Anger, powerlessness, triggers and acting like a teenager

dark empathy

Registrant
I admit this one's going to be problematic, since things are getting to a crisis point.

I've been having problems with powerlessness and anger for years. As a visually impaired person, I feel powerless a lot of the time, especially looking vulnerable in public, and I react badly to this, as I do to triggers of misandry.

Life's been pretty crappy for the last few years, my wife getting cancer and us basically having to deal with it alone (because the cancer support group doesn't like blind people), getting my phd thesis only for it to mean nothing, complete inability to get anything published at all.

Add on to this, my mother attempting to treat me like a child, until it literally got to the point of her making food orders for me in August, only for us to have a massive argument and her now seeming to just consider me to be perminantly broken (Christmas with my parents was terrible, for both my lady and I, since my mother basically pretended we didn't exist for most of the time while fawning over my brother and his wife and herself).

So all of that crap is going on.

three years ago my guide dog retired and I had to reapply. just my luck, that the new officer was a controlling, exacting bitch! Indeed, she's apparently had a lot of complaints against her from other people, (think Umbridge from harry potter and you're there).

Then covid happened, then the guide dog association said I needed more assessments, though luckily the bitchy officer who refused me had been transfered due to complaints against her, so I was being assessed by another person, someone I thought initially was a decent man.

on a walk I proceeded to walk into a post, and lost it! I hurt myself (not badly, but in a painful way), got an extreme trigger and said:

"I hope the person who leaves that post there injures themselves!"

this was apparently "socially unacceptable", and guide dogs have dropped my application until i get professional help, though to be honest it just seems at this point that the woman in charge of this division frankly hates me!

Again, more women in power fucking me over because they fucking can!

I do have a problem with anger and triggers, but then again, everything I try in my fucking life fails!

My lady says I behave like a teenager, which is ironic, sincue during the abuse I didn't actually get angry, I remained cold and just had to take it!

Right now I'm giving guide dogs a rest, since frankly I don't trust the association at all, There isn't another option in britain, they have all the power, they have all the control! you have to do what they say! and this woman is the head of the regional office, so like always some bitch in power just deicdes she doesn't like me!

So this week I have promised my lady to go and try and find some sort of porfessional help, but I'm just fucking sick of this!

I wouldn't fucking need help if I was successful at something! what have I got? A doctorate which means bugger all! A bunch of ltierature which nobody wants to publish, and an oepratic tenor voice nobody wants to here!

I don't really like the idea of going through all this shit again, just like I did in 2014, when all I fucking need is something! to fucking go right!

I've tried antidepressents, and they just turn me into a zombie, indeed my lady has actually said I shouldn't use them!

but I'm just fucking tired! heck, I'm tired of the only time I come on this forum being to share this sort of crap, but really we're hitting a crisis point?

Do I need help? probably! but what I need more is just something in my fucking life to fucking go right!

This isn't to say nothing has before, I met my lady (who got cancer, and is constantly worried about a recurrence), so it can! happen, but for gods sake! otherpeople have friends and interests and validation? where's mine!
 

AlexBoyd

Registrant
Do I need help? probably! but what I need more is just something in my fucking life to fucking go right!
You are acting as if there is no connection between getting professional help and the problems in your life! News alert...things don't just start going right in your life. Whether you like hearing it or not, it does require your participation for things to get better and a change in attitude.

I'm not trying to dismiss the anguish and frustration you are clearly experiencing, but I can tell you from my own experiences in life, you need some help. Re-read your message and see how many times you have pointed the finger at other people who have wronged you or dismissed you or failed you in some way because they are a "bitch" or anti-blind or incapable of appreciating your operatic voice or writing or education or.....I'm not doubting you have encountered some problematic people...but they can't ALL be. When that's the case, you better start looking inward for the source of the problem. I'm telling you this because I have been there. You are doing yourself no favors by questioning your need for professional help.

You won't like my response, I'm sure. The ability to vent here is important, but I can't with a clear conscience read what you wrote and then coddle you by saying that life is so unfair, etc., because stopping with that keeps things stagnant. Sometimes it helps to hear things you don't want to hear from another survivor. I hope you can take this crisis point and use it as a springboard to move your life in a different direction.
 

dark empathy

Registrant
I've stated I am getting professional help.
Thank you for pointing out that it's all my fault.

Try not being served in a cafe, or waiting thirty minutes in a shop to receive assistance in getting basic things, or injuring yourself while walking down the street because some bloody fool has decided to put something in an unexpected place and your concentration lapses, then the very people who are expected to assist with these things treat you like an imposition



yes, the world is like this, I get it, I have to deal with it, I've been! dealing with it, I got a fucking doctorate, I got into the Guinness book of records! I've done! dealing with it thanks! I'm fucking sick! of dealing with it!

I'm fucking sick of working harder than everyone else and always getting less!

Call me names if you like, though to be honest when writing a post at 3 Am in a pretty desperate state after sleeping four hours in the previous 24, and finally! getting to the point of posting here, I would've expected a little more sympathy and a little less blaime.

The issue is not whether I'm getting professional help, the issue is I wouldn't need! professional help if something went right in my life!

