An Introduction

An Introduction
C

compassion

Registrant
I just wanted to introduce myself and offer a "paper handshake". I am engaged to marry a very talented and strong man. We have been together...with several breaks for 5 years and have cycled through much of what most humans do and a little of what some hope never to. I am a survivor of a college rape and have successfully dealt with my own experience. My partner is now taking a healthy grab for his own life back. He came to me with the knowledge of his own childhood sexual abuse by his grandfather and mother a year into our relationship/friendship. I have protected myself many times from his anger/violence as he processes a deep hurt, but even in these seperations I maintained behavior he could trust and an authentic love for him. Not perfection...I have made mistakes, spoken harm and misunderstood...especially recently, but I turn to each new day with him with the promise to love ME and serve my life for it's own purpose AND the promise to not abandon him as he learns to honor the same in himself. My hope is to provide an ear to anyone who has felt as tearful and lonely as I have in this process. I am also willing to provide my voice...if asked...to our story in a constructive and hopeful way. I tend not to frost you with advice...I simply like to help you find the questions or give a hand squeeze. All parts of this circle are struggling to find compassion and answers...those sexually abused, our loved ones and our therapists...so many good hearts and intentions trying to sort it out. I am here...not perfect and can only speak for me...without judgement and without expectation...I try, anyway.
 
Dear Compassion:
Welcome to Male Survivor! A "paper handshake" extended to you as well.
On the journey up the mountain, you seem to be on rather solid footing.
The aspect of being the spouse of an abuse survivor that has recently caused me a bit of anxiety is the warning from our therapist that my husband could become violent while dealing with his anger. Since you had mentioned: "I have protected myself many times from his anger/violence as he processes a deep hurt,"
did your man ever show any sort of violent tendencies prior to facing the anger during his process of healing?
I've been with my husband for twenty years now and he's always been a peaceful sort of person. I'm a little bit uncertain about what to expect in the near future. I'm afraid that perhaps I have a false sense of security and that husband could possibly unravel.
I'd appreciate any insight you may have on this portion of healing.
Thank you and again, welcome!
s-n-s
 
Dear Compassion,

Welcome - and may you find many new friends here at Male Survivor! I was first introduced to Male Survivor through Dale English, at a 2005 SNAP Conference in Chicago and I will be forever grateful for that meeting. I've met so many survivors from all over the world after attending two healing workshops. I can only stand in awe of all of you survivors that made it. Let us not ever forget those that didn't make it. Again, a heartfelt welcome to you and your partner. There is so much wisdom on these boards.

Peace Always,

Donald

"A hundred years from now it will not matter what my bank account was, the sort of house I lived in, or the kind of car I drove...but, the world may be different because I was important in the life of a child."
 
Greetings, Sweet-n-Sour...as your loggin name implies...life is sweet & sour...so are our loved ones. I must be cautious in lending my story to not ever give you the impression that physical or emotional abuse should ever be tolerated. Having said that...we have had both. Thus our many break-ups. I used to work for Domestic Violence so I know the drill on zero tolerance. I am not sure what your partner will experience, but I believe anger is an equal emotion to joy, but most of us were socialized to go to our rooms when we were angry; not joyful!! Lots of tendencies to repress anger and then the big explosive anger...POW!! I believe that my partner's pain is infection and that when you lance infection you get...(not to be gross)..pus. I believe there may be some infection there and it may not be pretty when it comes out. What I think most women do poorly is care for themselves...SO. I would recommend a preventative safety plan between the 2 of you for how to handle rage. When things escalate and someone feels unsafe...what will you do? Therapists trained in anger mangement are extremely helpful and therapists help them "de-personalize" your role in the anger. When, my partner is mad he doesn't even see me sometimes. The rest for me has been to just take a deep breathe and follow his needs, keep things de-escalated on my end and use non-violent communciation (www.nonviolentcommunication.com). Great book on this, BUT...mainly avoiding threatening language...you should, you never...focus on needs and feelings...what do you need from me? I feel sad...etc. If his need is to be alone, go read a book and agree to talk later. Don't corner a mad dog...grrrrrr. I expect my partner to be non-violent and in the past when he was threatening or escalating...he would leave the house, I would lock the door and we would talk by cell phone until he was calm. When he was calm...he would return and we would talk. It's all about trust. I trusted him to leave and he trusted me to let him back in. I can't promise that your man won't unravel, but I trust you will protect your needs and listen to the little voice within...it will let you know when you can't handle it. It is so individual...what I chose to tolerate may be different from you, BUT...it is not a fast fix so be good to yourself...keep eating well, work out, see friends...cliche, but it is hard to hold on to yourself when they are in the throws of healing. There are skills out there!! Be wary of isolating yourself or throwing all you are into him...this is his process...yeah? You have the right to be treated respectfully.
 
Dear Compassion:
Thanks for your insight. I suppose there is no way to predict what any future holds. I appreciate your suggestion to work out a plan between husband and myself prior to a violent outburst.
I will check out the website that you have listed on non-violent communication.
Thanks again for your thoughts on this! It does help to know others have made it through the rough gravel on the road to healing.
s-n-s
 
Your are more than welcome. The book on non-violent communication is a quick read and good starting place. Absolutely be hopeful!!! This can be heavy so don't forget to find a bit of humor in your day!!
 
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