Anger

Anger
H

Happenstance

Registrant
I have found, over the past month and a half or so, that my rage becomes uncontrollable. My wife presses me to talk to her, but only after she has had too much to drink, which is often. I know she has a problem, she knows she has a problem, we all have a fricking problem. Here's the deal; she only drinks after the kids go to bed, and she never drinks during the day. Other thing, she was molested by her grandfather when she was a kid(10 - 14 years old). She says she is fine with what happened, as she says she has come to terms with it and focuses now on me and her(our)son. For those not familiar with my situation, Doe(my step-son) was molested by his baseball coach. I got it from a male babysitter in Stuttgart, Germany.

Now, the rest of the problem: my wife gets jealous when she drinks. Her jealousy is centered on Doe and I talking to each other about our problem and not to her. I have told her I could not yet tell her what was bothering me about the disturbing similarities between what happened to Doe and what happened to me. I try not to think about any of it, because when she pushes me, keeps needling me to talk, I start punching. Not her or the kids, I have enough prescense of mind to not do that. However, the poor cabinet in the garage has a rather wounded look to it, as do my knuckles.

It gets to the point where I just can't stand the thought of any of it anymore, and I snap. I know, I know, therapy. Not only will it be good for me but it will be good for Doe to see me doing it. Money is too tight this close to Christmas for me to go skipping off to a therapist, though. And, last time I went, they wanted to prescribe me pills. I don't want pills. I want both of those bastards gone from my head.

Sometimes I find myself making a fist in front of my forehead and then flinging away what I hope I managed to capture inside that fist. Sometimes that works, other times I think of how psycho I probably look and all it does is give me the shivers. What the frig is wrong with me? Am I finally cracking up? I know I need help, but with my schedule and with the lack of funds(I do have health insurance, but the co-pay is what would get us--between me and Doe, it'd be over $40.00 for one visit each, and he goes 2-3 times a month), it just does not seem feesible right now.

As far as the anger thing goes, I have tried leaving the room and cleaning, I have tried counting to 10, 20, 50...nothing works. The anger, when it peaks, is too quick and scathing. I have noticed, afterwards, how much hatred is involved with that anger, but not hatred for my wife. Even if she presses my buttons, I love her dearly, and she has heard my sob story often enough to be numb to anything else I might have to say.

Sorry for the rant, guys. I know there is nothing to be done until I go to therapy. I am just concerned about this rage thing. I try to be a happy person. But sometimes, when I get pushed, that poor fucking cabinet in the garage...it looks sadder than I do.
 
Happenstance,

I think anger is a natural part of the recovery process. Once we start thinking of the cruelty of what was done to us, and in your case also to Doe, how could we not be angry? What's important is not to get STUCK in being angry.

Would it help to stop to think what, specifically you are angry about? For example, do you think of people to blame, including yourself? Are you angry that it happened to you and now also to your stepson? And so on. This might help you by providing a focus.

On medication, I so hear you on this one! I resisted that for a long time, perhaps because I felt it would confirm me as a failure and because I had huge drug problems in my youth. But bro, if you accept medication that will reduce a lot of the emotional pressure on you and allow you to do a better job coping with other areas where your emotional energy is really needed.

One of these areas is Doe. He's 15 - what a vulnerable age! It's great he is talking to you, but he needs to see you as a male role model and a safe confidant. By safe I don't mean physically safe, but emotionally. When he sees you battering the cabinet in the garage or raging in other ways, he may feel guilty and responsible, which will increase his feelings of being a "bad boy" in all this.

I hear you on the subject of the costs of therapy, but for the time being I would suggest accepting medication and trying to let the rage out when Doe isn't around.

And talk to us here. Typing takes up energy, and that's what you need to offload. You talk about ranting. Fine. Rant away and save those knuckles! ;) We are here for you.

Much love,
Larry
 
Happenstance,

Larry gives good advice, and yes we are here for you. Go ahead and rant 'till the cows come home if need be. If you share the heavy load with us, we can help you carry it.

Telling someone has always helped me deal with the anger I have experienced. So go ahead and tell us what the F it is you are so pissed about. There are a lot of us here who will listen and respond to support you. If you don't know, just tell us what little bit you do know. If you are anything like me, once you get started, you will probably be able to tell us more than you think.

Hang in there, you have a lot of people on your side.

