ANGER and Aggression

ANGER and Aggression
M

Mike Church

Registrant
Hi brothers and sisters: I saw my T today and we went over what happened to me last weekend at the Wedding of my Godson. It was such a happy gathering that there was nothing in it I could relate to. It brought back all the painful memories and that terrified me and put me in a real turmoil. I saw that I should not be a part of this cause I am a fraud being the godfather and that my wife was shortchanged at the altar. This made me really anxious and furious with myself for being a fraud. Then an innocent remark set me off. When I was on the street I used to yell and scream about the pain. Some of that was real and some was imaginery. Mostly real. And I wallowed in it. We worked through it and both decided that Ritalin was not for me regardless of the ADHD. He has given me a prescription for something that will make the world stop spinning out of control and will calm me down until I can cope on my own (whenever that will be). I am to also ween myself of Effexor. Sometimes I feel like a walking prescription. Intellectually I know that what I experienced was all crap but boy did the conditioning ever come into play in a big way. I am not allowed to have fun and be happy and if I do I will set out to destroy it. Talk about being screwed up. At one point this morning before I saw him I considered reenacting my past to gain the pain and humiliation that I was so used to. Thank god I did not. Cause I sure know where to look for it. If I had it would have made the last 6 years of my life useless. I also feel that there is no time for myself. The cars need fixing, the roof leaks, the kitchen cupboards need installing. All trivial little things but they put me in a place where I feel everything and everyone is conspiring to screw me royally.
 
Now Mike, you know that your wife was lucky to get a good, strong man with the skills to survive anything.

Your Godson is lucky to have you to share his joy and be a part of his life as he begins this journey of marriage.

Teens especially, respond so powerfully to an adult who expresses real affection for them and pride in them. Just the title, godSON, is a delight for you and for him.

Mike, I am an alcoholic. I have been free of alcohol for a whole lot of 24 hours at a time. If I were to drink tonight, I would not have lost everything. Yes, I would start over at step one. But all my HP has done for me, and all my fellow alkies have done for me would still be there--provided, I get to a meeting, call my sponsor and let the fellowship help me learn to crawl, and stand, and eventually walk again. Ditto all of that for you even IF you had gone back to old ways, which YOU DID NOT DO!

Mike, you have courage, you're honest with yourself, you are open to getting better, and from what I have come to know of you here, you are a compassionate man. Those are facts to be grateful for and proud of.

Enjoy your Godson as a married man. Send him a note now and then and if you can spare a $20.00 or so send it. This first years are so expensive. Give him a call every month or two, at least the first year. Open up the possibility for him to talk to you and ask questions if he has any.

I think you have some glorious days ahead.

Bob
 
Thanks Bob. I know that I have to see the best but my damned brain is hotwired to act a certain way and I dont seem to be able to control it. When I lash out I feel so ashamed. It is almost as if I am forcing those I love to leave me alone and that is the furthest thing from my mind. I dont know if my reason is selfish but the thought of being alone is really terrifying. When my wife and daughter are away visiting family in Ottawa I spend as little time in the house as possible. It is not a home without them. And yet every time I blow up I am terrified that this is the final straw. Screwed up isnt it. I want so much for my godson Eric to have a great life with his new wife and yet at the same time I a jealous of what I think he will have. Same goes for my daughter; Ime proud and insanely jealous at the same time.
I just feel like I am on a spinning top and dont know how to get off. Tomorrow I go to the gym again and that will be a relief. I can enjoy safe pain that is self inflicted from a good work out. I feel so clean and fresh after. Thanks for all your support and the support from all my brothers here. I am gonna join for sure. I have spoken to the Secretary and the President Elect and am trying to find a way to get a support structure in the Greater Toronto Area for men. Believe it or not there is none. It can be a real chore to find help and when you do they say "We would like to help but you must wait". Sometimes I think we pay a huge penalty for being Canadian.
Right now I am a bit down but that should pass with a hot shower and a good sleep.
Thanks again
 
Hi Mike,

Good exercise and a long hot shower can work miracles.

Mike, what I have found is that I have to do a whole lot more before an explosion. It is good to list 3,4,5, or more activities that you can do that really re-creates you and then do them a few times a day, or every day or weekly. You are not stealing time here, nor slacking off. What you ARE doing is taking care of your insides that needs a great deal of relaxation and a whole lot less stress.

Have you told your wife how afraid you are after a blow-up. It might give her the chance to support you.

Bob
 
Bob:
No I have not. Ime gonna do it right now. I never thought of that. Thanks again. Went to the club today and had a really good work out. I feel great.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top