognize my self --- feeling nameless, disconnected from all that surrounds me
sadness .... its sadness no where to cry, no way to cry, and no one to hold me if i do cry

 

[Cement]

There is a cycle in the recovery, just like there was a fucking cycle in the acting out, just like there was a cycle in the fucking abuse. I am sick of the fucking cycles.

I have wanted to answer your posts, but I worry sometimes that I am not going to "help." When you raged, I wanted to tell you, "Hooray for rage." Then I thought, "What if that is JUST the thing that makes her go punch little miss can't be wrong?" I would feel bad. For you, not for the happy go lucky c$nt at rehab

Yeah, I got some rage, too. I like to read yours, makes me feel empathy with you.

Peace,
James

 

[The Dean]

Hello Wifey,

You are a couageous and caring lady. Your husband is fortunate. And you are fortunate if he understands your own pain.

There is a way that I would think you could be very good for each other at this time since you are both survivors of sexual abuse. Just the fact you have broken the silence and that you understand each other is good.

You sure need to make your needs known to each other. It is difficualt to accept but each of you has to put yourselves first in healing.

I once heard that when it comes to SA ten years is a good beginnig in working on it. I have been working on it for 12 or 13 years now. Like C James says, there are the wretched cycles. How we come to hate the cycles. But they are better than being in a funk all the time. It is just that the lows hurt so much once we have experienced a taste of freedom.

Last evening I watched Amistad again. It reminds me that being a slave is ugly, freedom is wonderful.
Sometimes I feel like I am a slave to all my illnesses and depresssions and anxieties etc. I see a film like Amistad and it does not make me sad, it is a film of great victory. How we can all long for that freedom, that victory.

The struggle is a pain and at times a bore, but it sure is worth it.

Peace to you and your husband.

Bob

 

[Wifey1]

Hey guys,
can you see me hiding behind my foster grants? Naww, me neither I aint got em on...

James:I am sick of the fucking cycles.

I have wanted to answer your posts, but I worry sometimes that I am not going to "help." --
I too am sick of the fucking cycles & not just the ones at rehab funny tho the ones at rehab go no where, and these cycles "feel" as if they go no where either. ~ Wanting to answer posts, ... oh please please do not be afraid to respond, or toss in a remark, please understand a response or comment is a compliment to me --- at least someone is reading from my little box i write thru....
I am a mouthy one in life -- quick to be a smart ass answer, my personality to challenge others I believe. Not for sinister reasons but rather knowing others must surely think so much the same as I do & needing validation & challenge to my own stinkin thinkin at times. It HELPS just to know that someone out there beyond has taken a moment to validate my existence.

Bob: It is just that the lows hurt so much once we have experienced a taste of freedom.
Oh how I have said those words to so many so many so many these past few years, and even more so with my struggle with the heart disease.
Each time I re enter the doc or rehab for me it is simply a reminder of what I cannot physically do anymore. I try to find a positive each day that I did for ME... man is that hard to do if there is no one to help point them out. Today one of the other gals in class with me talked about our depression -- & agreed to meet for a beer after Wed. class -- we are going to talk more about getting a group together just to talk about the bullshit of dealing with the disease,.... I listened as she said to miss "happy go lucky" ... "Oh There you are Miss Always Positive", yet I watched miss always positive's face during exercise & saw her struggle too -- I know she has her own evils she is fighting too.
**I forget who posts that he & his wife go out to a pub regular for their time together.
This evening hubby2 & I did the same, I took him to dinner. We both have been talking about our depression being so overwhelming. I told him also I had thought about checking into the local crayon wing, he said he had been thinking the same thing.
We talked much , resolved nothing but felt better all the same. We both have been struggling with these weird waves of rage coming on. They come & go without warning, & never really crash ... both of us struggle with sleeping right now.
Ya know Bob how you said we each need to put our healing first -- Hubby2 said that too when I told him I didnt want to do the crayola wing as I felt it would put too much stress on him -- reminded me that I was first for me, then moments later said he had been thinking of doing the same for himself (i wonder if they would let us share a room? HA!)...and then I said to him to place his own healing first for him ... maybe we are afraid of leaving each other behind? Or not being together in the end?

It is all worth it, this I know -- Miss Happy Ass said I had my girls graduations to look forward to & grand babies -- all i wanted to say was " DUH!"
and a positive for today for me, was #2 daugh calling & being excited she earned a B in her religion class, not bad for a kid who was never raised with any religion, but plenty of spirituality (i think).... and talking to #1 daugh yesterday who was excited and voice relieved and refreshed with a lower stress level....

and another positive, time with hubby2, and having a place to come and vent this fucked up bizzarro world shit of surviving

Thanks again for being here
Peace~ Wifey1