Anger...sorry, may trigger...triggered me.

[Bobby]

Wow! Do you do that? Do you just get angry for no reason? I was just sitting here reading posts and thinking about what guys were saying and all of a sudden, I was furious. I don't think it was a post that did it, unless there was something there the triggered me. I had just read something from LostCowboy about how he numbs up when someone dies. I do that, too. I did that when my mother died. Never did care, really. Never figured that out because we were as close as a mother and son could be.

Did that make me angry? It was a rage really. It didn't get to the surface, but it was rage all right...very deep down. I know that feeling. It is warm and almost hot and it is down in the center to lower part of my brain (You know, if I could undo this weirdness I would, but I'm stuck with it, I think.). I can feel it start and then I can feel it sort of expand and I know what it would feel like if it ever got to the surface. It has a couple of times, and it's not pretty. So something inside me stifles it, and I can feel it sort of dissipate slowly and go away.

Is that bad, to let it go away like that? Should I let it come on out...maybe go into a padded room or something and just let go? I know that sounds sarcastic, but I don't mean it to be. Should we let the anger out in a safe place, or control it and make it go away? The anger scares me. I know we have to get in touch with it and deal with it and get it out, but I don't like it, when I don't know what causes it and I don't really know what it is. I just know that it's there and that something pissed something inside of me off really badly.

And, you know what? I wanted to be mad at someone in particular. It didn't matter who in particular...just a particular someone. I wanted to say something like "Fuck you, or "Damn you" your "Go to hell." I wanted to be nasty to someone. Who was that? And, if I hadn't been alone or had been on the edge or out of sorts, would I have taken it out on whoever happened to be close? I'm not dangerous physically to anyone (well to myself once in awhile), but I'm a really good screamer.

Wow, that scares me...to not know what that was and to know that it's a part of me...that I don't really know and don't understand. But that's why I'm here, isn't it...to understand me?

And, while I'm on the subject (What subject, you may ask?), am I nuts? Sometimes I think I am. Why do I come here so often and write? Why is writing here not an option for me? Why are there things inside me that have to come pouring out? Why do they have to come pouring out here? Why do I wake up in the middle of the night with thoughts in my head that I feel like I have to write here?

I get a thought and then something inside of me wants to write it here, so I can find out what you think about it. But do I? Am I so desperate for human contact that I write so that you will write back? No, no, I really think those things and I really want to know what I think...sometimes I don't really know until I see it written down...and I really do want to know what you think in return, and I really do want and need your support. But do I write out of desperation to not be alone any more?

When I come here, I feel connected. I think that's strange because I don't know what you look like or sound like. I can't see your eyes. Do they sparkle with life, or are they dull with pain? Do you smile? Do you look me in the eye when you talk to me, or do you look at the floor? Would I be intimidated by you in person, or would I want to reach out to you so that you would feel more comfortable in my presence? Could we be friends, or would we find each other hard to get along with?

But here you are...the universal me. I can tap into you and not be lonely. I can tap into you and belong. I can tap into you and that guy, you know the one who was supposed to come along and save me and love me?....suddenly exists.

But am I that needy? You don't even have to be here, and I think you are. I write as though you are. I see you. I feel your presence when I write. I'm not just writing, I'm writing to you.
I'm writing to me. All of this is one big amazing, fascinating, horrible, excruciatin mystery to me. Somebody did horrible things to me. WHO THE FUCK WAS IT? That's all I want to know. Then I'll be okay. Then I'll go back to my little world and sit and sip soup and read a good book and be normal and not a threat to anyone and make nice. But until then, I'm here and I'm desperate, and I'm hurting and I'm needy and I NEED TO NEED TO NEED TO NEED TO NEED TO KNOW WHO FUCKED ME!!!!!!!!!!! TELL ME. SOMEONE KNOWS. SOMEONE HAS TO KNOW.

And so, I've done it again. I've started out with a very ordinary and nice conversation in a normal tone of voice and I have ended up screaming and ranting and crying and raging and doing all those things that something inside of me needed to do in the first place.

Do you understand? God, I wish I did. Bobby

 

[Curtis St. John]

Bobby, you will think I'm nuts, but it sounds like you are doing such good work here.

Sure I used to get angry all the time, my problem was when someone sugested it could be the abuse, I couldn't bring myself to see that as the possibility.

I kind of envy you because you are so aware of your feelings and the probable source of them. You also have the ability to reach out to us and say, "Hey, does this happen to you?" Where I would sit for years wondering why this happens to me.

The more you get this stuff out of you the better you become.

Take care,

 

[andrew51]

Hey Bobby,
You're just a guy who lays it all out in the open, nothing fancy, just straight down the pipe.
A steady diet of high, hard fastballs. I agree with Roland, you seem to be working very hard on your recovery and challenging a lot of the guys here to examine things a little more deeply. I know I have been challenged by your unvarnished honesty. Peace, Andrew

 

[RICK57]

Bobby - I numbed out for years.

After I was abused, I lost many relatives, a best friend when I was 15 other friends since (accidental deaths). I've had one friend that beacame a junkie whilst he was at college taking a degree.

I put a front on 'that nothing was hurting me' all that time! Why - because I vowed when I was 12 years old that I would never cry again over anything or anyone...I broke that vow a few years ago when I started admitting to myself and others what had happened.

I always found anger difficult because I was trapped in a cycle of self blame - 'it was my fault that I was abused because I was an intelligent 12 year old back in 1969 - how had I let it happen'?

It was not my fault - I had no frames of reference that would ever allow me to even think that what he was doing was wrong. We had bogey men (fictional)under the beds that would appear if you didn't go to sleep when you should. The real bogey man was walking around my town.

I am now waiting to ID him at the local Police Station & then it looks very likely that we are going to court. He was my bogey man - now I am his!

I am now 47.

I know who my abuser was & I hope he doesn't die before we get to court.

Best wishes ..Rik

 

[Jeff S.]

Bobby,

I dealt (and sometimes still deal) with sudden unexplained anger and rage. It freaked me out too. My counselor at that time made a suggestion for me. She told me to find a safe and healthy way to take that bottled anger and rage and get it outside in the open.

Her suggestion, which I still use now and then, is a piece of pressure treated 6x6 and a bag of roofing nails or some other larger nail. Take a hammer and pound the nails into the board. The physical exertion releases LOTS of pent up anger and energy. I usually stop when I can't hardly lift my arm anymore, and then I often have a good long cry. Now, just because it works for me, doesn't mean it will for you, after all "your milage may vary..." But it might be worth a try.

Jeff S.

 

[Bobby]

Jeff. I'm on the way to the hardware store to buy the nails. I already have a hammer. Thanks. That pounding sound you hear is me in my garage. Bobby