Darrel
 
Happenstance,

At the moment my knuckles are pretty raw ... poor wall didn't do anything to deserve it. It's just soooo hard to contain the rage when it begins to take over. The best short term fix for me has been a punching bag and exercise. You could buy a puching bag at a yardsale or a cheap one on-line. Just go into the backyard or garage and punch away. Or excercise to get out all the steam out.

And as I'm sure you know by now the long term fix will be through therapy (one-on-one and group), selfawareness, and journaling.

I'd recomend an anger management book, but personally haven't found one that was very useful. If you find one please share!! I believe someone recomended one in the book section of the discussion board. I've been meaning to pick it up.

As for what seems to be your trigger ... your wife needling you to talk with her about your abuse when she's been drinking. Hopefully when you feel comfortable and share with her what she's been asking about (when she's sober), she'll ease up on you. In the mean time, if you already haven't could you tactfully convey to her when she is sober how her behavior when she's been drinking triggers your emotional state.

Courage-Wisdom-Spirituality
 
Happenstance, The anger is there. It's part of this. Really, hitting the cabinet isn't such a bad thing, but how long can your knuckles hold out? You really are to be commended for getting rid of your anger in that way. It's not that far from ways I have seen recommended on this site. Many guys here talk about punching bags and bats on trees, etc. I myself use a big plastic lid against the garage wall. I think I do that because I can use a lot of effort, not hurt anything, and the loud noise is great. I can feel my anger flow out through that lid when it hits against that wall. It connects me to a part of this thing that I cannot connect to in any other way. Also, I think that, if you and your son both discuss the fact that anger is a normal part of your SA and that it is good to address the anger, rather than to suppress it or to view it as a weakness or something that should be avoided at all costs, you can start to be less disturbed by it and start to plan for its onset, because it comes to all of us. The punching bag option always sounds good to me. I didn't do any of this until this fall at a workshop. In fact, I thought hitting trees with bats wouldn't work for me. I did it just to see what would happen. Amazing things happened...all positive. Again, if you and your son plan a positive way to deal with something negative that has been given to you by your SA, I think it will make it less threatening to all concerned. It has certainly done that for me.
And as soon as you can see your way financially clear, please try to find a therapist. It's so important to recovery. And medications can help you through the really tough times...can help you get started. You don't have to take them forever. I have a friend who has just been taken of his meds by his therapist to see whether or not he needs them any more. He's doing fine.
Above all, you're not "snapping" when your anger strikes. You're having a natural reaction to the things that were done to you and to your son. If you plan ahead, getting that anger out can be a positive thing for you.

Bobby
 
Happenstance - No sense in me adding anything to what has been said above, good, caring advice, all of it.

But, in lieu of being able to afford therapy right now, an affordable, helpful alternative for the time being would be to read. At the top of the page here is a link entitle Bookstore. Check it out. Like this place, you will find more about not being alone in what you are experiencing. And what you read may better help you to understand what you and Doe are going through. Then you might have a better ability to explain to your wife why this is something very complex and something you feel more comfortable talking to Doe about. She could benefit from reading some of what has been written as well. I guess I'd also suggest that she could find some support on the Friends and Family forum here as well. Wishing you the best - John
 
Darrel(and everyone else)--I think I am pissed about...hell, I don't know. Maybe because of the way I turned out. I guess the things I did that during my life. I know it messed me up sexually. Anybody else here think pornography is degrading only to the person that buys it? I used to degrade myself all the time! It's the embarassing little things that you don't want to admit to anyone that screw you up. It's the things you do when you are by yourself, the shit that you hide or make excuses to yourself for. I'm not as bad as I used to be; I haven't bought a "Penthouse" in years. But I am still not happy with myself. Maybe it is because I think of my previous dependency on porn as the perp winning. Why should he still have a hook in me? Bastard probably does not even remember me.

Maybe I rage at the injustice in the world. And when we do think there is justice, it is only justice in our eyes and not the survivor's. Maybe I am pissed because my perp is still out there somewhere, screwing up more kids for all I know. Doe's perp is dead; my wife flushed him out of hiding, was on the phone with the police while she chased him down, and when the coward saw there was no way out he pulled up in front of a church and put a gun under his chin and saved Doe from ever having to see him in court. Was this justice for Doe, though? Or was that taken from him, just like his innocence?

Holy shit, I sound like a frigging movie of the week. Wonder if the Lifetime Channel would be interested.

You know, I read some of the other stories on here, and I wonder what the hell is wrong with me. Other people here have survived much worse than I ever went thru, yet here I am whining and raging and feeling sorry for myself. Hats off to Shadow; that kid is stronger than I could ever hope to be.

