Angrey at myself for the past

[smc1972]

New here in that really only started posting things this month. I had joined months ago but did not have the courage to post. Now that I have and have and received some messages I am now feeling like I can open up more.

I guess what I have kept to myself is the anger I have to wears myself for feeling things when things happened to me with my parents. It is so hard to say but like wanting to have sex with them and being aroused when things happened, I tell myself I was a kid and hormones played a part when older. But even when I realized this was not right or normal I still was responding. I know for guys erections happen and it was not my fault but I blame myself.

Now in my 40's I don't find pleasure or enjoyment I just tell myself I shou,d have said something. I should not have let myself want to do things. I have not really had long good relations. Memories or flashbacks have occurred in my past and to be blunt I needing them to get off then I felt sick. How can I be so messed up why can't I just put that in my past.

I have made an appointment with a psychiatrist for the first time as I can't keep going like this. However I honestly don't know if I can admit all this to someone face to face.

Life just sucks.

 

[KMCINVA]

SMC1972

I am so sorry to hear what you have been through. Your parents crossed the line and what they did was reprehensible. I know it is hard but remember it was not your fault and you need to get rid of the guilt and shame. You have the right to enjoy life.

I have learned on my own healing journey from seminars and sessions I have attended and from others here at MS, parents can cross the boundaries in many ways, sexual--physically or emotionally is the worse but in the end excessive crossing of other inappropriate actions damages the child emotionally and psychologically. Many parents see a child as an extension of themselves, sharing with them inappropriate information, topics that are adult only,confiding in them as though they are their peer creating obligations and inappropriate physical touching and abuse. Sadly, many parents see nothing wrong with this behavior. It creates for many a co-dependent relationship and for you thoughts of what you want to do with them is the result of their actions. You need to feel separated from your parents and what they did is their shame.

I am glad you are seeking help. Interview your psychiatrist to learn his/her expertise in your issues. It is important if he/she is to help you. You have taken a brave step by sharing here.

I wish you the best and I am sorry you have suffered so much. Thank you for sharing with us.

Kevin

 

[Duckie]

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[Nothing Man]

Hi.

My mother was one of my several perps so I can certainly identify with what you are saying. I am so sorry that you were abused when you were young and vulnerable, and by the very people who were supposed to protect you from harm rather than doing it themselves. Keep talking, keep posting, it all helps. Like iaccus I too have a therapist (he specializes in adult survivors of CSA) and a psychiatrist. Recovery and life is definitely possible.

 

[Robert1000]

Let me just add how powerful and terrible the shame cycle can be. When stuff like this happens to us when we're young, we find all kinds of ways to cope. One thing I did was choose to blame myself, because that was in a way safer than believing that other people who were close to me and responsible for me were capable of abusing/hurting me.

Here's the problem with the shame cycle. It needs to be reinforced all the time for it to stay relevant. And that means we find ourselves as adults doing things that revolt us BECAUSE those things revolt us. It may be that you're aroused by certain things. Whatever. We're all wired the way we're wired, and that's great. Over time you'll learn that you can accept those things about yourself. Hell, I don't mean to be crass, but at some point I hope you can have FUN with it. You have every right to. You're a human with all the aspects of humanity, and there's nothing wrong with that.

That said, with therapy, you can start to process those events in your life that are haunting you. I'm glad you've started. I'm proud of you for doing it. Like you, I struggled for decades... until my late 30s... with the truths that I couldn't say. I've finally been able to be open about it. Hell, I don't tell people. I'm not crazy. My wife knows. My therapist knows. My doctor knows. And that's about it. And THIS COMMUNITY knows. For me, that's a healthy circle of people. I'm able to process things, discuss things and work things through in a healthy and positive way. Good luck to you, brother. Like my friends above said, you're not alone. We're here together. We're all members of this weird little unspeakable club, and I say that with respect and affection.

Keep healing. Keep trying. You're making progress, and that's really all you need to do.

Bob

 

[smc1972]

To everyone thank you so much. I am sitting here in tears this is so draining. I appreciate your stories yo know I am not alone and your willingness to support me. I struggle with my thoughts of the past not wanting to blame my parents but I do. How do you stop the thiughts? I am sure there is no way I can ever talk to my parents about this cause I just so no need in hurting them at there age. I live several states away which I think is good.

