Another day

Brian76

Registrant
Another day is here and I still feel like a worthless unemployed bum. I have never been able to hold a job for more than a few years- I get really depressed and feel trapped which kills my work ethic. That's when I start to act out. Covid killed my last job last year and I can't help thinking how much I want a new job and I don't. I finally came to terms with what happened when I was a boy later last year. I had to stop betraying my wife's trust and find a way to become a functional adult in his 40s. I am terrified of being in the workplace again. Mid life crisis coupled with my PTSD and the guilt/shame of acting out have frozen me in place. I need to find a successful career and be somebody. I have many years to make up for. How do people find the strength? Sorry for the ranting. I needed to get this off my chest this morning. I need a win. I need something to look forward to. Peace.
 
I hope it is ok if I share a sermon that really helped me (I promise that I won’t get religious) My pastor recently preached a sermon on Victory. One thing he said we need to achieve victory is to maintain a clear vision. But he acknowledged that sometimes a vision seems too far off and unattainable. He said for example, if on a scale of 1-10 your marriage is on a 1, then envisioning a 10 may seem too far off. He said that instead you might imagine what it would look like to get to a 2.

If you are currently at 1 and want a career that looks like a 10 then perhaps focus on what a 2 looks like and taking that step.

I know this sounds cliche but it worked for me. I have a very specific thing I have decided to do when I get healthier. When I have despaired I envision that happening and it helps me keep going. I don’t know if that helps.

it sucks that we have to do deal with this. I am 51 and have so many regrets about how I have lived my life. But I finally realized that those regrets were chains holding me back. I have worked to leave my regrets behind and try to focus on what I can do right now to get better.
 

DanielQ432

Registrant
It’s completely ok, I’m glad you feel ok with sharing this with people. I think work is a real challenge when you have trauma-induced issues in your life. Society expects us to go out there and be comfortable playing a certain role and follow certain rules, and neither of those necessarily mesh well with the problems PTSD causes. I know some of the things that make it challenging for me are fear of authority figures, general desire to avoid contact with people, my sense of worthlessness and perceived inadequacy.
 

Brian76

Registrant
I hope it is ok if I share a sermon that really helped me (I promise that I won’t get religious) My pastor recently preached a sermon on Victory. One thing he said we need to achieve victory is to maintain a clear vision. But he acknowledged that sometimes a vision seems too far off and unattainable. He said for example, if on a scale of 1-10 your marriage is on a 1, then envisioning a 10 may seem too far off. He said that instead you might imagine what it would look like to get to a 2.

If you are currently at 1 and want a career that looks like a 10 then perhaps focus on what a 2 looks like and taking that step.

I know this sounds cliche but it worked for me. I have a very specific thing I have decided to do when I get healthier. When I have despaired I envision that happening and it helps me keep going. I don’t know if that helps.

it sucks that we have to do deal with this. I am 51 and have so many regrets about how I have lived my life. But I finally realized that those regrets were chains holding me back. I have worked to leave my regrets behind and try to focus on what I can do right now to get better.
Thank you. Your words give me hope today...
 

Brian76

Registrant
It’s completely ok, I’m glad you feel ok with sharing this with people. I think work is a real challenge when you have trauma-induced issues in your life. Society expects us to go out there and be comfortable playing a certain role and follow certain rules, and neither of those necessarily mesh well with the problems PTSD causes. I know some of the things that make it challenging for me are fear of authority figures, general desire to avoid contact with people, my sense of worthlessness and perceived inadequacy.
I too have a fear of authority figures. It cause me to recoil or become extremely rebelious against them. Chidlish I know--but I feel you. Thank you for your kind words.
 

DanielQ432

Registrant
It’s definitely not an easy thing to get by in the world. I’m really overwhelmed myself right now, so I feel for you. I’ll keep you in my thoughts that you will find what you want.
 
