Angered, then sickened (TW, feelings of isolation)

Angered, then sickened (TW, feelings of isolation)
K

Kenneth Henderson

Registrant
After I was r***d at the age of 13, nobody seemed to care, or believe me, it was easy to believe I was making this up, or trying to get attention.

The worst part was not only did my family not support me, my own mother refused to believe, accept, or acknowledge what happened, even after I told her my stepfather, who recently married my mother, insisted that I touch his penis, to the point of physically taking my hand, and placing it on his member.

We very rarely if we talk about that at all, but what was worse was a few years later, in 1990 she asked me regarding my r**e, "You weren't really raped were you?"

When I told her infacticly YES, she responded by saying "Well if that was the case, the only thing I can say is, he should have finished the job and put you out of yours, and my misery by killing you."

I became violently sick, all I could do was run into the bathroom to vomit.

Over the years I often wonder am I being overly sensitive, or are my reactions understandable? I still wonder some 30 years later.
 
Kenneth Henderson said:
Over the years I often wonder am I being overly sensitive, or are my reactions understandable? I still wonder some 30 years later.
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No, you're not being overly sensitive. The reaction by your mother was and is and always will be horrible, truly horrible. Instead of helping you, believing you and supporting you, she failed you completely.
 
when I told my mom some 15 years after the fact her response to me was " oh" and then she followed with " why are you telling me now?"... I thought that was awful and i didn't know what to even do with it. as a rule i try not to compare our stories because it is generally not helpful at all but hearing what your mother said, makes me nauseous even from here it is amazing how insensitive the parents can be. some without thinking ...others with intention. I am so sorry that happened to you. you deserve much more.
 
What she said was not just insensitive, it was horrible and in my book makes her almost complicit with him in regard to what happened. The lack of recognition, compassion, and empathy she should have felt for you, and the lack of anger she should have felt toward your stepfather is inexcusable. I don't completely understand the dynamic that goes on with our moms in this scenario. Same for you @newground. You all deserve much more than what your mom gave. I did as well. My mom - while not my advocate, while not able to help me, and while encouraging me to sweep the abuse under the carpet and move on - she at least demonstrated some things that made me feel like she wasn't in complete denial.

There motherly dynamic is not discussed here often, but I have often wondered about it. The only way I can get any read on it is to try and put myself in my mom's position. So picture this, if you can: you fell in love with and married a man, and had children together. While you love your kids and have motherly instincts towards them, your first love is your husband and he meets many of your needs - both emotional and practical ones. However, over the years, you find sometimes your husband seemingly puts more affection and emotional towards your kids than he does toward you. But rather than this raising warning flags about your kids' safety with him, it causes you insecurity and jealous feelings towards your kids. Years of feeling this go by. Then that kid or kids, who stole your husband's affection from you, tells you that their dad sexually abused them. In that moment you also realize that that kid not only robbed you of affection from your husband, but also robbed you of intimacy and sex with him. The resentment grows and overpowers any nurturing, protective feelings you have towards your kids. It's a continual struggle - both of those feelings competing with each other. And sometimes the nurturing, protective feelings win out. But most of the time, because we are all self-centered by nature, the feelings of resentment win out. I think this dynamic is at play for most of us.
 
Overly sensitive? What a sickening, selfish thing for a mother to say to her child.
 
Wow, that makes my parents look good by comparison. I have effectively cut my parents out of my life for far less. But I decided that it wasn't healthy for me to be in contact with them and have really pulled back. I am so much happier and feel stronger.

Whatever you feel toward the adults who hurt you is completely justified.
 
I agree with everyone above. What your mom said is horrible. I can think of much worse things to say about that but I won't. I can only image that would be devastating to hear whether you are a child or an adult. Just really a WTF moment. I am so sorry she said that to you. Its times like this that I wish I could help but all I can do is say I feel your pain. Do you have any sort of relationship with your mother now? Do you have any siblings? On a side note I believe the word you were looking for is "emphatically".
 
That's part of my problem, after my stepfather died, in jail my mother started becoming weaker, and sick, which she has had more than 20 surgeries, she has none problems, and I moved her in with me, I couldn't just leave her out there struggling, and was hoping that things would change and look up for us.

More than 20 years later, she's still here with me, reminding me everyday of how ashamed she is of me, that I have no value, and she's the best thing that happened in my life.

So after some years of hearing that, I began doubting myself, condemning myself, and feeling guilty for the hell I put my family through.

That's where I'm at now I guess, her with health problems, and me with seizures, heart problems, and a kidney stone former.

Sometimes I feel there's no escape, I wake up nights screaming, or crying, and I go to bed crying.

So with that load I'm carrying, and being 53, I sometimes see no hope for me.

All I want is to feel loved, and safe which the last time I felt that way was in 1998, I guess I'm just tired of the whole thing, very tired.
 
@Kenneth Henderson Please don't give up hope. My life didn't significantly get better until I was about 58. Then it became a cannon ball.

It is exhausting. Especially when changes are so small. But every step forward is in the right direction.

How can you learn to love yourself. I recently found a path to love the kid in my avatar. He was someone I held in distain forever. But I found a way in. Seek out the versions of you that you hate, they need you, be their friend & mentor.

And I agree with everything that was said above.
 
Sometimes I feel as if I should stop reading these forums. What do I have to complain about when I see the kind of abuse others endured. I was never physically hurt, I was never forced in the sense of being physically restrained or pushed into doing something. My abuse was more of the mind, a subtle, gentle manipulation of my mind, heart and soul , and then my body. Yet it is still so painful, humiliating and shameful. Kenneth I am so sorry for what you have been thru and what you must live with today. I hope that you can find some peace here.
 
Michael1959 said:
Sometimes I feel as if I should stop reading these forums.
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I am have the same issue. I often compare my abuse to other's abuse and feel totally out of place here. My abuse was not as severe but I suffer all the same problems. Its sad that I can be jealous of other people's abuse because its WORSE than mine. It does not make any rational sense. I struggle with this every day. But I keep telling myself, don't compare traumas.
 
Kenneth that certainly puts you in a tough situation. Another good topic to cover with your T. He/she might be able to suggest some things to help you make it better. Maybe.
 
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