And the mountain keeps getting bigger

And the mountain keeps getting bigger
J

Jerry8-14-04

Registrant
I joined MS a few weeks ago and met some great people. I haven't been back since then though I have tried to log on several times but got no further than scrolling through the list of topics.
I was about 5 or 6 when it first happened, it was my oldest brother. I dont remember a lot of what happened, just enough to know I dont want to remember anymore. I know it lasted several years and I know his friend from the neighborhood tried several times to do it also but I can't remember what happened with him. I have some memories of different acts that he did to me but they are like snapshots in a digital camera. Almost like its not real and easily erased.
I am a ball of rubber bands wrapped ungodly tight and no matter how hard I hold on to that ball the bands are snapping.
My marriage of 3 years is now hanging by a string so thin it can hardly be referred to as a string. I treated her so shitty and neglected her so bad since we have been together...she has slowly disconnected herself to the point I caught her planning an intimate rendezvous with another man. But this isnt her fault. It was never her fault, she isnt to blame. Its me who is to blame...I mean, who could possibly hang on for that many years while your husband conducts himself like a piece meat who has no self respect for himself or anyone else. Always looking to be petted by women no matter what kind of pain it caused and never being satisfied guaranteeing that it will happen again and again.
I have so much anger and hate inside that it hurts. I feel like I'm about to explode and no way to stop it. I even thought about going back home for awhile and getting myself back together but when I called today that son of a bitch answered the phone. He is staying at my mothers house!!!!
That fucker doesnt deserve to live let alone be living in that house!
Im sorry for rambling on and skipping around. There is just so much in there to get out I didnt know where to begin. I'm scared, truly scared. For the first time in my life I can't control everything and everyone around me. God that makes me mad!
 
what is it with ohio? must be the abuse me state or something.

no more serious. first it isnt all your fault. even your wife chose to do this. there are right ways to do things and wrong ways. if you are unhappy in a relationship, you end that relationship before going to another. cheating is never right. no matter how big a butthead you are it isnt all you.

see that is the lie abuse leaves you with. you see yourself as defective and the cause of all evil. you arent thought, but that doesnt mean much until you yourself feel that way.

you have taken a good step in coming here. many, many men here were right where you are now. i was right where you are. your marriage can be a good motivator, but in the end, do this for yourself not for her. fix yourself so that even if you two dont make it, you can go into your next relationship healthier and happier. also dont give up all hope on your marriage. start the process and get help. it will show her you are serious about fixing it, and women like that. by the time someone cheats they have hurt for years, so it may be too late, but it may not be either. fortunately for me it ended up not being.

there is so much more i can say, but i could go on forever and just overload you. instead, let me urge you to keep coming here and sharing. i dont know what part of ohio you are from, but there are some good therapist here, ones that can really help you.

take care, and be gentle to yourself

jeff
 
Jerry, my perp was a friends father but my life sounds a lot like what you are describing. My wife has been through hell with me and visa versa. I used porn as my escape and it made her feel low and she already had low self esteem. I hope you can work it out. I just about lost my wife and child, she had an affair and that is what brought me around to seek therapy. Hang in there, and go easy it gets better even though it may not seem like it will.
 
By the way, your post title is the mountains getting bigger. My life felt like an uphill battle and to top it off I had an elephant tagging along for the ride "the abuse" I just never knew he was there. My life had to fall apart for me to get better, but it got him off my back and I am okay with that.
 
Jerry,

I remember so well the stage where you are right now. It felt like a hurricane of emotions and feelings all hitting me at once from every direction. Where does one even START?

Talking about it here is a good way. It really doesn't matter what you take up first, but it will help you to see that you aren't alone and that no matter what you talk about you are still respected, believed and understood.

In the longer term, I hope you will seek professional assistance. It really is what we all need. Not because we are fucked up, but because the crime of the sexual abuse of children is so fucked up.

Try to get comfortable here, and as I said, just post whatever you want when and as you can.

Much love,
Larry
 
Ok, so I lied...It could have gotten worse. Now I'm officially an unemployed Law Enforcement Officer. Im so nutted out constantly over my wife and her affair and going to see my T that I neglected my job to the point they terminated me on June 28. "Inability to arrive to work on time, abuse of sick leave and not following propper leave procedures" WELL NO SHIT...MY LIFE IS FALLING APART AND THEY DONT GIVE A SHIT!!! Do any of you know how hard it is for a cop to get another job after he has been fired from one? I'm permanately black balled in the law enforcement community...my career is over.

So I find myself crying off and on all night, I cant stop the emotion that is pouring out of me, it just keeps going and going. I'm not sleeping good...hell i'm not sleeping at all. Did sleep alittle last night for the first time in three days. I'm now sleeping in another bedroom, my wife feels its needed to help us get past all this and so I can concentrate on my recovery and stop worrying about her. Part of me says she is exactly right but the other part is screaming for affection and desire from her.
Am I going insane? Are all these emotions right? I have been numb and shut down my whole life to the point I couldnt even tell my wife what the word intimacy meant. Now all of a sudden I am feeling emotions and it is scaring me. I hurt so bad on the inside and it won't go away. My T says its normal and it will subside but it hasnt and I think its getting worse. I don't want to have to shut these new found emotions off just to keep from going insane.
Why does your life have to become a complete and total wreck before you can get better? Why couldn't that son of a bitch just kept his hands off me? It's so wrong for this to happen to someone...It's so wrong the way I treated my wife...It's so wrong I chased her to another man.
Why does it have to be so hard to be right??
 
Jerry,
six weeks ago I was just starting my recovery. I was in tears most days. I too, was numb most of my life and acted out unbelievably to fill the void of intimacy in my life. I had shut my wife out, my whole life had been a lie in an attempt to pretend that abuse at 5-6 did not happen and did not bother me. Why is it, like anything, that you hit rock bottom before getting better? I don't know. But keep coming here. I was addicted to this place for eight hours a day in the early stages. You have time on your hands now. STAY here and get all the words, comfort, and help you can get. There are some great guys here...I am the least of all, but whatever I can do, I'll help. Vent away. You are not alone. and most unbelievable of all, you will be loved here. it's frightening to accept at first, but these guys will love you to death. It helps. They saved my life. You are right where you are supposed to be on your journey. One step at a time.
Love
Paul
 
Jerry,

I don't know much about the federal system but if it is anything like the state system, I would make my way to EAP and provide documentation from your thereapist to them. In the state system, getting fired is just the beginning of the process and not the end. This does not have to be the end of your career but it greatly depends on what you choose to do right now.

Keep talking to your therapist and keep those emotions flowing. It will get better.

Good Luck and God Bless,

Brian
 
Jerry,

I was going to say something similar to what Brian said. He beat me to it, which is OK since he is more in the know about such things as it relates to police work.

Please know that you are loved here, that you are understood. Many of us have been where you are right now, same pain, just with different details to the story. If you'll let us be your strength for a while, it'll help. The pain is there simply because it needs to come out. You're not going insane. What you are experiencing is the beginning stages of the healing process. Pain, Anger, guilt, etc. You need to get it all out on the table. You need to talk about it all and be heard and believed. It's all part of the process. We're here, Bro.

Lots of love,

John
 
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