Brian,

You say you need to find a successful career and be somebody. But truly, you already are somebody. Seeing yourself as somebody already, somebody worthy, maybe could help you to find more confidence in discovering what job opportunity would be right for you.

Just my two cents, sorry if I'm stepping out of line.
 

Brian76

Registrant
Brian,

You say you need to find a successful career and be somebody. But truly, you already are somebody. Seeing yourself as somebody already, somebody worthy, maybe could help you to find more confidence in discovering what job opportunity would be right for you.

Just my two cents, sorry if I'm stepping out of line.
Thank you. Your kindness is welcome. Not out of line at all!
 

The Bluefoot

Registrant
The key here in finding the best job possible with out a lot of effort or frozen in placed or as I call it stuck. Is covid, many thousand and tens of thousand of people lost there jobs and companies can find enough people to fill spots./ Now is the prefect time to reach for the dream job even if you are not quified you never know they still may take a change and train you for the job since they cant find any one else. I did the oppisit, I had a great Job and I ask to take the summer off I ask them to hold it until the end of the summer for me as I needed so time off for mental reasons. I was the head of Marketing for a finical company. I work quality was sliding for months because of PTSD and before they notice I asked for time off. They came me 10 weeks with 1/2 pay. I did not even ask for any pay. I promised I learn more about distal marketing when I return in September and I promised to return as well. In the mean time I took a job delivering pizza, joust to do something different in life. Nobody at the pizza company knows what I real do in life, other then I drive a high end Volvo wagon to deliver pizza.

Its not enough time to recover from sexual abuse but its enough time to relax and to clear my head some what and see if I want to continue with this job for long or find something else. and if so what. I would hate to leave this job for many reasons but at the same time if I am not happy and not do well at it then i am wasting everyone time.

Like I said this it the prefect time to get a good job because of covid. You can do it and if it does not work out blame covid and try again.
 

Brian76

Registrant
The key here in finding the best job possible with out a lot of effort or frozen in placed or as I call it stuck. Is covid, many thousand and tens of thousand of people lost there jobs and companies can find enough people to fill spots./ Now is the prefect time to reach for the dream job even if you are not quified you never know they still may take a change and train you for the job since they cant find any one else. I did the oppisit, I had a great Job and I ask to take the summer off I ask them to hold it until the end of the summer for me as I needed so time off for mental reasons. I was the head of Marketing for a finical company. I work quality was sliding for months because of PTSD and before they notice I asked for time off. They came me 10 weeks with 1/2 pay. I did not even ask for any pay. I promised I learn more about distal marketing when I return in September and I promised to return as well. In the mean time I took a job delivering pizza, joust to do something different in life. Nobody at the pizza company knows what I real do in life, other then I drive a high end Volvo wagon to deliver pizza.

Its not enough time to recover from sexual abuse but its enough time to relax and to clear my head some what and see if I want to continue with this job for long or find something else. and if so what. I would hate to leave this job for many reasons but at the same time if I am not happy and not do well at it then i am wasting everyone time.

Like I said this it the prefect time to get a good job because of covid. You can do it and if it does not work out blame covid and try again.
Thank you for this. This gives me a bit of encouragement. Covid really made me anxious about leaving the house again. Not because of the virus but just being around people again scares the hell out of me.
 

DanielQ432

Registrant
@Brian76 - covid made me feel really guilty about being at home, collecting unemployment, and being safe from not just covid, but feeling really safe in general because for the first time in years I could almost 100% isolate. I took it very seriously too. I went in public places very cautiously when infections were low in the summer of 2020 only to get things I couldn’t get any other way - which was mainly bulk supplies for home repairs that couldn’t be shipped or delivered or curbside pickup. Maybe 6-8 trips to home stores between June-August and always at 6 am so no one was around. No trips, hardly left the house Sept to April.

I felt very guilty because so many people were “essential” and had to work, and because people were dying - and I was grateful for a prolonged period of solitude.

