anger, shame, psychosis, crying (TW)

pedropedro

Registrant
Lately been alternating back and forth between anger at women and shame of being a man. I don't know what I'm trying to prove or to whom, but the more I think about it the more confused I have. There are messages like it's ok for women to hate women because of the millenia of opression. The evidence says otherwise - the vast majority of men in history were opressed as well, and when women have been in charge they aren't necessarily any better - or worse - then the male rulers. I've thought about the concept of disproof strenghtening irrational beliefs - say all the more scientific and other evidence to the Earth's roundness sonly makes the flat earthers double down even harder. I think instead of "men/women/whatever" need to change I think it would be more productive for everyone to say "this is what I/we would like men/women to know". I can only (slowly) change my own thoughts and anyone who won't listen doesn't deserve my time. I can control who is in my life.
 

Celtaf

Registrant
The nub of the problem a man or boy abused by women has, naturally, damaged trust. What is needed is for that man or boy to be able to recover from the abuse. This can only happen if the abuse is made sense of: how it happened, why it happened, that it was wrong, and that others around recognize that it is wrong. One of the great difficulties here is the last one. When people don't want to hear about it, it feels like they don't care, don't think it was important, don't really recognize it as harm.

While there has been a small shift in that direction, in my opinion it is very small.

So when the man or boy has a natural reaction, which is to be upset, angry, scared, ashamed--and has to work through that--then it is hard because there is such a fear in our society of any feelings like anger, frustration or condemnation of women to any degree. Rather than confronting the feelings head on, with the presumption that one will act as a civilized person who has simply been deeply hurt, the abused person has to worry about being very careful with their language lest they cause some offense.

Even in places like this, there is caution because feminism supporting groups are very quick to point to anything even slightly suspect as being misogynist.

I think what would help us would be to identify the feelings while taking responsibility for them. If I say that I am very angry because of a conversation I have with my father, it doesn't mean I want to hurt my father; it means that it affected me in some way and that I am trying to take responsibility for my feelings. We owe ourselves that much self respect. Focusing on language that helps us understand ourselves and others better will not harm anyway.

It is also very important to seek out help from organizations and mental health professionals who do recognize that female on male abuse not only can take place, but is an actual social problem. I think that this has been slowly changing, but it's wise to be careful and not to have high expectations. Unfortunately, we have a long way to go. No social change has ever happened without great effort.
 
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The nub of the problem a man or boy abused by women has, naturally, damaged trust. What is needed is for that man or boy to be able to recover from the abuse. This can only happen if the abuse is made sense of: how it happened, why it happened, that it was wrong, and that others around recognize that it is wrong. One of the great difficulties here is the last one. When people don't want to hear about it, it feels like they don't care, don't think it was important, don't really recognize it as harm.
Yes yes yes!
It is also very important to seek out help from organizations and mental health professionals who do recognize that female on male abuse not only can take place, but is an actual social problem.
Bullseye. I CRAVED and NEEDED validation that it happened to me, that people like me really exist.

It's why, I think, that I can really only do my best work with female therapists. I need to hear from a real, actual, live woman that it happened to me and it happens to men.
 

Celtaf

Registrant
Yes yes yes!

Bullseye. I CRAVED and NEEDED validation that it happened to me, that people like me really exist.

It's why, I think, that I can really only do my best work with female therapists. I need to hear from a real, actual, live woman that it happened to me and it happens to men.
I have to admit that I yearn for this as well, but I'm wary of doing that. Having said this, my last counselor was a woman. However, we did not really confront my troubles when it comes to trusting women beyond recognizing that it is there.
 
I have to admit that I yearn for this as well, but I'm wary of doing that. Having said this, my last counselor was a woman. However, we did not really confront my troubles when it comes to trusting women beyond recognizing that it is there.
I understand. I have been very, very fortunate to find not just one but several amazing female trauma therapists. At some point I just had to take the leap and assume they could help me. Luckily, it's worked out for me and I wish the same for you.
 

Celtaf

Registrant
I understand. I have been very, very fortunate to find not just one but several amazing female trauma therapists. At some point I just had to take the leap and assume they could help me. Luckily, it's worked out for me and I wish the same for you.
I'm glad you had that help. One thing that has been troubling me is that I know in my heart that I need the same thing as you: to have compassionate, fair minded women hear my story and help me. The trouble is that I stopped seeking that the more I read about feminists claiming that men demand emotional labour from women, and getting the reactions I did from #metoo advocates.

I have to admit, as well, that I don't trust obviously feminism supporting men. I feel that they will throw me under the bus like the men who dealt with me in social services and in mental health. I vividly remember begging them to understand that I was the abuse victim, which they put down to denial. It is not simply a bad therapist, it was institutional.
 
I feel that they will throw me under the bus like the men who dealt with me in social services and in mental health. I vividly remember begging them to understand that I was the abuse victim, which they put down to denial. It is not simply a bad therapist, it was institutional.
This is absolutely shitty and should never happen to anyone.
The trouble is that I stopped seeking that the more I read about feminists claiming that men demand emotional labour from women, and getting the reactions I did from #metoo advocates.
Same here. I finally had to stop seeking out and reading things like this. I had to stop going to places where I might find these attitudes. I quit Facebook and Instagram for a long time, and I had to really work to catch myself before I would type in a search into Google that I KNEW would rile me up. It took practice, but eventually I did it.

Once I got that under control, it was much easier for me to acknowledge that almost all women wish neither men as a whole nor me in particular any harm. Almost all women have boyfriends or husbands or sons or brothers or fathers they care for. The women making the loudest, ugliest noises are nothing but a small minority that I could temporarily ignore for my own well-being.
 

Celtaf

Registrant
This is absolutely shitty and should never happen to anyone.

Same here. I finally had to stop seeking out and reading things like this. I had to stop going to places where I might find these attitudes. I quit Facebook and Instagram for a long time, and I had to really work to catch myself before I would type in a search into Google that I KNEW would rile me up. It took practice, but eventually I did it.

Once I got that under control, it was much easier for me to acknowledge that almost all women wish neither men as a whole nor me in particular any harm. Almost all women have boyfriends or husbands or sons or brothers or fathers they care for. The women making the loudest, ugliest noises are nothing but a small minority that I could temporarily ignore for my own well-being.
I left social media too. It has helped a bit. I also disabled my news feeds and only see major news updates on Youtube, which I generally ignore.

I also will stop watching movies or TV shows that applaud violence against men or boys, or make it simply comedic, or seem to propose that sexual behaviour towards unwilling boys or men is okay. (In an unironic way. If it is presented as simply a historic incident or the viewer is meant to see it as violating, then it's another matter)
 
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