Is the human such a weak animal that it cannot overcome the slights of perverts and assholes? Am I really that weak? Why can't I shut it off anymore? Why do I still smell the sonofabitch?

Why do I get so angry? Sorry, Darrel. Can't answer that one. I wish I could open up and rage, but I worry, I hesitate. I hesitate as well with the therapy. Wish I knew whether I was using money as an excuse or not, although it is the truth. Doe needs the help more than I right now. Just made myself laugh with the following thought: Right now, I can't afford to heal.
 
Happenstance,

You have a lot of anger going, for yourself and for your stepson, and I can understand that. You need to face that anger and one way is to express it and let it out.

In letting the anger blow out, though, have a second look. There are parts of this anger that you feel because you are taking responsibility for things that you see as a personal shame or failing.

Porn, for example: Who here hasn't seen a Penthouse? It isn't hard-core porn, and even if it were, there are lots of guys who have resorted to porn for all sorts of reasons. It's a coping mechanism - not a very good one, but it's not something that you should beat yourself up over.

Doe: Your step-son was abused by an evil perp, not by you. A lot of parents would have trusted a kid's coach, and in taking on board some of the guilt for this you are seeing things in hindsight, which is always 20/20.

I'm not trying to minimize the importance of your anger or your right to feel it, but try to focus on now and the future - as Mike Church said once, that is where we have to live the rest of our lives. Keep your eye on your relationship with Doe. He needs you bro, and you need him.

Much love,
Larry
 
Happenstance,

I'm not sure if this is helpful or makes any sense, but I'd thought I would throw it out there. Especially since you posted that you seem to be exploring the reasons and feelings behind the anger. One piece of advice from Victims No Longer by Mike Lew has helped a lot ... I can't think my way to recovery, I can only feel my way through it (the pain).

This year in particular I've really been working on my anger. Trying to see what's behind the anger. One of the things I've managed to do is in the intensity of the moment is to release some anger, say its okay to be angry. Here's the tricky part ... then explore behind the anger to what feelings are behind the anger (while still in the intense state of emotion). I've come to realize that there are many feelings and many reasons ... not always the same thing for why I am angry at any particular moment.

My new therpaist has a better grasps of this dynamic. Her take is that my anger is my defense mechanism to protect myself from experiencing other emotions. The intense rage needs to be intense so I keep myself from feeling other negative emotions. This may make no sense, or maybe it makes a lot of sense to you. The other night when I bloodied my knuckles on the wall I searched for my other feelings behind the anger. I just went to the ground and started crying ... just sooo sad ... don't know specifically why ... the point is that I was feeling really sad but went straight to intense anger to keep myself from feeling the sadness and crying.

Again not sure if this made sense or was helpufl, but thought I'd throw it out there ...


Courage-Wisdom-Spirituality
 
Happenstance,

Rage...

I think most of us, here, can relate to it... I have gone ballistic on inanimate objects. I have destroyed so many things in a blind rage that it shames me to admit it.
Your Wife is needling you? The next time she starts-in on you, just *sigh*, and tell her! Drunk or not.
Harsh? You betcha. I'm a firm believer in the principle, "Don't ask me something you don't want an honest answer to." You can even quote her that, if you like. Then, if she still persists, well...

I am so sorry that Doe had to suffer the fact of SA... No One should ever have to endure that...

Rage...

My feelings get so intense at times that I have to self-injure, to avoid committing violence against others (even those who deserve it!). I replace my emotional pain with physical pain. I'm not suggesting this, btw. It is merely mine-own way of coping. I will wear the scars of this for the rest of my Life...

Pills...

I have sought the help of Dr.'s/Therapists for the past four years. I can honestly say they haven't done me a damn bit of good. In fact, I go to the 'newest' Group Therapy tomorrow afternoon (I tried Group, before, to no avail). Why? Because I am at the end of my rope, and am grasping at straws.
I can't say that they won't help you, though. I have spoken to many people who have found new lives with medication/Therapy. Don't dismiss this Path needlessly.

I want the Bastard's heads on a pike, too. I can't find the people who mutiliated me as a child. I can't find Sammy, the one who raped me at the age of 9. I don't know how to find the three (that all?), people who drugged/tortured/raped me at 21 years of age...
If I could, there would be a blood bathe... I would relish it!

No reason to apologize for 'ranting'. That, too, is what MS is here for.

That poor fucking cabinet in the garage will just have to handle it!

Whicker
 
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