annual depression

annual depression
M

mphsrvivor

Registrant
Hello again. Its been a while since I visited here last. Ive avoided this site because it was just easier to go through each day that way. Its funny sometimes how life can take you by the collar and shake the shit out of you whether you want it to or not.

Every year starting about this time and lasting until the first of the new year, I board my emotional rollercoaster and settle in for a long and bumpy ride. Each year the ride gets worse and worse. Last year I broke my hand from my anger and so far things arent looking to be any easier this year. Ive already hit what feels like bottom again although I know Im not there yet.

During these times, I want to remove myself from my life (I mean isolate) and not have anything to do with my family, friends, or co-workers. I want to be a hermit that is out of touch with the rest of the world. I cant do this so I am stuck living out each day in what seems to be a combination of agony, terror, anger, loathing, and resent.

I saw my T again a couple of weeks ago and he suggested I see a psychiatrist to discuss antidepressants. My appointment is today. Hopefully some good will come from this. It really scares me to think of going through the next few months feeling the same as Ive felt for the last 4.

I dont really know why Im writing this here. Theres not really anything any of you can do except say positive things. Although those are good gestures, they dont do much for actually easing the pain in my head. Im not sure what would help and I dont know what else to do.
 
I can understand what you are saying; I go throug points like that myself. I have never been able to link it to the time of my abuse, but maybe it does have something to do with it.

Thanks for sharing!!!
 
Patrick,

I dont really know why Im writing this here. Theres not really anything any of you can do except say positive things. Although those are good gestures, they dont do much for actually easing the pain in my head.
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True so far as it goes, my friend. It really is up to the individual survivor to take the necessary steps and confront his issues. No one else can do that for him.

But is that as far as it goes? I don't think so. By relating to other survivors we see that we are not alone, that recovery is possible, and that for the boy so horribly betrayed years ago this is not the end of the story.

Keep talking bro, and it won't be the end of yours either.

Much love,
Larry
 
Patrick,

I can relate to what you are saying. Winter always seem to be a difficult time of the year for me. As a young boy I used to love the snow! I used to shovel snow in the neighborhood to make some pocket money. One day, I knocked on the wrong door; my life has never been the same.

The last few winters have not been great but they have been much better than they used to be. Hang in there Patrick, things do get better!

Recovery is Possible!

Brian
 
Everyone says recovery is possible. I too have made that statement from time to time as I felt better with myself. But what really is there to look forward to with all of this? That sometime down the road the days where I feel normal and can function will outnumber the days where I have to look through a window stained with all kinds of fucked up stuff just to see the world? Is that really the best I can hope for? This stuff is going to be here day in and day out forever. It won't go away. It can't and that is not what I expect it to do. I'm just so fucking tired of having to weave my life around all of the abuse crap to try to achieve some level of recovery.

I have spent over 4 years actively working my way through recovery and I'm glad I have but I'm getting tired of having it right there in my face day in and day out. It isn't just the memories of the abuse but also the effects it had on my life that show up daily. Then, as if the daily acknowledgements weren't enough, every once in a while, the whole things has to come crashing down again. Even though the abuse has ended, the actions of that son of a bitch still have the power to reach out to me and fuck me up all over again.

And..it's not just me who has to deal whith my past. It's my family's burden as well...I have put my wife through all kinds of hell over the last few years as I try to handle this stuff. Last winter was especially tough (broke my hand out of anger) and I don't see this one being any easier.
 
My time is the end of September .What I try and do is to go fishing or work on some of the things thst I enjoy . I collect license plates .It helps keep my mind on things that are enjoyable to me .
 
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