anger: my perp comes to town

anger: my perp comes to town
B

bec

Registrant
hello men:

i am struggling with anger. it is an emotion i am not experienced with. i wasnt allowed to be angry in my youth. my role in the family was "the good son" and i learned the good son doesnt get angry. he keeps a smile on his face and trys to please everyone. (ya, shit on that!)

my perpetrator, my mother, comes to town today. i am not happy about it. i know it is out of my control. i tell myself i must do what i need to to be and feel safe.

she is staying with my sister for the holidays in the adjacent town to the one i live in.

she and my nephew fly in today and have been living together in the southwest. that fact is another tough one for me to deal with.

i hope and pray she will not hurt him as she did me. (she emotionally incested me for 30+ yrs. i have no memory of physical incest thus far.)

i wish to spend time with my nephew but i do not want to be near her. i have not seen him in 5 months. so i have to figure out what i am able to handle. can i endure being in her vicinity in order to be with my nephew? i do not know.

i do not wish to lose control and argue or vent my anger on her and allow my nephew to witness it. he is 15. i do not wish to explain my lack of a relationship with her to him. he is too young for that. i do not want to tarnish his view of his maternal grandmother. the truth will come out in its own time i believe.

and, i was planning on spending the holiday by my sister's home with the rest of the family. but, now that my mother will be there i do not know what to do. maybe i will spend the day alone. or maybe eat a meal at a local restaurant alone. i do not know.

i tell myself it is not fair that I suffer because she is nearby. i did NOTHING wrong. i abused no child. i incested no child. that is on HER. she will answer for that. i wont. yet, i am suffering.

there is still a part of me that longs to be enmeshed with her again as sick as it is. there is a part of me that misses her. but the rest of me knows that this being did great harm to me over numerous years and we CANNOT trust her. the risk is far too great.

so i am struggling men. i want to be my best. i do not wish to abuse anyone including myself. i dont want to be around her.

i suspect she will call me as she has before and i pray for the right words and emotions to deal with her.

i was told she and my nephew will be in town for 1-2 weeks. i pray for courage and strength to deal with this. thanks for reading this men. i will try to post more soon. sincerely,


bec
 
Bec,

It is obvious that you are very much in touch with your emotions surrounding the visit of your mother.

In a way, that is the very best thing any of us can do, is to keep in touch with our feelings and our hearts. You seem to have a very good handle on that.

Because you are staying with yourself, instead of abandoning yourself, and because you are honest enough to admit the attraction of the enmeshment, I feel certain that you will indeed do what is best for you and that you will find the right words and deeds.

There usually are no perfect to solutions to these complex problems. And if I put that much pressure on myself like I am supposed to come up with the 'Perfect Thing' to say or do, then I am being very unfair to myself.

Your honesty and candor along with your self examination are incredibly powerful tools to aid you in these difficult situations. I imagine that you have acquired them only after much struggle and hard work.

But you do have them now, and you will use them.

There has been a lot of talk about trust here lately. I think the most fundamental trust is that which we place in ourselves.

Because you come here and talk honestly about your feelings, I can see that you do have trust in yourself.

That is an amazing bit of progress.

I too will be alone on Christmas. And I try to pretend that it will not bother me. But I know it will.

Thanks for helping me get in touch with that part of myself.

Warm regards,
 
andy and danny:

thanks for your reply andy. yes, i have expressed my concerns to my nephew's mother however, she made her decision in her way.

and, thanks so much for your warm comments danny. i sincerely appreciate them. i am pressed for time. may we both enjoy these holidays as much as possible and look out for US. sincerely,


bec :)
 
hello men:

i made it through the holiday in the presence of my mother. it was not easy. i had many mixed emotions near her. i felt sad, unsafe, angry, afraid, ill with nerves, etc.

i must admit i still care for her despite all the ways i was hurt by the things she said and did over 30+ years.

she leaves town on Jan 3rd. i do not know when i will be near her again while she is here visiting. but, i wish to see my nephew and she and he are staying in his parents' home. so, she will most likely be present. i pray for courage and wisdom when near her.

my relationship/lack of a relationship with her is so mixed/messed up. i miss her and yet i do not feel safe near her. it is tough for me to understand. i dont want to hurt her but i do not want to be hurt by her either.

sometimes when i look at her i feel as if i am looking at a child that never grew up, like the mind of an 8 yr old in the body of one who is 60. it can make me very sad. may our Gods help us all. sincerely,


bec
 
Bec,

I am so very sorry for how difficult all this has been for you. I have some issues with my mother as well, and can relate some to you saying you almost wish to still be enmeshed with her. Because let us face it, always we will want the parents in our lives. It is a natural thing, to have parents, to have them care and nurture us, to teach us, all of that. If the ones we were born to failed at any of that, we will seek it somewhere else. It is like instinct, of something we need to feel complete within ourself.

It sounds as you are well in touch with your feelings. Please know that all you feel is valid, whether you are familiar with it or not. They are all part of you, and are all important. Be good to yourself.

leosha
 
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