Anger, road rage, resentment, doubts... TRIGGER

Anger, road rage, resentment, doubts... TRIGGER
S

survive75

Registrant
I am filled with so much anger. I'm scaring myself, especially when I add alcohol to the mix. And I'm thinking that I'm turning into my stepfather, and that is freaking me out.

I got into an intense road rage incident yesterday. And there seems to be nowhere for that kind of anger to go.

And I am so angry at my stepfather for hitting me and sexually abusing me. I am angry at my mother for not stopping him. And I don't know where the hell to put that kind of anger and I end up taking it out on other people.

It is really hard for me to admit this, but my first long-term relationship, in my early 20's, I hit my girlfriend 3 times in the 6 years we were together. It is what first pushed me to start therapy in the first place. Each time was over some stupid, insignificant thing that enraged me beyond perspective and I lashed out at her. And I'm thinking, now that I'm starting to talk about the physical abuse, that I am no better than my stepfather. He would get SO angry over the stupidest thing I would do and beat the shit out of me. I split my lip once and bled on the carpet. When he saw it that night, he couldn't get the belt off fucking fast enough. Another time, he made a quick movement and I flinched and he hit me FOR THINKING HE WAS GOING TO HIT ME! And god forbid I EVER got angry as a kid about anything. You get enough beatings (and worse) for "talking back" and you learn to control your rage. Until it surfaces now that I'm an adult.

And I think I'm no better than that when I get into that psycho rage place. And I think that I am a hypocrite if I don't give him the same courtesy that people give me. "You were taught anger and violence." Well, isn't it logical to assume he was taught the same? Or at the very least never told that it was wrong to act out violently?

And I think that I have no right to be upset that he hit me, since I have hit others. But then I think that I did go to therapy for it. And I don't hit my current girlfriend. And I am still so resentful that I have had to deal with the aftermath of his violence against me. I have spent years now dealing with the ramifications in my own life as an adult. And I guess sometimes I would do anything to know why he was the way he was. If he changed, and started therapy, and found me to apologize and explain why he did the things to me? God - I never realized how strong of a fantasy that is for me. I don't know why. Just to know that he realized what he did was wrong and that it has affected me for my whole life, not just when he was abusing me.

Sorry for this long, self-indulgent rant. I just don't know where to go from here with this anger.

-Sean
 
Sean,

especially when I add alcohol to the mix
Click to expand...
Stop adding alchol to the mix. I know, much easier to say than to do. I quit drinking because I was afraid that I would turn into an alcoholic. A trait amongst the males in my family.

You are you and not your stepfather. When we are presented a situation that we do not know how to react to, the normal response is to fall back on what we were shown by others. Awhile back I read a book that had a chapter on this, I do not remember the title. It said that instead of responding to these situations in the way that we were shown, imagine how somebody that we respect and admire would, breaking the cycle. Your step-father and mother were wrong. Again a tough excerise to put in place.

Being a victim of physical abuse from my first ex-wife, it is a terrible place to be. Please don't hit your girlfriend, she is not the one you are angry at. Don't beat yourself up, it is not you that you are angry at. Find another more constructive releases for your frustration and anger. More than one release is usually needed; one of mine is to pull weeds in the garden/yard, not something that I can do this time of the year with over a foot and a half of snow on the ground.

Talk about your feelings. Talk about your concerns. Talk about whatever you need to to get through these hard times. Rant. Do any safe thing to get those feeling out in the open where you can see them and address them, rather than letting them fester inside.

You have the right to be upset that you were hit, he was wrong for hitting you. You are remorseful for hitting your girlfriend and are taking the steps to assure that you will not do that again.

It s**ks that you have to go through this s**t. It s**ks that your girlfriend has to see and feel this with you. A committed relationship is through good times and bad - this is one of the bad. Cherish her for being there for you, let her know that you appreciate it and respect her. You cannot change your step-father, only you. And you are heading in the right direction.

Take care, talk, and rant all you need,
Bill
 
rant and say whatever ever you want and need to say - talk about it - and give yourself an outlet for your rage - ... poisonous events have to be vented otherwise they make you even more sick -

- rant all you like - we are hear to listen -

mgb
 
Sean -

You are so much better than that - for one you do not want to replicate that kind of behaviour. You say that you have not behaved in that way towards your current girlfriend...good...if you feel that you need to, walk out of the room (or wherever you are)..let your girlfriend know that you have control levels.

Buy a pillow/cushion & punch the hell out of it. Read what you have written, you don't want to hurt anyone!

Best wishes ...Rik
 
anyone who knows me, knows how i am struggling with my anger right now. i realized a few weeks back that my rages were the sudden release of pent up feelings that had been building inside. the actual thing that sets you off might be stupid and small, but it isnt really about that small thing. it is about all the other things you've held in until they were boiling over. clearly, if we were to adress those issues as they come at us, this build-up wouldnt happen, and we wouldnt have this need for a release.

my therapist has me stopping every few hours to take an inventory of what has happened and how i feel about it. i've only been doing it a couple of weeks, and it is proving hard to pull off. i completely believe it is the right aproach to deal with my anger, but it is proving hard to actually pull off.

a few months ago, my baby pulled a box of taco shells off the table and broke them. i flew off the handle, stomped on the shells, cursed and swore like a banshee, and then felt totally ashamed after. clearly, the shells were not the issue. rather that was the proverbial straw. though the fit was about the shells at the moment, the release was about all the other stuff i was holding inside. i realize now that if i can adress those underlying issues, the shells wouldnt affect me so bad.

there is a problem though. i have become so good at repressing when something upsets me, i dont recognize when they do. i've become so skilled at letting those events roll off to land inside this chip on my shoulder, that i dont even know i'm doing it most of the time. i have to teach myself to do it differently, but i realize it is going to be a long hard road.

welcome to the anger management club,
president and founder
jeff
 
Sean,

You're using what you learned. How else can it be different? The thing that ALWAYS puts you miles ahead of your abusive (expletive deleted) of a stepfather is that you're UNLEARNING the behavior, and that takes time.

What works for me when I'm about to blow my stack is to stop, take a deep breath, count to 10, and just put a hold on those thoughts. Take control of them so you can deflect instead of blow. That's what you're doing now.

Also, please don't beat yourself up and feel badly about yourself. We're human, we fail. You are most definitely NOT becoming your stepfather. You'd need to lose your heart, conscience, good nature, etc., to do that. And, my brother, you are a fine man who got stuck with a bad hand. A hand you're overcoming.

And, I agree, it sounds simple, but if alcohol makes you angry easier, don't drink. Just don't. Drinking puts me in an unhappy, vulnerable place, so I don't drink. Even now, when I socialize, I content myself to ONE, which works for me but will DEFINITELY not work for others. Drinking to forget is my problem, and when it becomes a NEED, not a WANT, I don't. I hate what I become when I'm drunk, and I choose not to become that.

Peace and love, Sean. You need me, PM me.

Scot

P.S. What happened to you, I'm deeply sorry for. It sucks. It will always suck, and I wish there was a magic bullet to make it not so. Just know that you have every right to share your feelings here. Never apologize for how this stuff makes you feel, because what you feel is right.
 
I am sorry Sean. Your stepfather sounds very much like my father. It is constant state of being alert, and scared. Always, I would put the anger at myself, and do things to hurt myself. I am not sure how to deal with the anger in other ways, without to take it out on someone else. I hope that you can discover a way to deal with it good. I wish you luck.

Leosha
 
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