Anger, frustration - HATE ***triggers***

Anger, frustration - HATE ***triggers***
J

Jaco

Registrant
Today i feel p&^%#$ off. Why can someone SA a young child? A child who grownups need to protect.
A child who wants to be a child and play with his toys. To have no worries and problems. A child that wants to have a carefree life.

Where were you mom and dad?
When your little boy was taken to the bathroom to have a bath with a friend!!!!
Why did you let him close the door?
Why did you not check up on him?
Why were you so uninterested in this man?
Why did you let him do the things that he did to your little boy?

He F%$# up your son!!

The son that you always though so higly off. The son who was aksed to look after his mother. The son that HATES what he has done. The son that is such a big disappointment.......

Why did you not protect him. Were you so lost in your own minds about everything else. Were you also screwed up?

In my hart I am screaming at you for not looking after me. I can not even talk to you about this now. Now I need to keep it for myself.
No one must know what is happening to me. The only person who really cared for me is now uncertain about me.

She does not know me any more.
Who am I?
I have broken all her trust.
I have betrayed her.
I have made her a liar, a peson who now needs to cover things up.

I want a NORMAL life for us.
I want us to be a happy family.

BUT I had a deep dark secret that nobody knew about. NOW it is out and now I am loosing my mind. I HATE this feeling inside of me. I WANT it out.

*&^%$%&*^%, why did you not look after me?
It was your responsibility!!!!!!
NOT mine!!!!!!!!!

I was a little child who wanted to have a care free life, now I am a grown man and is screwed up.
Now I need to confront demons which I did not ask for.

I am lucky though, the daughter in law which you never accepted is the only ONE person in my live who is helping me. But at what cost?

I love you so much my angel.

Thanks for helping me. I will repay it to you more than what you ever would know.
 
Jaco,

There's a lot on that post bro! I can only begin to touch the issues you raise.

I think that the first thing you need to hear is that letting all these feelings out is a good thing. You have a lot of terrible memories that you have been hiding for a long time, and that's no good. If we dont let them out they will explode out. You don't want that to happen again in the future, and allowing yourself to say how you feel is a good way to prevent that from happening. Once we express these feelings they are "out there" and we can talk about them and figure out what do do about them. This is a painful process, sure, but it IS a process - that is, we GET somewhere like this.

Many of us ask ourselves why our parents did not do anything to help us. I have asked myself that a million times, and even now I wonder how it was that they could not SEE how messed up I was becoming. Part of the answer bro, is that sexual abuse of boys was not on the rader until about 15 years ago. Parents, social workers and others didn't see it because they didn't know what to look for. My mother tells me she remembers me coming home, running up to my room and slamming the door. She would come over to ask what's wrong, and she would find me trembling, spaced out (dissociating) and not wanting to be touched. She didn't know what to make of it, but I didn't seem to be ill, so okay - another one of my "moods".

I don't blame my parents at all now, because I see what the reality was. I can't speak for your case, except to say it's a good idea to bear in mind this factor of total ignorance in society.

Jaco, stay with us and keep talking. The more you talk the more you will see and understand. It's also a good way to reject the silence and build trust again. We are here to listen to you and support you, and no one here will judge you.

Much love,
Larry
 
Jaco,

My wife doesn't know me anymore either. But three years after I told her she is still here. Standing beside me. Keep the faith.

Russ
Milwaukee, WI
 
Jaco, don't give up you are getting there. Getting mad was the first response after I began dealing with my demons. My parents had no idea how to deal with molestation, I told them but they did not talk about it ever for fear of causing me pain. They did not know what to do and that is okay, they loved me they just did not know what to do.
 
Jaco,

I'm there with you my friend. I cried as I read your post. I weep for all the boys like us who's carefree life was so cruelly ripped away.

Please know that you are not alone, and also that you are loved. Feel free to rant, cry, yell, and talk all you want here in this place. You will be heard and understood here.

Lots of love,

John
 
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