Another Day

[Robbie]

Hello. I just found this board yesterday and have read and read and read. Thank you for being here.

I was abused for two years by a camp counselor who befriended the family when I was in sixth and seventh grade. I craved attention from a male as my father, a wonderful man, was very distant from me. But I grew too much pubic hair and he said it was over. That was it-out of my life. I knew he had probably moved on to some other poor boy. He talked about the one he loved the most who was in high school at that point. I felt rejected and lesser than others. I tried to keep in touch with him as he was really the only male who seemed to care. I was nothing to him and he was all to me. He said I'll probably see him when I was an adult to thank him for what he'd done for me.

Now that my son has just turned 11 everything came pouring back. I have read 1/3 of Mike Lew's book and had to put it down as I just can't read anymore. From reading this board it is all about us. I finally don't feel so alone.

What would life have been if I wasn't prowling the streets looking for older men? What would it have been like not feeling I deserve anything, always angry, skipping school, doing drugs. What if I had stayed on track with my dreams for adulthood? Would I have followed my childhood dreams that everyone said I was built for?

I've been in therapy for a couple of months now. I cried like a child last week and again last night. I now know why I feel my partner and son would be better off without me. I now know why I'm loved at work (teacher) but I hate going in. I now know why I have to stop everything when I'm having fun. The list goes on and on.

Last night I lost control and cried again. It's scary losing control. I could have easily ended it all but it seems that the wisdon of the universe sent me to this board. Typing this and my other post in another section has been a little freeing. It kept me going one more day.

Does it ever stop? Is there a way to stop being just a survivor and beome a thriver?

I plan on sticking around the board if I'm welcome to. I just don't want to drive you all crazy with my needs.

Robbie

 

[reality2k4]

Robbie,

You are reading mike lews' book, I know it is hard stuff, you say you cry, but crying is a means of escape from the hurt, it releases tensions built up within us.

Don't worry, you can vent off here, and it is a place to be, somehow we are guided here, it took me a long time to find it, but I am glad I did.

I found answers to a lot of nagging problems, built up over years of confusion and unknown fears. Why you were guided here I do not know.

Your partner and son really do love you, just as all your friends, you have the magic in you, that is if you can see it for yourself.

There were times when I could not cry, so I find things to make it happen, it releases so much hurt, I cried when I was a boy, and I thought, hey, this is sissy stuff, and it really hurt, not to cry, so I went back to crying.

He said I'll probably see him when I was an adult to thank him for what he'd done for me.

Hope you get the chance to tell him how much he has f**ked up your life, and other lives too.

I hope he is behind bars, and not let out to do these things to other kids!!!

There is always a welcome for you in this place

ste

 

[Lloydy]

Robbie
you are so welcome to join us, even though we all feel bad that you need to join us.
But, reading your post you have reason to be here, and MS is the best Survivors site around, here you'll find support, friendship and help that is hard to beat. And you'll never "drive us crazy with your needs".

From reading this board it is all about us. I finally don't feel so alone.

What we do is share it out between us, today it's your needs, tommorow it might be mine, we have enough support to go around!

I picked up on a couple of things in your post -

it is all about us. I finally don't feel so alone.

It is about 'us' - to hell with our abusers, we are the important people now, all they did was f**k our lives up - up until this point. From now on it's our lives lived as we would wish them to be lived!

I cried like a child last week and again last night. I now know why I feel my partner and son would be better off without me.

Keep crying, men are allowed to show emotions these days it's surpressing them that causes us problems.
Does your partner know about you abuse?
I'm NOT telling you to tell her if you haven't, that's your choice - when you're ready.
But don't automatically think they would be better off without a partner and a father, think positively and move on to a position where you are proud of your family. I think that maybe your statement says more about your lack of self-esteem that the reality of the situation?
Self-esteem CAN be restored, many of us have done it. I thought that my wife of 25 years would throw me out when I first disclosed to her, but we've just celebrated out 30th wedding anniversary.
Never underestimate those that love you, or yourself for that matter!

Stick with us Robbie, you aren't alone any more.

Dave

 

[Pete2004]

Robbie:

My son turning 10 caused me to search for relief.I also feel I was guided here to this site. I was able to keep so much stuffed inside, thinking I could handle the secrets until my son turned the age I was when I first began being abused. I am only beginning to learn through the Victims No Longer book, that so much of what Ive tried to handle for 40 years, has been the repercussions of the SA. The bad self image, the NO self esteem, the anger coming out of no where, the fear of people finding out the real me, the withdrawal and loneliness.

Im discovering what the triggers are and I am recognizing my traditional responses in acting out.

I find there are breakthroughs as you continue the journey. There are grand victories that will change your outlook.

Keep on the journey brother!

Pete

 

[TJ jeff]

Welcome to MS Robbie

Mike Lew's book taught me a lot about myself - it took me almost a month to read through the first time (very powerfully emmotional to read for me) - I hope that you are able to learn as much from it as I have...

You will thrive as you learn to take all of the hurt, guilt, shame, ect... and place it squarely on the person who abused you (where it has always belonged)

Take care,

TJ jeff