Anger and Shame

EQCR

Registrant
So, I got into a yelling match with a manager at work today and told him to go fuck himself. I feel like shit, now. The whole reason I started going to see a therapist again was because I wanted to stop losing my temper at work. I'm just tired of feeling like more of a problem than a help. I'm ashamed that I lose control like this. I know that it's tied to my depression (which seems more and more like manic-depression) and my self destructive thinking patterns. It feels like looking for a solution just makes the problem worse. It feels like the problem is me and that nobody should have to be required to deal with me because of this shit. I know I wouldn't want to have to deal with me.
 
Maybe it is just the 2 of us (though I highly doubt it) - I have always had a dis-trust and hidden anger towards anyone in an authority position over me, especially as an adult.

I question their motives and their abilities. This is true at work, at church, anywhere.

I truly believe it is from the wounding of my CSA. It was a person in authority who was the Perp (for me, it was my perp-father). And that destroyed your ability to Trust.

That has gotten better over the years as I continue on my Healing Journey. I am able to Trust more, Respect more, Submit more. It is still difficult, but it is getting easier.
 
It feels like the problem is me and that nobody should have to be required to deal with me because of this shit. I know I wouldn't want to have to deal with me.
It sounds like you quickly recognized your response was not appropriate so I would suggest it is a good sign you are not manic as I understand it. Have you apologized and just said you are under a lot of stress at the moment? Hard to do but goes a long way toward keeping a job. Have you talked to your doctor about medication for outbursts? I am NOT a pill pusher though this mornings posts are medication related but the right med in the right dose can be a life smoother until you can find nonchemical help that works. Chemicals do not have to be life sentences.
 

EQCR

Registrant
As a follow up, I went to work today and came back with a two day suspension and I am on warning that if anything like this happens again I will be let go. It's probably the best possible outcome, really.

As for medication, I do have an anti-depressant (Bupropion hcl xl 300mg) that only helps somewhat with depression, despite being at maximum dosage, and Escitalopram 10 mg. which is supposed to (and probably does) help as a mood stabilizer. I have a 30+ year history with depression, with a seasonal component, (uni-polar) and I know that I will need medication for my entire life. It's my bad time of the year at the moment. I also have a rather random history of manic like symptoms where I can stay awake for up to 60+ hours, usually focused on one task, as well as issues with insomnia. My mother (my primary abuser) was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and often stopped taking her meds when she decided she didn't need them anymore (only to crash and burn later). There were several suicide attempts while I was growing up, culminating in her ending her life with her father's (her primary abuser) shotgun after I told her "I couldn't do this anymore." My father's mother was institutionalized and received electro-shock therapy (in the 1950's or 60's) but I do not know what her diagnosis was.
With this history in mind I generally do not try to self-regulate my medication however I do not have a psychiatrist at the moment (they are overbooked and not taking patients) and I have really been struggling with insomnia and other side effects so I have not been consistent with my meds. I have a therapist and she is aware of the situation and is working with me to try and get a specialist for psych medication. In the mean time my general practitioner signs the scripts. My therapist is the one who brought up the possibility of a different diagnosis (as have others in the past), PTSD, bipolar disorder, and EMDR was recommended. I am hoping that might become an option here in the near future.

Right now I am seeing a life long pattern of these instant Rage events where I feel like I am not in control of myself. I don't generally swear and I have never threatened physical violence against anyone, in normal situations, however when these events happen I end up shouting and swearing, breaking things and it doesn't feel like I have any control over it. Even little things can set me off despite everything I have tried. (I can recognize most of my anger cues, I have people at work who help me monitor and de-stress and de-escalate) but sometimes I go from 0 to 100 in the blink of an eyes.
I just do not understand how I get so mad so fast and do and say things I would never do if I was in control. It scares me that I can't figure this out and that it scares other people.
 
sounds like there is a LOT of stuff inside, trying to get out! If you keep shoving it down, it still comes out in other ways. Hope you find a way to get it out.
 
So I used to do the same thing. It's pretty much a hallmark of PTSD to go from 0 to 100 rage-wise. Have you been diagnosed with ptsd?

As to what fixed it for me ... Mood stabilizers. Tried Lamictal and it was great but I got a rash. So now I'm on Tegretol. Also trauma therapy reduced the number of incidents, but the mood stabilizer is really what ended it.
 

