angry confused need advice before i explode
i dont noe wat to do, it seems as if my family(Dad and Stepmom) dont trust me. I feel that they think im still a little kid, and cant take care of myslef. Well where were they, especailly my dad when i was beign abused by my mom. How can he after screwing up so bad think that he has any right to say I have to earn my trust? How am i suppose to earn the trust of someone I don't trust. How am i suppose to earn the respect of someone i dont respect? Im 18 and in college, but im not allowed to act liek a college kid. Maybe the reason we all have a hard time acting normal is because we're never treated that way? My dad and stepmom never really let me go out. When my friends could stay out as late as they wanted, i had to be back at 12. When i turned 18 it became one. Which if anyoen who goes out knows its still early. Im now in college and still have a one in the morning curfew. I have felt caged all my life, by my abuser and my family. And whenever im really allowed out, i take advantage of it to the fullest because i feel i might as well have fun while i can. They tell me im suppose to be apart of the family team, and by doing that I'll prove im mature and grownup enough to have freedom. My family consists of a Dad whos never home, and who has an explosive anger, we've been in a fist fight. A stepmom who though i know loves me, never will trust me, or really love me as her son. Her son my stepbrother had his father abandon him, and was spoiled as hell got everything he ever wanted possibly and no degree of misbehavior ever warranted beign punished although my slightest indescretions are huge deals. An older sister, who left home for college, broke down went to a hospital, recoverd partially from all the abuse and never comes home because she knows as well as i do that the family is shitty and dysfunctional, and does not really help someone like us who i believe need to be in less stressful environments. Also my little sister who has a lot of the same problems as i do. ANd my baby sister, who i absolutly adore and is the onyl person in the hosue who i really have absloute patience for. My home is suffocating and i cant stand it. BUt still im tied here because i ahve to go to college and i cant afford it by myslef. In my life, i have been in one accident both mine and the other drivers fault(i was on a road my dad told me not to drive on), went to visit suny albany and almsot died of alcohol poisioning, got two speeding tickets 85 in 30 and 87 in 55. Drove home one time after smoking an hour before and my rents found out. Left porn on computer by accident. Still my dad and stepmom think im a really bad kid, hwo has to be grounded all the time. How am i suppose to survive in this house were im constatnyl yearning to be free, and i feel my dad and stepmom wont let me. I know they think they are doing the best thing they can for me. How am i suppose to build realitonships if they wont let me out? HOw am i suppose to know hwo to act liek an adult, when im not allowed to experince anything? For me it seems that i cant take anyones word for things that happened. I generally have to try them out myslef. I also usually do things i noe are wrong till i learn my lesson one way or another. I dont noe how to handle this, I dont know how to respect someone who in so many ways doesnt deserve it. Why am i working for someones respect and trust, when they broke it by not protecting me as a child and still hasnt earned it back in my eyes? Why should i start giving and being a giver, when my entire childhood was taken from me and my entire life has been affected drastically by others? Why arent we ever allowed to take? I feel i need a balance with so much being taken, i feel owed so much and maybe its a bottomless pit that i just need to learn to close off but how do i do that? I dont know. My dad tells me that if i dont stop being an ass that hes going to kick me out of the house, he cant take me anymore? WHY DOES NO ONE STICK AROUND, WHY DO THEY ALL ABANDON ME, WHY AM I ALWAYS ALONE? PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME BEFORE I GET MYSLEF KICKED OUT OF THE HOUSE.( a part of me wants to be kicked out, id be free, but i love my family and i dont want our realtionship to be ruined b.c i cnat take them anymore, my frinds who know my whole deal also think my rents are nuts and that i need to get out) AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, i dont know what to do, and i think im going to get kicked out i dont knwo is that the best thing for me, is my family in many ways a parasite that wont let me live, or am I so used to struggiling to stay a float that even when someone is trying to rescue me i bat away their hands, what do i do please help