Anger

[muffin]

hi folks,

Briefly, my story. My mom was a great mom until I was 13, then became terrible. She wanted me as her confidant, she made long phone calls to make me listen to her breathing, and eventually she started touching me inappropriately. At one point she got on top of me in bed and rubbed her clit on me till she was done. I was hiding my face and praying it would stop. When I told her to stop, she kicked me out of the house and had me committed to a mental hospital on false pretenses. I was 16.

Ok, my question. I've done alright in life to this point; I'm married, a kid, stable. My problem is that I'm angry a lot of the time. My mom came out to see the kid, and tried to hurt him, so I am not letting her see him ever again. I don't know whether she wanted to hurt him to get back at me, or to be "close" to him because that's what love means to her, but anyway, he deserves better.

I just want to know how to let go of the anger. I hate walking around with it. Today my wife made a totally innocent comment and I responded really meanly, and I felt terrible. The summer is especially hard because my job is more solitary, and that often leads me to bad moods.


thanks.

 

[outis]

Muffin,

I carried a lot of anger for a long time. Even before I disclosed the sexual abuse to my wife, even before we started working together on our marriage, I had moments when I could tell I was unreasonably angry and directing it to her.

I don't really know how to get it out in a healthy way yet. Now I'm working on identifying it, where it comes from, and why. As I get clearer on that, I hope I'll be able to direct my anger in constructive ways to change the things that anger me. In terms of my marriage that would be changing my reactions to things, not trying to change my wife.

Actually, I think that Al Anon and Survivors of Incest Anonymous have helped me a lot. I can hear other people who come from backgrounds and experiences similiar to mine. They discuss things that they struggle with, and ways they find to get through those things.

And now I'm really on a roll again. This board is very helpful. All the guys that I've met in the MaleSurvivor cyber-neighborhood. And guys I didn't meet, because they're not coming round much anymore. I've been looking back through old posts on these boards. Just because I never emailed some of those guys myself doesn't mean I can't go back to learn from their words, too.

Not sure if any of this will help, so as we say in Al Anon, take what you like and leave the rest.

Joe

 

[Sans Logos]

muffin,

I am enraged to read your story.

Your anger is justified. Honor this anger. Don't believe for a moment that this anger is innapropriate.

Warn everyone whom you love about this anger, as if you were a leper coming down the street, giving everyone a heads up.

In the words of John Gorka:

"This sudden loneliness has made me dangerous,
please don't watch me while I fall apart
Cause I'm sad and I'm angry and armed with a broken heart."

Your life as a child was derailed. Be angry!
You were raped! Be angry!
You had the precious gift of your awesome sexuality taken without your permission. Be very angry!
You will never be able to recover a part of you that was lost as you possesed it in its original form. Be sad.................

But find good ways to let it out. Safe ways. Talk, write, exercise, scream into pillows. Keep coming here as your daily bread.

The dichotomy of ther MS is this: we are the most gentle men, but filled with anger at the same time, yet sharing ways to vent it constructively.

You do something very well: you admit when you have gotten carried away with your emotions. This is evidence of survival. That counts you as tall in my book. I am sure you have many other strengths to show us, and I hope that you do as you keep coming back to share your continued recovery with your brothers.


Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Ron

 

[ScottyTodd]

Muffin - I'm sorry for such the traumatic and abusive past you endured but your anger is "normal". Although it doesn't feel normal and causes a lot of trouble, it is common among sexual abuse survivors. Generally it is like a rage in that it explodes for no apparent reason from out of nowhere upon someone who doesn't deserve it! Like the guy who has a BIG problem at work, returns home only to kick the dog who comes to greet him at the front door. This is one of those "gifts" our perps left us with. I say us because it was something I had to work through too.

The best way is for you have a T. They should have the training to support you as you get out the anger. This is generally the safest way and it should not take many sessions either. No T?
Problems arise when the anger gets out of control and, having been buried deep within, yours may have gathered pressure (like a volcano) and ready to explode.

Some things I have personally used is writing a letter to my perp letting my anger spill onto the paper, then threw it away. I have torn up telephone books screaming at the perp. I have stabbed telephone book with screwdrivers yelling at the perp. I have "pumped iron" to get the stress out. But to really resolve the depth of built up anger, I would suggest a T for short term treatments.

Hope this helped! Good luck with anger resolution!

Howard

 

[Nathan LaChine]

Muffin,

I thik that alot of us have anger towards are abuse. I know for my self that I have alot of anger that I focus on my life. I am pissed for my lost childhood and it causes me to get mad really fast. My anger has been my safe place for such a long time that it is hard to get past it. I have found that if I us my anger towards working out, punching my punching bag, work harder at work to get ahead of bills, etc. If you know that you have a short fuss you might want to think for a couple of secs before answering or responding to something. Talk with your wife about your anger and brain strom together ways to deal with it.

As for your mother trying to abuse your son. In your mothers sick mind that might be the only way she knows how to show love. I am glad to see that you will not allowe her around your son every again. When I was growing up my parents took in foster children and one of them would always fight with me. I mean fight to the point of hospital trips. For this kid it was the only way he knew to show love or that he cared about you. Could be that your mother is the same way, protect your self and your family Muffin.


lots of love, Nathan

 

[muffin]

Thanks, Guys!

I really appreciate your emails, and I'm going to go over them carefully for help. I have a T, seems alright so far. It's weird, sometimes my anger is totally under control, and sometimes not. The worst part is that when I'm angry, I don't like myself very much. But I really appreciate your emails, because it helps to feel like I'm not alone. That was the worst part of the abuse, by far. Feeling totally alone, because even my mother was hurting me and I didn't think anyone would ever understand. I guess you guys know how it feels, but it sucks when you're 15 and everyone starts asking each other "What was your first sexual experience?". And you're like, I got to duck out of answering this one. It's just sometimes when I think about what she did, I just feel really sick. I had to control my anger, because I wanted to finish high school. The only time I let it show, I punched a hole in the wall, and my mom tried to use that against me, like I should be forcibly medicated because I was out of control. I had to stay cool. I guess I feel the most angry when I think of myself the way you guys see me -- from the outside. Looking at a kid getting treated that way, really pisses me off. Anyway, thanks. I guess we are brothers.