anger towards his family (LONG!)

[The Fiance]

my husband was abused by a relative. I've known about this since we were just dating, I was the first person he ever told, and he had never actually dealt with it.
Since then he's been in therapy and he's confronted his abuser with questions he needed answers to. His answers have left me in a total shock, it turns out that all of his brothers were approached by the man, and the man's wife knew that it happened with my husband. The wife just said "i don't want to know" and never told my husbands mother, never told her husband to stay away from my husband. She just let it happen!!!!!!

One of his brothers did tell him mom that it happened. Mom asked husband "did he try this with you". husband was embarressed and said no, but then she KEPT TELLING HIM TO GO OVER TO HIS HOUSE knowing that it at least happened with her other son!!!!!!

my husband has felt guilt for all these years because he didn't sit down and tell his younger brother what happened and warn him, but at least he made sure that his mom didn't let him go over there. He never gave a reason, but he said "don't let him go there, trust me" It was the best he could do at the time without coming face to face with the issue.

I'm just totally horrified at his entire family. Husband believes his mom knew what was going on, and just didn't want to cause a confrontation. I'm horrified that a mother didn't give a damn when there were so many obvious signs that SOMETHING was wrong. I'm horrified by the abusers wife who KNEW exactly what happened and let it keep happening. I'm horrified that his big brothers never said a word, they just let it happen to their baby brother! That's what the purpose of a big brother is, to watch out for you!

Since i've learned, i haven't looked his attacker in the eye, i've only been in the room with him a few times, and after i've known about it (but before husband said anything to him), i just looked at the wall and said "hello. yes, no, fine, see ya". I haven't seen him since then before my husband has asked him about it, and I don't plan on seeing him again.

But now, my feelings towards his family are even beyond what I feel for the abuser, because the abuser obviously has a wire loose, the abuser obviously has some sort of a compulsion, that doesnt' excuse, but gives a small explanation. His family allowed it and didn't give a damn. They can't possibly have any explanation for allowing it to happen besides "oh i didn't wanna ruffle any feathers, so i just tried to forget it" How do I ever look them in the eye again? My husband has a motivation to forgive them, my husband has a reason to love them regardless, they are his blood. But they're not mine, and i don't think i can ever forgive them for doing this to my husband. Whether or not the committed a crime isn't the point, it's that they enabled the crime with such ease it disgusts me. My husband should have been loved and protected, not fed to a wolf to keep the peace.

Have any of you ever dealt with these emotions? I'm sitting here shaking and crying, it's too much to be able to comprehend how an entire family just let it happen to my sweet husband. He has the most gentle soul in the world, he'd NEVER hurt anyone, and his entire family, the one group that should watch out for him, just kicked him into it without a second thought. I just don't know how to deal with it. I haven't really brought it up with my husband. we only talk about it when he brings it up because i'm sure he's got enough emotions of his own to sort out without sorting out mine too.

i guess i'm just at a loss here.

 

[shadowkid]

fiancee,my family sent me to live with my abuser ,a cousin ,knowing he was a pedophile. my dad told him to do whatever he wanted with me and he did ,point is there is no way to understand things like this and it is true for me that i still want so bad to love my family ,but i have realized that that love is their main weapon against me ,so i dont feel anything for any of them .do i think their sorry? no ,so why deal with them at all.my advice forget them .

 

[SAR]

Fiancee,

At some point in your husband's recovery, I'm sure he will ask himelf similar questions about what his family could/should have done differently to protect him. It's been my observation that partners and non-abusive family members seem to get angry about these questions before the survivor does.

I look at it like this-- my feelings about his family needed to be processed just like all the rest of it. And at the end of the process is a sort of acceptance-- not forgiveness or justification-- just acceptance that this is what happened, and it wasn't okay, but it happened. They didn't teach him things he should have been taught, or give him things he needed to help him thrive. It's very natural to get angry about that. At some point though, he'll have the power to learn those things anyway, and to give himself what he didn't get before. Again-- it's not fair that he should have to do that for himself, but it's better than the alternative. And once that happens, it gets much easier to let go of the strong emotions.

Hang in there... how is married life treating you?

SAR

 

[roadrunner]

Fiancee,

I understand your feelings about your husband's family, but can I suggest that the picture may not be so simple?

When the scout leader who was abusing me was caught in 1963, the man who caught him took me home that very night and told my parents I had had an attack of asthma. I ran upstairs to my room dreading that my mother would come in and want to touch me; I was terrified that maybe she could still smell what had happened.

But Madcap, that guy who saved me, the Scoutmaster and a close friend of my Dad's, knew some things that I didn't. He knew that if he revealed what had just happened, my Dad would have killed the abuser within hours and I would have grown up with my father in jail. If I grew up. I was already suicidal at the age of 12 and I told the Scoutmaster that if he told anyone I would commit suicide. I was serious. So for that time and place I can see why the Scoutmaster decided as he did. My Dad, now 80, agrees.

