Anger

Anger
Y

yesac76

Registrant
I have always been a little angry over what happened to me. At my therapy session last week, Dave suggested I write a letter to my abuser. I waited five days to begin the letter.
I was shocked by my reacton to writing the letter. I found a deep well of anger I did not know existed. I felt rage and hate boil from the pit of my stomach. I wanted to kill. Not hurt, KILL!!!!!! I have never been a violent man, but I wanted my abuser's blood on my hands, literaly. I was too angry to finish writing the letter. I paced outside of my English class (I usually write for an hour before English) Whenever I get angry, I can talk myself down and into a happier mind set. Nothing worked. I was still fuming when I went to bed, and I had very violent dreams.
Dave asked me about the letter, and I explained what had happened. I then read him the letter, and the anger rose again, not as sharp, but still enough to scare me. Dave and I decided now is not the time to consider contacting my abuser.
I honestly feel I could take the life of my abuser. I am terrified of this part of myself. How could I live with myself if I did actually do something to him?
Did any og you brothers ever feel like this? Is this extreme hatred normal? ANy adivce on how to deal with it? Thank you for listening!
Casey :mad: :confused: :mad:
 
Yes, it is normal. I know for a fact that I could not take a life, any life, even the one of the person who did this to me. However, I do not have any respect for that thing beyond it's right to breathe. I have felt pity for it at times, and when I realize that I am, it makes me angry to think that I have.
 
Before any confrontation, it is VERY important to have goals and work on the safest way to do this (if it actually the best thing to do).

Print out this article and share it with your therapist. It can give you some ideas about how to proceed.

https://www.malesurvivor.org/Survivors/Adult%20Survivors/Articles/singer3.htm

Ken
 
I felt rage off and on for years. Sometimes, however, it was unfocused, seemed to be aimed at no one in particular so I ended up turning it on myself. Sometimes, it was aimed at a particular person but I was not consciously aware of why.

I felt murderous rage sometimes. I don't honestly know what I would have done should the opportunity have appeared. I was certainly lucky that those several elements that would have been required did not come together at once and, not knowing exactly why I felt the way I did, that I did not seek them out.

Several years ago, I began recalling the specifics of the abuse I experienced. With the help of my T I was guided through the process, accepting the anger I felt but also moving towards a conscious awareness of its source.

I have begun to learn to acknowledge the pain that I felt when those things happened. That has allowed me to more clearly see what happened and what I was feeling at the time that, in turn, has led me towards feeling compassion for the kid I was then and the man I am today.

I continue to feel anger and think now that I always will. I now think that feeling the anger is natural. It is part of why I have put myself in a position where I can help kids who are now in the same or similar circmstances and that has helped me a lot.

I have gradually moved away from blaming my abusers (though there is no doubt in my mind about their responsibility for what happened) and have focused on dealing with the abuse symptoms I experience now.

Those were traumatic events that left me with PTSD-like symptoms. Those events to some degree arrested my emotional development. I know that for myself it is possible to move forward, to learn new ways of seeing myself and the world around me and to feel empowered and able to accept my feelings and place them in a reasonable context.
 
I have felt extreme rage... sometimes unexplained and once I recovered some of the more damaging memories, intense hatred and murderous anger toward my stepfather.

Originally posted by Brayton:
I felt rage off and on for years. Sometimes, however, it was unfocused, seemed to be aimed at no one in particular so I ended up turning it on myself. Sometimes, it was aimed at a particular person but I was not consciously aware of why.
Click to expand...
I definately directed a lot of my rage inward. I was repeatedly punished, including SA as punishment, for "talking back" (ie getting angry) as a kid, so I learned to push any anger away.

I think that is why we are so shocked when these feelings come up. We have spent years diminshing what happened to us. I wrote my abuse off as "no big deal" for years, and once I started to acknowledge that is was a very big deal, the anger started to be directed at my abuser instead of at myself or random safe people in my life that I felt it was okay to lash out at.

It is intense. Keep writing about it though. I know it is scary to feel a part of yourself so out of control with hate, but you are just making up for lost time.

PM me if you need to.

-Sean
 
I guess maybe I am not 'normal'. I do not feel anger, rage, hate, none of that. I feel sorry for them, I feel upset of what happen, and feel strange things to myself. But do not want to feel so bad of others. Maybe I do and do not know it yet. I just feel, I am better than them. I am someone who can have love, and have happiness in my life, and they will never know that. I pity them.

Andrei
 
My abuser was a family member. My pain has caused pain for everyone. My anger would only tear this family apart even more! It is a strange feeling to love your abuser, miss him, respect his accomplishments in life, and know that he sees NOTHING wrong with the pain he inflicted on me. There will be no bloodshed, I just wish I knew what had happened to him to make him feel that his abuse was ok.

I have written hateful, nasty letters, and burned them. It makes me feel better to get it our, even if just a little at a time.

TeeJay
 
I definately felt this way at one point. In fact there are still days that I feel like really going out and helping society by getting rid of this person. When my mom was killed in the car accident he was driving, I felt that anger again and that one I'm still trying to deal with.

I remember being with a friend who kept urging me to buy a gun for protection and I told him you don't understand, if I buy a gun, I will go shoot my abusers. I still don't own a gun to this day as I'm afraid of what I might do with it. Fortunately they are many miles from me so I don't have to worry about seeing them.

There is definately no rush to confront your abusers either. That may or may not come in time but only when you are ready for it. Don't hurry that one along.

Don
 
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