Anger at Female abusers

[SubtleStuff]

Hi Guys,

I had an interesting experience today. I actually felt angry as I was helping a fellow clear up his confusion around childhood abuse at the hands of a woman. This is very new for me. I had a therapist (female) challenge me once to experience my anger and rather than experience it, I became immensely afraid and got severely ill. It took me months to recover.

The anger I felt today wasn't at the fellow. It was at the woman who I imagined to be like my mother (presenting herself as a victim while hurting and neglecting me). I find it difficult to get angry at female victims even if they've hurt me. I was angry at the people who contributed to my confusion: my father's "don't upset Mom" and general cultural attitudes that "girls get raped and boys get lucky" (in other words: boys can't be sexually abused by women and my needs don't matter).

The anger gave me strength and clarity I rarely have. It felt good. It felt like strength. I wasn't railing against a wall any more. I was using it to serve a healthy purpose (supporting this fellow in gaining clarity).

I would like to know what your experience of anger at women has been. Have you feared expressing it? Have you raged out of control? have you felt frustrated in your powerlessness or have you had an easy connection to your anger?

Sincerely,

S

 

[Chris4TheMill]

I've written a lot on this board about the pros of being able to express anger in a normal, non overblown way. So I won't repeat myself here.

I'll just say that I do have a problem when I'm out and about - usually in the store - and I see a woman being really cruel to her kid. Usually it's verbal, and takes the form of the woman either taunting the child, demeaning or degrading him or her, etc.

Based on my background, I get angry when I see this. Problem is, if you step in, it can become a very bad situation and the police tend to side with the woman, evil as she may be. So I can feel a little powerless in the situation. What I can do though, is pray that God wake this woman up in a severe way, whatever form that can take to make an impression. I can also watch them for a while and make sure nothing gets completely out of hand, like if the woman becomes physically violent to the child.

If it turned physical I would most certainly step in. However I have not seen that yet. If there is a security guard available, I can also alert them to what's going on.

 

[SubtleStuff]

Thanks Chris,

I'm very aware of the problems associated with expressing anger towards a woman. It tends to come right back in ways that aren't helpful to anyone.

I'll look into your other posts about anger. Thanks for the heads up and for sharing your struggles with anger at abusive mothers.

Cheers,

S

 

[Duckie]

deleted

 

[manipulated]

Wise observations. Despite what manipulative controlling persons in our past taught, Rage is not always bad. Usually it is the perp or the emotionally unavailable parent pushing the "big boys don't cry" crap that have given it a bad name. I do NOT say all rage is justified but if survivors do not allow true feelings rage will explode at inappropriate times toward our loved ones. Learning to live with feelings including appropriate rage can be so hard but is so necessary.

 

[SubtleStuff]

Thanks Iaccus and Manipulated!

Thanks for your thoughts. It's great to hear how you experience this key (and challenging) ingredient to empowerment.

Cheers,

S

 

[anonDK]

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