angry at the wrong people

angry at the wrong people
K

KDW78

Registrant
Hey

I find myself becoming angry at people for silly or simple reasons. I still can't be mad at my abuser, but everyone else is pissing me off. Its been this way my whole life. I get mad at people for not understanding things right away, what I called being stupid. I get mad at people for a lack of, well perfection, or at least the attempt at being better than the day before. I know its impossible to be perfect, I don't mean it literally. I just need to vent. Its fells as if, because I have survived so long with this pain I believe I'm better than them. They whine constantly and all I can think is "you call that a problem, thats not a problem" and I sit all day thinking, Never speaking,lost in my own mind, I can't voice my anger. I use to think that is because I was weak, or a bad person. I just want to scream it out loud, scream at them. I want understanding and I'm frustrated at the world for not giving it to me. guess thats why I'm here. searching for understanding. A way to get away from anger that has filled me for as long as I can remember. I go from anger to fear, like I'm a child again and I just want to curl up into a hole and hide. Is this a panic attack, is that what I'm experinecing. The worst is that I feel like my whole life has been a lie. That I was suppose to be someone else, and that son of a bitch stole my life from me. That everything I've done, all I've seen, all the souls I touched, they never met me. They meet a person who looks like me and smiles at them, makes them laugh, but its not me. I don't know who "ME" even is. Then, even as I write this, the feeling of "quite whining and making excuses for your fuck ups" pops into my head.

I glad I found this place, I think its helping me to let go of my misplaced rage.
 
You have every right to be angry.

Much of my anger was directed at my parents, who failed miserabely to protect me when I was 9 years old. I addressed this anger by writing a scathing letter of indictment to my parents to whom I've recently disclosed of the abuse I went through.

I'm trying to move on from the anger stage of my recovery though........I see no use for it anymore. I'm ready to move on.
 
KD,

I believe accepting imperfection can be a great asset in life, as it makes us humble, knowing we are all Gods creations. And judging His other creations as imperfect we are simply judging Him.
His creations are imperfect so that we can learn to perfect our soul, that is by learning to love perfectly and once we do that nothing really matter, we see them as a part and parcel of our journey and our learning curve, and that gratitude is a great stress reliever in life.

so now let me start by asking you a few questions...How do you handle your own apparent lack of perfection, as in whining and not doing things perfectly or may being stupid at times, chances are you might be treating yourself the same way you treat others as that is an important maxim in self discovery.


I believe, what you dont like in others is what you dont like hence haven't accept in yourself.

Accept one and you have accepted both.

It is ok to be imperfect for that is the whole part of this journey, to lead imperefct lives and still learn to love perfectly, openly.

And one more you think you have a right to judge others just because been thru 'tuffer' problems in life, believe me no life is trouble free as we all have to work out our karma and learn from it, so there is no comparison of any sorts.

though I wouldn't say all this is your fault, this is one of your coping mechanism, just as sarcasm is for many, a way of getting back the world, and you learn to vent your anger in the right way and to the right person you will no longer feel the urge to be perefect yourself and expect others to be so too.

NOw first question you need to ask your self, Do you feel your life or you are imperfect or what part of life do you feel is imperfect?

Believe me nothing is imperefct in your life or others it is just thepart we are playing in each others life scripts.

And anger, well it will fade away as you work out your acceptance issues. Accept what you cant accept now, without judgement and set your self free.

One last thing, no life is less important or less difficult than ours, ours is just what we proposed as a soul to grow through.
The important thing is to grow thru life experiences and not remian stuck or start defining our life by them.

So learn what they propose to teach us emphatically or implicitly, just remember these are just learning grounds, the earth, and you visit here just when you feel like learning some more. And you know what are we all here to learn - Who we really are and to love.

And our life is what will teach us that when we allow it to.
 
To Morningstar

Thank you for all your advice, I guess I can say that I've forgiven myself, but it is obvious that I have more realization and healing to attend too. I'm seeking counseling now, hoping that professional treatment will add me in my recovery. But it feels like I haven't even begun to recover, only opened up old wounds. (sounds familiar, huh)
I'm a problem solver, I enjoy it, maybe thats why I want to recover so bad, fix the problem. Just the way I was raised really. Still thank you for your reply. I could use all the help I can get.
 
KDW78,
Go easy on yourself. Your anger and frustration are not unexpected given the circumstances. I have absolutely no doubt that the professional counselling you are seeking will be a great benefit to you. Peace, Andrew
 
When I found out that the molestation had caused me to act as I had most of my life I got very PO'd. I put the blame for what he did back on him, took it off of me (years of counseling) and I soon found myself looking at others in a different light. I had always thought others were not smart or quick with a response and I could not stand them, I always had a hurtful word on the tip of my tongue, I thought they were stupid. I was actually trying to correct the molested brain, my problem, and in turn took it out on others, trying to help them achieve perfection as if I would correct the wrong in myself. Wanting the world to be perfect, but it was really me, trying to fix the inside, the molestation. In Survivior mode I quit trying to fix the world, I saw everything different, I took the plank out of my eye, the negative I saw in myself had me seeing everything and everyone in a negative light. When I took the negative glasses off and started seeing postive that is what I saw "Positive." Time is the key and therapy will help, don't give up hope. Everything you are feeling is normal for a person that has been SA. I am so thankful you posted, it let me know that I am not alone. I did everything you have mentioned.

Thanks
 
KDW78,

You wrote "I guess I can say that I've forgiven myself". May I ask what you have to forgive yourself for? The way I see it you have nothing to forgive. You are a victim of a sexual predator and it is he who bears full responsibility for his actions and its effects on you.

If you play the "what if" game and apply adult reasoning to your actions as a child you will drive yourself nuts. Check out some of the other posts around here. It's a common theme among survivors. Just a thought.

Glad you posted. Hope you will continue to do so. You've found a safe place at MS. Welcome.

Regards,

Zipser
 
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