Now I’m back to a job, and so far it’s ok but I will always be awkward and self-conscious around people. But I was really going through some pretty dark anxiety and a lot of the old thoughts of I don’t want to be alive. But a lot of it is fear, the anticipation of all of the bad things that could happen is worse than what usually does happen in my life.
 

happyjohnn

Registrant
Another day is here and I still feel like a worthless unemployed bum. I have never been able to hold a job for more than a few years- I get really depressed and feel trapped which kills my work ethic. That's when I start to act out. Covid killed my last job last year and I can't help thinking how much I want a new job and I don't. I finally came to terms with what happened when I was a boy later last year. I had to stop betraying my wife's trust and find a way to become a functional adult in his 40s. I am terrified of being in the workplace again. Mid life crisis coupled with my PTSD and the guilt/shame of acting out have frozen me in place. I need to find a successful career and be somebody. I have many years to make up for. How do people find the strength? Sorry for the ranting. I needed to get this off my chest this morning. I need a win. I need something to look forward to. Peace.
Hey Brian. We are all here to support you. Be kind to yourself. Know that you are loved here
 

Brian76

Registrant
@Brian76 - covid made me feel really guilty about being at home, collecting unemployment, and being safe from not just covid, but feeling really safe in general because for the first time in years I could almost 100% isolate. I took it very seriously too. I went in public places very cautiously when infections were low in the summer of 2020 only to get things I couldn’t get any other way - which was mainly bulk supplies for home repairs that couldn’t be shipped or delivered or curbside pickup. Maybe 6-8 trips to home stores between June-August and always at 6 am so no one was around. No trips, hardly left the house Sept to April.

I felt very guilty because so many people were “essential” and had to work, and because people were dying - and I was grateful for a prolonged period of solitude.

Now I’m back to a job, and so far it’s ok but I will always be awkward and self-conscious around people. But I was really going through some pretty dark anxiety and a lot of the old thoughts of I don’t want to be alive. But a lot of it is fear, the anticipation of all of the bad things that could happen is worse than what usually does happen in my life.
I felt the same during the lockdown. I am really terrified about entering the world again. I loved the isolation...
 

happyjohnn

Registrant
Isolation was so bad on my mental state we can be alone but that does not help us heal. We were created to bring joy and happiness to others. As I began to re enter the world it was scary. But as I reached out to others I felt better. Others were helped. I was helped. We all need love and support
 

DanielQ432

Registrant
I felt the same during the lockdown. I am really terrified about entering the world again. I loved the isolation...
OTOH, I also know that being isolated like that isn’t psychologically healthy for me. Everyone is different, so it might be the healthiest thing imaginable for somebody else. I know for myself, as hard and scary as the world can be, when I hide away from it I have a lot more opportunities to engage in unhealthy behaviors and entertain dark gloomy thoughts about “poor me”. I sat around and ate junk food for the last 15 months at random times 24/7 and rarely thought about having normal meals at normal times, and I’m really fat now. I feel like a bloated pig.

I think probably the best example of why it was bad for me was because I had no schedule, no one to answer to, and I could really allow myself to wallow in those depths of gloom. I kept telling myself there were a million things I could do to be productive, but it was a real struggle to force myself. Now I regret all of the wasted time and the personal projects I didn’t accomplish in 15 months of free time. I spent entire days just telling myself that in 15 minutes I would get up and do something productive, but the whole day would elapse and all I did was watch something on Prime or Netflix and eat junk food like Reese’s and Doritos. I can’t do that now five days a week, assuming I do ok at this new job and they keep me on after the 90 day probation period.

Last year I was really afraid of Covid itself. I’ve had both shots, over 3 months now since the 2nd one. Being back out in public, I feel like eventually I will get it, but like with Influenza and getting flu shots every year, it won’t make me seriously sick. I had lab-confirmed Influenza in 2014 and 2018 even though I’ve always gotten a flu shot every year since probably the 1990s. So less afraid of that now.
 
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