anger and frustration

[shadow]

I am mad as hell and it is directed at myself. I know it shouldn't be. The thing is that no memories of my abuse surfaced until my wife and I tried to have a kid. Then all of a sudden I was mr. limp dick and didn't know why. I had multiple medical exams and tests to try to figure out what the problem was but every thing was negative. By the miracle of artificial insemination i was able to have a son. Then I went in to see a therapist thinking it was all mental and sure enough all the really ugly memories began to surface.I now knew why I was having problems. Now after a yr into therapy i still have problems sexually and my wife is getting more and more pissed and crazy with me because she wants to have another kid (which I do as well) by my freaking body just won't cooperate. This is making me hate myself. Especially when she constantly points out that I don't initiate sex, have problems with erectile dysfunction and don't act like normal males who are always thinking about ways to get laid. I feel that even though I am never abusive physically, mentally or sexually to her or to my son, good provider for my family, love my wife and don't get drunk or do drugs or spend all of my time with my friends like the husbands her friends bitch about; thats not good enough because sex seems to be the only top priority for her.I understand her pressure of infertility but its affecting me as well. Now not only is the problem of being abused sexually for a long period of time in my childhood affecting me, but also the pressure to perform to my 'manly duties' so we can have another child as well as the crappy job i'm in is killing me. My level of anger and frustration gets so high at times that, even though i would never do this, i will have a split second thought of driving my car at a high rate of speed off of a hill, or slamming it into a large tree. I have on a more benign level entertained the idea of drinking heavily or taking tranquilizers on a regular basis to numb the freaking emotions and thoughts that constantly bounce around in my head.
Sorry about the length but I just needed to vent in order to not go crazy since my therapist rarely gives feedback and I basically don't have any friends (like normal males)
-shadow

 

[Bobby]

Ah, Shadow, I know the hill, drive by the tree every day, prefer rum and am on the tranquilizers.
You left out that bridge that would be so easy to drive off of on my way to work.

One of the best things about this place, Shadow, is that, no matter what is happening in your life and in your head and even in your body, there are guys here who have been there and done that...know exactly how bad it feels, and really care that you're going through it.

Now, normally it would drive me crazy if someone said that to me, but here, that was the most important thing anyone could say, because it gave my crazy life some sort of sense of being normal. No, it wasn't normal for everyone, but I was pretty much normal for someone who had been SA. It was so important for me to get through the "What the hell is wrong with me?" part and into the "Look how many guys are just like me and making it." part.

Not all of us know exactly what you're going through and no one will pretend to. But we all know the feelings and the pain and the frustration, and we all want to support you and to help. That's going to be important.

One of the most interesting things for me was the day that someone wrote a post that I couldn't remember writing. I couldn't believe that someone could be saying exactly what I was feeling and thinking. We're talking now, and each time I talk to him I learn more about myself.

Stick with us, Shadow. The loneliness is one of the worst parts. This place will help you see that, no matter how bad it gets, there are people who want to make sure that you know that you really aren't alone. Bobby

 

[blacken]

shadow,

Any considerations of self harm need to be eliminated. You have a responsibility to your-self to initiate a new direction in therapy.
which is, i think, Empowerment. Learn to be able to discuss with your wife what her expectations are, & what she may have to change in herself. & what she can expect out of you. She doesnt seem to recognize the Many positives you impart on your marriage.

A year in therapy, Is Not, a long time.
Your wife should be told this, maybe by your Therapist. CSA is not a "you'll be over it in a year" kind of trouble.

CSA (& SA in general) effects us through our entire life. Ya, I know that sounds awful. We learn to cope. We learn how to control our responses to it. We learn to live our lives & we make adjustment & change our expectations of perhaps ourselves & others.

CSA rears its ugly head at every transition. Life it self is a Trigger.

Right now, what you seem to need most, is an understanding wife. And if she can't understand, she needs to be truly supportive anyways.

Work with your T to define what YOUR needs ARE & how to go about fulfilling them.

Good luck & best of wishes, Blacken