Angery
There are people who tell me I am good or decent person, and I usual not believe of that. But I need to post of something that has me very angry, and it probable show that to be wrong, I do not feel decent to have this feeling. I usual never feel anger of anyone but myself.
But I have few people tell me, since this bad thing happen last weekend. One tell me I am wrong to not tell therapist about it this week. I know that I must tell her of it, I was not ready to this week, appointment was only few days after this happen. Feel like she say that I not doing what I need to to make things better. And then there are few people, they tell me only, 'you should not go out at bars by yourself'. How stupid I be not to know that now? Do these people think I will go out to bar next day, just to see what happen? And if they not think that, do they say it at me as it is my fault? It feels as it is some blame at me, because I be there. That I make this happen, I bring this at myself, because I be there. I already feel of this blame and guilt, why it is they feel need to say that?
Three people who say this at me, they are female. But, how it be if it is reverse. What if what happen, it happen at woman? If woman go out by self, and someone put drug in her drink and do bad things at her, and I say 'oh, you should not go out alone' or 'oh, you should not wear short skirt if you go out'. What then? People would be mad at me, tell me I am horrible person, treat me as sh*t. But, because I am man, I am responsible of this? Because I am man, and supposed of being in control of things, it is my fault? That I put this at myself? What is difference, because of gender? Does it make it less bad that it happen at man? Does it make me more responsible of it than some woman would be? That is what I feel, and it make me angry.
So, if I am man, and I am in control and responsible of myself, then I want all this, right? Why is that? That if it happen at woman, oh, you are victim, if it happen at man, you are idiot?
Hating this, hating people, hating myself right now.
Leosha
But I have few people tell me, since this bad thing happen last weekend. One tell me I am wrong to not tell therapist about it this week. I know that I must tell her of it, I was not ready to this week, appointment was only few days after this happen. Feel like she say that I not doing what I need to to make things better. And then there are few people, they tell me only, 'you should not go out at bars by yourself'. How stupid I be not to know that now? Do these people think I will go out to bar next day, just to see what happen? And if they not think that, do they say it at me as it is my fault? It feels as it is some blame at me, because I be there. That I make this happen, I bring this at myself, because I be there. I already feel of this blame and guilt, why it is they feel need to say that?
Three people who say this at me, they are female. But, how it be if it is reverse. What if what happen, it happen at woman? If woman go out by self, and someone put drug in her drink and do bad things at her, and I say 'oh, you should not go out alone' or 'oh, you should not wear short skirt if you go out'. What then? People would be mad at me, tell me I am horrible person, treat me as sh*t. But, because I am man, I am responsible of this? Because I am man, and supposed of being in control of things, it is my fault? That I put this at myself? What is difference, because of gender? Does it make it less bad that it happen at man? Does it make me more responsible of it than some woman would be? That is what I feel, and it make me angry.
So, if I am man, and I am in control and responsible of myself, then I want all this, right? Why is that? That if it happen at woman, oh, you are victim, if it happen at man, you are idiot?
Hating this, hating people, hating myself right now.
Leosha