Is it so much to ask that the 12 solid years I spent, working through ptsd to get a doctorate actually mean something? or that people who aren't my lady actually respect me?
Is it so much to ask for my wife to not panic everytime she's ill, fearing a relapse of her cancer, and the very cancer support society who are supposed to help with this sort of thing literally tell us not to come back under a flimsy excuse?

Obviously it is.

thank you for the being so supportive.
 
Last edited:

MO-Survivor

Staff member
I've stated I am getting professional help.
Thank you for pointing out that it's all my fault.

Try not being served in a cafe, or waiting thirty minutes in a shop to receive assistance in getting basic things, or injuring yourself while walking down the street because some bloody fool has decided to put something in an unexpected place and your concentration lapses, then the very people who are expected to assist with these things treat you like an imposition



yes, the world is like this, I get it, I have to deal with it, I've been! dealing with it, I got a fucking doctorate, I got into the Guinness book of records! I've done! dealing with it thanks! I'm fucking sick! of dealing with it!

I'm fucking sick of working harder than everyone else and always getting less!

Call me names if you like, though to be honest when writing a post at 3 Am in a pretty desperate state after sleeping four hours in the previous 24, and finally! getting to the point of posting here, I would've expected a little more sympathy and a little less blaime.

The issue is not whether I'm getting professional help, the issue is I wouldn't need! professional help if something went right in my life!

Is it so much to ask that the 12 solid years I spent, working through ptsd to get a doctorate actually mean something? or that people who aren't my lady actually respect me?
Is it so much to ask for my wife to not panic everytime she's ill, fearing a relapse of her cancer, and the very cancer support society who are supposed to help with this sort of thing literally tell us not to come back under a flimsy excuse?

Obviously it is.

thank you for the being so supportive.
Hey man... most of us can't really understand your situation because we haven't lived with it. Going through life without sight... most guys here aren't in that boat. I'm sorry for your physical situation, for the abuse you experienced, and for your current issues.

You have accomplished a lot in life. Not many here with PHD's. You have overcome your physical and CSA limitations / consequences admirably. And sometimes all we need is a bit of a cheerleader on our side to help us put things back in perspective. I'm cheering for you :)

You have lived enough life to know that life will turn a corner. Yesterday and today are momentary, and something will come along today or tomorrow or the next day that will reinforce who you are and what you have done - in a positive way.

Glad you are seeing a therapist. I won't try to be one here for you :) The only thing I will tell you is a rule I have taught my daughters for years and is one that I try to live by (I try - I don't always succeed). That is this: assume the best intent in others, unless or until they prove otherwise. As I read your post I couldn't help but think how hard it would be to discern other people's responses and what they were truly thinking - about you, in particular - without the benefit of being able to see their body language. It is possible for us all to assume the worst - especially without seeing them. That's why emails are much easier to read negativity into than an in-person conversation. I told my T last week that I caught myself assuming the worst a couple of times this past month. Once - in a text from my mom, and another time in a message from my best buddy. When I went back and re-read what they wrote I was like, "Oh.... Duh." and I reminded myself to be careful what filter I use by default.

I have worked with sensory impaired kids before - mostly deaf - at camps. I have noticed for some reason they appear to react much more loudly and strongly than the other kids. I have always assumed it's because they don't have the benefit of auditory sensory queues. Do you think that's true? I've always wondered. FYI - my family apparently has genetic, congenital hearing loss. My mom's grandpa, my mom, and my daughter - all had / have moderate hearing loss that doesn't get worse over time (except from environmental damage, of course). So I do try to be sensitive to others :)

Anyway... I hope and pray your today gets better with every hour!
 

dark empathy

Registrant
@MO-Survivor, thanks for the response and for actually listening.

The problem at the moment is I'm just feeling increasingly powerless to change anything, and just plane tired! of the current situation.

In terms of getting on with people, the problem really is! society in this case.

Once on a one to one basis, having a conversation with someone, it's generally easy to understand emotions, encourage another person to talk, and pick up what another person feels, usually through a combination of listening and empathy.

Talk to any successful blind person, they'll do this.

I'm naturally an intravert, but once I realised that conversation was a skill at 17, I mastered it.

The problem, is getting to that stage.

Since as a blind person you can't make eye contact, you're always dependent upon another person to talk to you! either that or you behave like a loud arsehole.
Unfortunately, you have the problem that since your not making eye contact, people are less likely to start conversations, and since your a weird person, people are less likely to start conversing with you, and even when they do, you have to spend a massive amount of time and effort to get someone out of that mindset just to see you as an actual human being.

This varies between countries and regions, but according to my lady, whose lived in three countries and toured more, England is particularly bad for this, and it's just getting to the point where I'm tired of even expending the effort!


My lady and I went to a singing workshop last October, and she said the change in me was astounding! just by being recognised for something I can do well, and having people who knew enough to recognise what I could do, indeed the first time she met me at a (now discontinued), music summerschool, she actually described me as "confident", something which I don't think I've ever been called in my life.

this is the problem. I have! achieved things, I have been successful, but it means bugger all! I worked like hell to get the doctorate, but whenever I try to publish stories or contact literary agents, I get rejections with no reason given (I suspect the reason is me being male), yet when I show my stuff to other people, they like it.