There is also the fact that many times the family is just NOT emotionally prepared to deal with disclosures of abuse and doesn't know what to do. I don't know the circumstances of your local area or when the abuse occurred, but to many people the discovery of abuse is so horrific that they just go into denial.

I'm not saying that this is right; no kid deserves to be abandoned like that. I am only suggesting that just as a kid often did not know how or who to tell, in many cases his family did not know what to do with the information or how they could react to protect the abused child.

It is a hard reality, but a reality none the less. I wish it had been different, but in my own case I have reached the point where I feel that if I inveigh against my parents for not knowing, or against the Scoutmaster for not telling, I am beating up the wrong target. The abuse committed against me was the fault of the abuser.

Again, I am not excusing your husband's family. I hope that one day he will be able to talk to them about this. But I also hope he will understand how different things were before the 1990s, when the sexual abuse of boys first gained recognition as a national issue.

Much love,
Larry

 

[The Fiance]

thank you for all the advice and support, it has helped me gain a bit of perspective.

i had a really long post here, and it got a bit side tracked... It's up to my husband to decide how he wants a relationship with them, and I'm fine with anything he decides. But I've never been fake before, ever. I've never had to really pretend to be okay with people that I'm not okay with.
How do I get through the hugs and conversations that I need to do in order to not let on that anything is wrong? I'm very transparent, I'm a very bad liar, I could never get away with anything... and I'm scared that I'm not going to be able to pull it off this time.

What if the people I'm angry at can tell that I am? I know that it's not fair to be angry at somebody and not tell them why, and that if you're not going to tell them why, then you shouldn't let on about it... but i've never been in a situation where i couldn't tell them why.

My feelings are different for each of them, but none of them are positive. It ranges from just total disgust to "shame on you".

I'm sure that with the brothers I can just keep my distance, they probably wouldn't even notice if I didn't hug them or talk to them at length. But with anyone else, I'm afraid that no matter how hard I try, they'll see through me and question why I'm acting that way.

I would never be the one to tell them why, and I'm not even sure that my husband ever should because it's pretty certain it would mean the end of his relationship with them and I don't think he'd be okay with that. I'd support him if he wanted to, but I'm certainly not going to encourage him to do it before he's sure it's right for him.
So how can I learn to be fake??? I'm really afraig I'm going to mess this up and make it even worse for my husband who's been through more than his fair share already.

 

[The Fiance]

Oh I also wanted to say that although I can understand the reasons for not making it public knowledge and causing a "family crisis", there are ways they could have given him an out.

After his mom had reason to believe what was going on, she could have easily stopped making him go over there and sleep there. but she didn't.

His brothers could have just said "hang out with us instead" or "if you don't want to go over there, I'll help you come up with an excuse to tell Mom" but they didn't.

The perverts wife could have simply said "he's not to be here when I'm not home, I don't want you spending any time alone with him" but she didn't, she said "i don't care what's going on"

I understand fully that it's a hard thing to be public about, but there are so many ways to give someone a way out without anyone else ever knowing. 5 people could have made a difference or even an just a failed effort, but none of them did.

And SAR: married life otherwise is great

 

[Lloydy]

Fiancee
"another time, another place"

We don't know what went on back then, who had some kind of hold or power over who, maybe some people used the fact that abuse of a child was taking place to their advantage? It might have taken the heat off them, and in their circumstances it seemed like the only thing to do.

It's desperately wrong I know, and hopefully someday your fella will feel strong enough to speak out about what happened, many survivors do as they gain strength and self esteem.

My abuse was at a boarding school, initially by a gang of older boys.
Early on my abuse was made known to the headmaster, who did nothing at all to stop it.
And as hard as it is for me to think this - he probably had his reasons. He was probably more concerned about a scandal at 'his school' than my welfare, which he was responsible for.
Now, I hate him more than all my abusers, and if he was alive I'd have confronted him by now.

I also waited for 31 years to disclose my abuse, and over the last 6 to 8 years I've made no attempt to hide the fact that I'm a survivor - except to my very elderly parents.
So I still have to put on my happy face to them, and I'll never know for sure how they would have reacted, either back then or now.

It's a bum deal, but sometimes we need to be expedient.

Dave

 

[SAR]

Someone else will have to tell you how to be fake around your in-laws; I know exactly what you mean, and ten years later I still can't do it.

I think they have just decided that I am a standoffish, sort of stuck up person. (Now that they like me better they might say "introverted and intelligent" instead, but they might not.) I probably do come across that way to them at times, but it's better than totally losing my shit and telling them all just what I think at an anniversary party.

It helped to have kids early on, because then I could keep busy with the kids and I had an excuse not to deal with them. Is there a friend or relative of yours that you could bring along when you have to go see them, who could distract you a bit?

SAR