I appreciate all the comments on therapy which I have done in my 20's for other issues. I am sure this was part of my issues but I really did not think about back then. It took my a long time just to open up back then and this I think is way worse.

 

[smc1972]

I don know why all this is coming up so strong now. As I mentioned I am anti depressants and Friday I saw my GP and she prescribed Ambein so I can sleep. I have not been sleeping for a few weeks cause my mind won't stop. Of corse I was to ashamed to tell her why which just makes me feel worse.

I have so many thought, questions, concerns going through my head. In the past I manged to just ignore them. The embarssement and guilt seems to be the worse right now.

 

[Duckie]

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[Bluedogone]

It's a real bummer that the self-blame and shame are coming on so strong right now. It's good to see your GP has prescribed something for sleep, and I hope getting some rest will help in a small way so you can better cope with all the other stuff you're dealing with. There's no reason that she needs to know the why, so try not to be too hard on yourself for that.

Please remember you deserve pleasure and enjoyment in spite of what your parents may have done to get this idea off track.

Best wishes as you begin with the psychiatrist. It may take a while to begin seeing results, but they do come.

 

[Robert1000]

Here's something to think about: thoughts are just thoughts. I know they're painful, and they can really freak us out. I used to get the most bizarre and disgusting thoughts, and I would then dwell on how sick I was. Sometimes I would try so hard to make them stop, like I'd repeat a phrase over and over in my head to try to drown out my thoughts. It was maddening, and it didn't work.

Later, a therapist told me that the thoughts aren't as important as actions. Thoughts come and go, but it's what you do that counts. It really helped me to distinguish the relative importance of things that were troubling me. With some perspective it actually became much easier for me to be the person I want to be, to do the things I want to do, and the thoughts faded to a fraction of what they used to be.

I really feel your pain. It sounds terrible. I know it may sound like something in the distant future when you want relief now, but you're on the right path and it will get better. It really will.

Good luck, brother. I'm afraid as the therapy gets going on your CSA the flashbacks and thoughts might get worse. They did for me. And at times it really scared me, but that uptick didn't last very long, and now things are WAY WAY better. Take it easy. Take it slow. There's no rush. It's really important to stay healthy and take it one step at a time. Take care. Bob

 

[smc1972]

Sorry to not have responed sooner to everyone's post. I appreciate the advice and support this is all still confusing and difficult for me. It is the conflicts inside that are the hardest and is what I struggle with. I will say now that I have used some of the sleep medication I have gotten rest at night though I feel bad I need to use them.

I do wish to wrap my head around things to move on and get past the things.

 

[Carries The Fire]

I know I am reviving an old thread here, but the way I have accepted this is, I look at my body as 2 different components, body and mind, both are required to function these machines that we live in.

Best way to describe this for me is basically, the body says yes, and the mind screams no (when you knew something was not right), but in these circumstances the body over rules the mind, due to the "stimulation" and which very few people could, can control!

 

[justplainme]

there is no shame is wanting to be healthy, you are not sick by your own hand, remember someone did this to you. But now you have the power back, and you can live a happy fulfilling life.

 

[Carries The Fire]

^^^ Justplainme great words! wise words! Take that to heart, this was forced upon you, and not endured willingly.

"But now you have the power back, and you can live a happy fulfilling life."sorry, dont know how to steal your quote, and paste it as others have done!

 

[intochange]

This may seem trite, but honestly and with support walking into telling your story is like walking into Joseph Conrad's book called "Into The Heart of Darkness."

 

[intochange]

With psychiatric supervision I take antidepressants in the morning and a different one at night. The night time pill really shuts my mind down so I can visit Prospero's world for a few CONSECUTIVE hours of sleep. Exercise, meditation, being with other than family at social events and content to wait to see if someone wants to talk to me.
I am a much healthier guy now than I was two years ago. Long journey but two steps back and one forward leaves me one step ahead, and I' m satisfied with that. No laurels really to rest upon, just the knowledge that none of it was my fault and that helps me to deal with years of ingrained shame and guilt.