Due to an incredible mistake on our part, we've moved to a town where there is literally nothing of interest going on and people are generally pretty miserable (blame my parents), and I'm just tired! Tired of feeling powerlessly stuck with a lot of things I can't change, tired of always having to try harder with things and get less.

this is the problem, powerlessness is a trigger, and I pretty much feel powerless all of the time! since whenever I try something, it goes no where.

Anyway, thanks for putting up with the ramble at least, i try not to do this to often on this site, but things have been worse than usual lately.

Luke.
 

AlexBoyd

Registrant
I've stated I am getting professional help.
Thank you for pointing out that it's all my fault.

Try not being served in a cafe, or waiting thirty minutes in a shop to receive assistance in getting basic things, or injuring yourself while walking down the street because some bloody fool has decided to put something in an unexpected place and your concentration lapses, then the very people who are expected to assist with these things treat you like an imposition



yes, the world is like this, I get it, I have to deal with it, I've been! dealing with it, I got a fucking doctorate, I got into the Guinness book of records! I've done! dealing with it thanks! I'm fucking sick! of dealing with it!

I'm fucking sick of working harder than everyone else and always getting less!

Call me names if you like, though to be honest when writing a post at 3 Am in a pretty desperate state after sleeping four hours in the previous 24, and finally! getting to the point of posting here, I would've expected a little more sympathy and a little less blaime.

The issue is not whether I'm getting professional help, the issue is I wouldn't need! professional help if something went right in my life!

Is it so much to ask that the 12 solid years I spent, working through ptsd to get a doctorate actually mean something? or that people who aren't my lady actually respect me?
Is it so much to ask for my wife to not panic everytime she's ill, fearing a relapse of her cancer, and the very cancer support society who are supposed to help with this sort of thing literally tell us not to come back under a flimsy excuse?

Obviously it is.

thank you for the being so supportive.
To be clear, I never said it was "all your fault," and I never did anything remotely close to "calling you names." I responded to you in the middle of a sleepless night (also for me) because I recognized a bit of myself in what you wrote and I thought I could help. I can't say I'm surprised with how you interpreted it, adding me to the growing list people who have wronged you. I hope the professional help you are getting can help you find that you do have some power in your life. As for the wasted PhD, join the club.
 
Last edited:

dark empathy

Registrant
@AlexBoyd, the problem is not "people who have wronged me, but people who have far more power over my life than I do combined with just the inherent crappiness of being a disabled person.

You don't hold any power over my life and I can freely make my feelings on your responses known, so no problem.

At the moment the idea of being "convinced I have some power in my life", sounds like being convinced the earth is flat, so not sure on that one, albeit thanks for the good wishes, and I hope you get more use out of your doctorate than I have.

Luke.
 

Jayishere

Registrant
We only have the will or not to navigate the complexities that come with living our lives in a society of humans and that is obviously compounded by physical, emotional and physiological barriers. I feel your pain because it is obvious that you are pissed off about been neglected and abused by the system and by those closest to you. Your contempt towards those with power(authority) over you, particularly when you perceive that authority to be abusive is a massive trigger to those of us who were victimized by others who we perceived as role models...rightly or mistakenly.

Be aware of that trigger...motivator of profound deep seeded anger we harbor deep down our core. That’s is why you have lost yourself in this situation. You feel powerless and raped once again by those who should be there to protect you. Recognizing that is key to move forward in a rational way...knowing what is a trigger point helps to manage the explosion of emotional issues attached to it. Collect yourself and refocus your mind to put your energy back on track.
 

Toad

Registrant
Hi Luke,

Powerless is something I have been grappling with too.
I won't tell you that life will get better. Because it doesn't always.
As we all know too well, people can be truly horrible. I am sorry you are being treated so awfully.
You are talented and I am amazed at what you have accomplished.
Unfortunately in my experience it is not the smartest or the most talented or the hardest worker that gets the best jobs or awards or their books published.
It is the person with the connections. Often because of wealth in their family. Wealthy family, went to all the right schools, knows all the right people, and fits in to their preconceived ideas of who should have it.
Someone who knows all of the unwritten rules.

I wish there was something I could say to make it all better for you. But I am powerless.

But I will say this. I have been reading your posts for a couple of years now. And am amazed at all you have accomplished.
To have been through what you have and to have a PhD, to have a wife that loves you, to be an opera tenor. That is all an amazing success.

If you write and sing with as much heart and fire as you do when you post, you deserve to be read and heard.
 

dark empathy

Registrant
@Jayishere, it certainly wasn't my intent here to trigger anyone else.
Yes, I'm pissed off at authority figures like said horrible woman at guide dogs, because they do indeed contribute to my sense of powerlessness, and as I said, I do appologise if my reaction triggered other people.

The problem is if I thought I could do something about the situation that makes me feel powerless, I'd not be feeling powerless, so it's something of a catch 22 at this point, that's why I came on this site in the first place to try and deal with the emotions, or at least express them safely.

@Toad, thanks for listening and at least getting the situation, that is appreciated and does help.
 
Top