EQCR

Registrant
Thanks, Strangeways, that helps.
No, I don't think I have been diagnosed with PTSD, as weird as that sounds to me. I have been focused on my depression and mostly wanted to avoid thinking of myself as a victim, which (used to) feel like an excuse. I am on Lexapro (10 mg), but I don't like the sexual side-effects so I don't always take it. Clearly, that is a bad plan.
I will be looking into PTSD and my options.
Thanks again.
 
All I can give you is my example. It may not be the same for you. I was on every type of antidepressant. Like you I hated the sexual side effects which persisted no matter which AD I took. Nothing worked until I got I to trauma therapy, and suddenly I realized the depression was due to the trauma. Once I started really working on it, I stopped feeling as depressed and have been off ADs completely.
 

motmcd

Registrant
EQCR, here's my suggestion. See if it makes sense to you or perhaps weigh it against other's responses to my suggestion in this forum string.

As a former member of the ownership structure of our family business (we sold the company) and one who has had many coworkers reporting to me, my suggestion is that you sit down with your supervisor and let them know you're going through a rough time. You don't need to share specifics, rather, let them know you're working on anger issues with a therapist. I always appreciated it when coworkers who reported to me took the time to let me know when personal issues were impacting their work. It gave me insight, understanding, and most importantly patience when helping them manage their troubles.

I was 30 years old when I first decided to report my sexual assault to a bishop. The first thing I did after making that decision was to take my boss into confidence, telling him what I was going to do and asking his support if I had difficult times during the workday as a result of that encounter with the bishop. My boss was supportive and that support went a long way to alleviate stress regarding my job performance and job security.

All my best to you,
Tom
 

EQCR

Registrant
My Boss just called me at home and asked if I was okay :) She is being supportive despite my suspension from work and it feels awesome but at the same time it feels like I don't deserve it.
 
EQCR

I am glad your boss is concerned enough to call you and check- you must be a very valuable employee for them to do so.

Feelings are neither right nor wrong they are the reality we must deal with and my anger used to rage the hardest when I would refuse validity to my feelings. And as Strangeways said the explosive extreme rage is a hall mark of ptsd which you describe multiple incidents in your life any one of which is extreme trauma.

I hear two entirely different moods between the early post where “it is the best outcome really” and the latest post where “it feels like I don’t deserve it.” While both feelings are your reality at the timecof posting, is there benefit to asking yourself what has happened in between the two?

Do you use a full spectrum light for the season? I find even swapping out standard lamps with the full spectrum Ott lights my mom used to quilt with because it shows true colors has helped my winter depression as well as my dads severe seasonal affective disorder. They were cheaper than light boxes and she already had five when she passed .

Hope you keep posting and letting us know how you are! And hoping you find the right psych soon!
 

EQCR

Registrant
EQCR, here's my suggestion. See if it makes sense to you or perhaps weigh it against other's responses to my suggestion in this forum string.

As a former member of the ownership structure of our family business (we sold the company) and one who has had many coworkers reporting to me, my suggestion is that you sit down with your supervisor and let them know you're going through a rough time. You don't need to share specifics, rather, let them know you're working on anger issues with a therapist. I always appreciated it when coworkers who reported to me took the time to let me know when personal issues were impacting their work. It gave me insight, understanding, and most importantly patience when helping them manage their troubles.

I was 30 years old when I first decided to report my sexual assault to a bishop. The first thing I did after making that decision was to take my boss into confidence, telling him what I was going to do and asking his support if I had difficult times during the workday as a result of that encounter with the bishop. My boss was supportive and that support went a long way to alleviate stress regarding my job performance and job security.

All my best to you,
Tom
I have been very open about my anger management issues, and even had an intervention plan with the manager I had the shouting match with, which adds to my frustration and feelings of betrayal. The thing is, I wouldn't want to have to deal with me either. I would have fired me. However, if you say you are going to follow a plan to intervene and then you do the opposite, and antagonize me, I am still the one with my employment at risk. It is frustrating and makes asking for support harder. He has nothing to lose and I cannot trust him now. I'm also resentful of how he placed my job at risk with no repercussion for his part in this. I just have to find a plan B for when he is the person in charge.
Just sitting here writing this has helped give me clarity about how to approach the inevitable meeting tomorrow when I go back to work.
thanks
 

EQCR

Registrant
I went to work, no meeting... just act like everything is normal... I guess the theory is 'don;t make a big deal about it.' I'm okay with that approach, I guess.
 
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